What would you do? seeking advice.

[FauxLiz]

I feel as though I lost it with my T via email last night and now I feel frozen and am not sure what to do. I had contacted my T yesterday morning to let him know that due to work conflicts I needed to cancel our sessions this week. He let me know that was fine but pushed me to try and find a time on Friday for a session. I am pretty sure that his intentions were honorable as I have been struggling with the last self harm method I haven't relinquished/put into remission and we had discussed my handing over for self keeping the tool used for my self harm this week.

All day yesterday after our interaction I stewed on his recommendation for a Friday session and finally last night before I went to bed I emailed him telling him that I was confused, angry, scared and while I laid out my schedule for Friday I said that even if we did schedule an appointment I wasn't sure that I would show up. I didn't quit therapy but I probable didn't say things in the nicest most polite manner and really was childish and churlish in my email.

I know I lashed out at him and probably owe more than an apology but I am at a loss for words. I haven't heard back from T which is unusual and I am starting to get worried that my lashing out has harmed our interactions.

 

[barefoot]

Were you angry with him because you don't have any time for a session on Friday due to other commitments and you felt that he was pushing you into something you couldn't really do/commit to/didn't want?

My initial thought is that he could see that this has caused a lot of anxiety for you and that, as a result, he thought it wasn't the best thing for you, for him to continue to engage (and possibly snowball things further) on email.

But I am mind-reading here, I realise!

But honestly - I don't think you sending an email where you lose your cool a bit because you're stressed out/upset will mean that you have caused real harm to your therapeutic relationship.

Not knowing the full context of your situation or what was said in the emails, I would either leave it at that and then just go to session next week whenever you are booked in. Or, if you feel you want to, perhaps just drop him a very brief email saying something like "sorry I lashed out a bit in my email the other day, I was feeling very anxious (or whatever you were feeling). I really can't make a session this Friday due to work commitments but look forward to seeing you on (date of your next session)."

I understand how difficult it can feel when we hit bumps in the road with our therapists. But I think they are very used to this kind of stuff happening. Good therapists know not to take these kinds of things personally and should look to repair ruptures with you as opposed to allowing them to permanently damage the alliance.

 

[FauxLiz]

@barefoot I was angry because I felt that he was pushing me into something I wasn't sure I could commit to. I know why he is pushing because last week I admitted to him that I had chickened out relinquishing to him my self harm tool in our previous three sessions. I can be pretty flexible with my work schedule and could probably juggle things to make a session happen. Our normal meeting time is at 7 am and while I can't speak for his schedule on Friday personally he has told me that I am his only client that he meets with outside of normal business hours (there have been times in the past that we have met on Saturdays as early as 7 or 8 am).

You are most likely correct that he recognized that my anxiety was sky high and that he didn't want to push me.

 

[UnicornSightings]

From my own experience, whenever I thought I totally messed up and finally, once and for all, committed an unforgivable act, my T showed nothing but warmth and understanding. I, too, suspect yours is just giving you some breathing space. Try, as hard as it is, to not mind-read and let yourself off the hook for this. We all overreact. Even your T.

 

[anthony]

If you're struggling with self harm, and working on it... you should be making time for your therapy sessions.

 

[mrsmegan]

I agree with @UnicornSightings - my T has been so understanding when I make mistakes. I would suggest that you email again - apologize for how you handled it, and communicate what you need to now that you are in a less emotional frame of mind - make sense? I think it is also fair to put your fears out there about his reaction.

I also agree with @anthony that therapy needs to be a priority, but I also understand the demands of a career. I would encourage you to examine your thoughts/push back around sessions this week. Are you truly unable to do it, in which case it is understandable, or are you looking for an out?

 

[FauxLiz]

@anthony and @mrsmegan you are both correct that I need to make time for my therapy sessions. I have been thinking for the last 24 hours or so about why I wasn't more flexible and essentially threw a tantrum about finding time this week. The reality is that I don't know what happens if I relinquish the tools for this type of self harm so if we don't meet I never come out on the other side and find out. I will most likely email my T today with an apology as well as proposing options for scheduling a session. Thank you @UnicornSightings you are right I have been mind-reading why T hasn't responded to my email and that is not good.

 

[mrsmegan]

@FauxLiz I think that is wise - let us know how it goes....

 

[UnicornSightings]

@anthony and @mrsmegan you are both correct that I need to make time...

So it sounds like you are cool with meeting with your T but don't want to relinquish the control you feel you have over the overwhelming emotions that the self-harm tools help. I think if you're that reluctant to give them up then you should do what feels best for you. Your therapist clearly knows about the self-harm so you've been open and honest and that's awesome. Maybe you can make a deal with him. You'll keep the tools and when you give them to him it will be a big sign of your growth. You need to have other "tools" to replace them with first. If you're that afraid of dealing with what's underneath whatever it is you're stopping with self-harm, you gotta find ways to cope first. Discuss that with him. Find substitutions that work and try them out while you have your backup. This is a HUGE step. Don't let anyone rush you into it. You're right to trust yourself and be gentle with yourself.

To a therapist, their objective is to get you to not hurt yourself or another. That is a rule. But it's sooooo key to have it be your decision otherwise who know what will happen. So maybe even ask what the hell he expects you to do without them. Ask if he will be there on-call when an emergency situation comes up and you need to cut or whatever you do. There's gotta be some kind of backup plan so you feel ok. Good luck.

 

[mrsmegan]

To a therapist, their objective is to get you to not hurt yourself or another. That is a rule. But it's sooooo key to have it be your decision otherwise who know what will happen. So maybe even ask what the hell he expects you to do without them. Ask if he will be there on-call when an emergency situation comes up and you need to cut or whatever you do. There's gotta be some kind of backup plan so you feel ok. Good luck.

I agree with you that it needs to be your own decision, but to say that there would be "an emergency situation comes up and you need to cut or whatever you do" - is wholly inaccurate. There is never a "need" to do that. There is a want, a desire, a perceived need, but there is not an actual need to do that. That's why there needs to be skills developed to cope.

Also - yes, a therapist's job is to keep you safe, but that does not require them to be available 24/7 - that's what crisis services are for.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I agree with you that it needs to be your own decision, but to say that there would be "an emergency s...

I guarantee it doesn't feel like a "want". If it did, the op would have no problem giving up the tools. I'm sure it feels at the time like a need. That's what I meant. And no, the therapist needs to sleep but there has to be a plan in place when he's unavailable. Do you have any other criticisms to my comment or would you like the help out the op?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think at any time having a plan in place is helpful and even requisite, because in times of need you may not be able to think clearly. I think too it makes it more possible to succeed.

Success can also be measured in reduction in self harm.

I suppose if you can identify what upset you specifically it may help a lot.

Tears in your relationship may be repairable or not, s/he also has their say, and you know how you feel.

Good luck and best wishes, hard battle to overcome. :hug: