Childhood What would you say to a traumatized child who acted out?

[shimmerz]

I have got to reframe this and my therapist says this is really the reaction of the kid who was almo...

I am working on this myself. I am living in someone else's house and I know that my reactions are born out of the fear that I will be killed while I am here for even the tiniest of infractions. That, of course, cranks up my anxiety because I keep overthinking every goddam thing I do.

I keep thinking of my granddaughter. I mean, the things that she does gets her in trouble sometimes. In a house. Yikes! Of course, I am projecting, but I keep thinking this is going to cause her permanent damage. Full stop. No. That was ME as a KID. Not my granddaughter.

So much of what I am working on is 'what is real' vs 'what is projection'.

Anyway, my granddaughter, I have decided, is alright as long as someone cares enough to help her nervous system to get calmed. So she feels loved. Even if she did make a mistake. So when I see her upset, I watch and see - and her parents, my son and d-i-l make certain that she knows she is alright. That it is over. And grandma? She helps her giggle and work her whole body (like playing catch or dancing), so that she and her body knows that life is going on and that there is no need for fear or dread of doing something wrong again.

And that is what I am trying to do for myself in this house as well. I am trying to remember that even if I do something catastrophically wrong, and I am surrounded by assholes who take out their frustrations on me, belittle me, or have ideas of me that I don't agree with, that I know that I did my best. It all comes from inside, you know? That will always ever be the only constant in my life. I get that now.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere reading what you wrote about when you would do something bad/wrong and you would get grounded or thrown against a wall. You seem to think it’s associated with chaos at home. I experienced a lot of the same for doing things wrong, but my reason for doing them was for a very different reason. I was looking for ATTENTION. And it didn’t matter if it was positive or negative attention I received, as long as my mother paid attention to me. Just wondering if you were looking for the same??????

I wasn’t a great parent, so my words my not help, but I think just having patience and listening would be the first place to start with a child acting out. Then talking things out and trying to work out a better solution for them.

 

[nowthisisme]

I still can't talk to my inner child. I fear her and avoid any interaction with her.

But I'll let you know what I did with my daughter. She is 6 and her grandfather passed away a few months ago, she was devastated, she was in love with him. We tried our best to prepare her for his death and we thought she handled it. She cried a lot and spent a lot of time with her grandmother and she seems to be holding it together.
We didn't notice major changes in her until about 2 months after. She became aggressive, always challanging everyone, and began bullying other kids.
At first we couldn't connect it to her grandfathers death, we tried redirecting her attention at something else, we meet with her teachers and consler, we explained the consequences of her actions and punished her, we tried anything and everything we thought would work. She would calm down for a few days then start acting out again.

One day she was throwing a fit in her room and braking her toys, I of course got upset and went up there with the intent to show authority and make her stop. But when i walked in i looked at her face and saw anger, I felt she was struggling. So I just walked in and hugged her. She fused but i just held her and she just began crying.

She cried so hard and started saying I miss grandpa. I just told her; its ok to cry, I'm holding you, cry as much as you need, it's ok I miss him too..

After she calmed down i asked her if she would like to write him a letter, and we did. She told me what she wants him to know and i wrote it down for her. She sometimes draws pictures for him.

I'm not sure if u still need more input but i thought i should share mine. Kids just need support and affection, actions affect them more then words.

Let the child know it's OK to be sad, mad, angry, scared.. etc. They are normal feelings everyone experiences BUT they need to know how to channel those feelings, that being destructive and acting out wont solve anything.
Kids also need to know that it's OK to make mistakes, no one is expected to be 100% perfect. Own up to the mistakes you make and learn from them, if the authority figure in their life makes a bigger deal than necessary, they should try and voice their opinion and if that doesn't work ask for help.

I hope you were able to work through this and sorry if i got off topic alittle.