What would you do? seeking advice.

[mrsmegan]

Do you have any other criticisms to my comment or would you like the help out the op?

Whoah. I just felt like your wording could have been given some "excuses" for why she shouldn't have to give it up or to place the responsibility on the therapist to be the alternative. Which neither are really fair to the OP, because I don't think they are realistic. I think that building skills with him and talking about a safety plan is wise - but to see that the trade for self harming is therefore needing him to be on-call is not.

And I have struggled with self-harm - I know what it can feel like.

 

[FauxLiz]

@UnicornSightings @Junebug and @mrsmegan we have been working toward this for quite a while. I have stopped cutting in the last year, in the last 18 months I stopped tazing (yes using a tazer) on myself, stopped engaging in risky sexual encounters with strangers and reduced alcohol consumption from 3-6 drinks a day to 1-2 a week. To offset all of these we have a safety plan in place which actually involves him being available 24/7 due to the work I do which includes being the supervisor for first responders and negotiating their collective bargaining contracts which puts me in a vulnerable place if they were to definitively know I have C-PTSD. I have also been working on developing an exercise habit and healthier eating which are things that are difficult for me due to a lot of other things. I deal with chronic pain which has been uncontrolled for about 30 years, but I have admitted to my T that I abuse one of the medications that I take. My T knows I am due to refill that medication this week and as I have prohibited him from discussing anything about me or my situation with any of my docs including my Pdoc we both know I have tied his hands from preventing me from obtaining the medication.

I admitted to him in writing last week that I had at our three previous sessions considered having him hold my medication for safe keeping but had chickened out so while I feel as though he is pushing it is not without my basically giving him permission to do so and with my best interest involved. I know that eliminating substance abuse is in my best interest but as I mentioned before for the life of me I don't know what it looks like on the other side. I started using alcohol to forget/deal when I was 12 yrs old. When I was in my 20's and numerous additional sexual traumas had occurred and I discovered what this medication could do for/to me when things seemed to blow up I was able for awhile to disappear and forget. So while I know this is what I need to do it is terrifying and not easy. It is also very difficult because he is the first male that I can remember trusting in my life and I think we have the ability to continue doing the hard work if I let us.

 

[Tinyflame]

I might be all-mixed up here, but I think @FauxLiz 's original upset had been over her T offering her a day she couldn't usually do- but can juggle her schedule to accomodate. Then she got angry and reacted verbally in an e-mail.

But, she had been the one to cancel in the first place..

Then she said she's dealing with self-harming, and has been open with her T about it. And hence is struggling, also, to give up the 'tool' she uses.

And her T hasn't responded, and she's trying not to mind-read.

My 2 cents isn't important, though I got over some years of self-harm, and I have SI.

If I had to guess, I'd say out came a reaction, possibly fueled by thoughts of giving up tool, or being triggered, or expectation, or hungry-angry-lonely-tired etc, grief, etc.. Your T sounds like, as others are suggesting you do, making it a priority to try to help you, and you making time helps yourself.

I don't think you mentioned your T demanded you give the tool up on the spot; when you do & as you make changes a plan will increase your safety and success.

Yes, I think you need (and might want) to make an apology. It sounds like your T is kind, probably used to many people over-reacting, but still not obligated to minimize your reaction, or even not feel badly (they are human too and have accomodated you past- eg early a.m. appt's- so that maybe they would hope you remember they have, I think it's appropriate to be thankful for that as well, though I realize you are paying).

Not sure if that's helpful. :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry @FauxLiz , cross-posted.

Wow, you are doing great. :tup: :hug::hug::hug:

I abuse one of the medications that I take. My T knows I am due to refill that medication this week ..

Yes that sounds like the crux.

I understand. Such fear. But such progress.

Your honesty is wonderful.

Your T will understand, I think. I think it's about that.

Yes I wasn't a cutter but self-harmed seriously- ways that could have killed me. One SI attempt was supposedly 'the most painful way to die possible', so I learned decades later. Shook off booze and gambling eventually. Mess dngerously with otc stuff to escape.

Yep, only trusted 2 people ever, that didn't destroy that trust.

One minute at a time will get you there. I hope you can tell your T what you said here. Sounds like the anger and fear is getting projected, because in a stronger moment you gave him the reins to with-hold the prescription.

ETA, for me, it would not be regretting the decision on the basis of 'sanity's' sake, but regretting it not knowing, ie. 'but now what??' :( . Which really = 'how do I cope?'

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Ps, We have many other similarities too, from what you've said @FauxLiz :

negotiating.. (and) puts me in a vulnerable place if they were to definitively know I have C-PTSD.

stopped engaging in risky behaviours

reduced alcohol consumption

been working on developing an exercise habit

and healthier eating which are things that are difficult for me due to a lot of other things

I deal with chronic pain which has been uncontrolled for about 30 years,

chickened out

when things seemed to blow up I was able for awhile to disappear and forget. So while I know this is what I need to do it is terrifying and not easy.

Yes they say there is 'the other side'. :)

 

[mrsmegan]

I think we have the ability to continue doing the hard work if I let us.

Yes! You do. He sounds INCREDIBLY supportive, which is awesome. I encourage you to keep trusting him, despite the fear.

 

[FauxLiz]

I emailed T earlier this afternoon and apologized. I also offered him several different options for scheduling including meeting at our regular time tomorrow morning even though I have no idea when I will get home from my meeting this evening (has the potential to be after midnight based upon our last two sessions of this type) which is why I had canceled. I heard back from him just as I was leaving work to get some supper (eating right now) that we would do our regular time in the morning.

@Junebug it does sound like we have many similarities. I am thinking I need to share with him my parts of this thread as they will be helpful in his understanding of where I am in things @mrsmegan he is very supportive and while it may not seem like it from the outside if people saw where we started and where we are nearly 3 years later we have made substantial progress considering in that period of time I have undergone and recovered from brain surgery and experienced a mini-stroke and did months of occupational rehab due to cognitive deficits. It probably sounds crazy to most people but I am looking forward to celebrating in June 12 months without a hospitalization. Thank you everyone for their support and advice here. I will update you on how things go tomorrow. I won't be giving him my meds (I won't have my refill yet) but I know that we will talk about it, next steps and what life on the other side looks like.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow @FauxLiz , doesn't sould silly at all. I'm sorry you're going through that, but you're obviously a fighter. :) :tup: :notworthy:

 

[mrsmegan]

I heard back from him just as I was leaving work to get some supper (eating right now) that we would do our regular time in the morning.

Oh good! I hope it goes well!

 

[anthony]

I have stopped cutting in the last year, in the last 18 months I stopped tazing (yes using a tazer) on myself, stopped engaging in risky sexual encounters with strangers and reduced alcohol consumption from 3-6 drinks a day to 1-2 a week.

Focus on these positives -- use them to help yourself acknowledge that your therapy work is helping you positively, and to keep a healthy regime of it going forward. When you stop making progress from therapy, then drop it and go it alone.

 

[lauriel]

I emailed T earlier this afternoon and apologized. I also offered him several different options for sc...

ying
Hey. I was a cutter I deliberately screwed up anything good because I simply wanted everyone to be as hollow and miserable as me. I'm 41... I remember being 6 and hiding in the woods. I cant say its been an easy journey. I would be lying. My abuser apologized..... The decorum prohibits what he put me through. At my mothers funeral no less. Triggers happen. I got tired of feeling like I was wrong. Here I was missing out on my life. I didn't seek help til I was 26. And my psychologist said I taught him more than any book. you don't cut to die.... I did it to feel.....just to feel. I was hollow.....You have to have a Dr you can 100 percent trust. because if you feel like you cant say something..... your hurting treatment. I had flashbacks things I didn't even remember that were so suppressed. it was hard having all that crap at the surface... we built that wall.... sometimes I miss it. I meet people and I say I have been there, It helps to know your not alone and theres nothing wrong with it. I openly talk about it. Minus details that are just not necessary. If you ever want to talk or just listen to me talk about my experiences.. Id be happy to help. I didn't have any family to turn to.... it wasn't til my mom realized what happened she saw the bigger pic. Drs are booked like crazy. my pcp takes care of me. He was my moms dr for 20 yrs and he and I have no secrets. but to get regular appts... I feel for you.

 

[talon]

I feel as though I lost it with my T via email last night and now I feel frozen and am not sure what to...

Firstly you are the patient and you are having therapy for a reason. Try not to overthink the situation and stress yourself more. Email a simple sorry and state will explain friday that way you are not giving yourself undue pressure