Childhood What would you say to a traumatized child who acted out?

[Justmehere]

What would you tell a traumatized child who acted out and got in trouble?

My therapist is begging me to write down what I would say. I keep drawing a blank. I really need to reframe this other than what I think about me...

I can’t think of a thing. I’m trying. I see what my therapist is trying to do and she’s on vacation now. I keep replaying in my mind a time where I was legitimately in trouble as a kid for doing something stupid and deserving of redirection and consequences... what I got was nearly being murderered.

There is something in my life now, where I am PARANOID of being in “trouble” and my therapist linked in back to this...

I take feedback for mistakes ok. My boss says I’m great to work with and all that. But someone in a different kind of role is acting in a way where I fear I’m in trouble... for no reason at all. I don’t know why I think I’m in trouble. I can’t identify what I have done wrong. Telling myself I have not done anything wrong to be in trouble just spins me out more. It doesn’t work. I’m responding inside my head like I’m about to die. When I’m not. So yeah... that’s not working. I’m freaking paranoid tonight. All day actually.

I have got to reframe this and my therapist says this is really the reaction of the kid who was almost murdered for doing something wrong.

What do I tell that kid/myself? Any suggestions?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Young kid: redirect to something else.

Older kid:
“You made a bad choice.” “Lots of people make mistakes”. “What do you think would have been a better plan?”

Because I am also a Christian I may also mention forgiveness to the child. How God forgives all sins and that everyone sins. Forgiveness is a fresh start.

(Wow.... just now writing this made me imagine talking to nine year old me. Hmmm. What a timely post. I wish I would have told a safe adult. Then maybe I could have avoided the fear of death and the guilt over what we did.)

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m confused.

Is the child acting out because of the trauma?

Or is the behavior unrelated to the trauma?

 

[Friday]

Does it help to think that there's no one "right" answer?

This has been my life for the past 5 years. Because my abused kid has been doing what abused kids do; going through various different phases of acting out / reacting to living in abuse.

There are a whole helluva lot of "right" answers... if we define "right" the way I use use it :

- what builds him up & gives him strength,
- what makes him smile when he's miserable,
- what pisses him off when he's out of line

Spoiler: Why?

(instead of crumbling, melting down, or blowing up... Anger? Is good. It's neither blind rage, nor suicidal despair, nor apathy... being pissed off is a good middle of the road reaction to having screwed up & being called on it that means he's engaged & listening & thinking, as opposed to being flooded)... the only thing better than anger IME is nonchalant easy recognition & agreement (rueful, yep, totally screwed that's one up) -OR- disagreement (determined, I believe it was the right thing, and/or worth it, and here's why). <<< He HAD that, before he was abused, the self confidence to be called on a mistake, and either agree or disagree, depending on his own view.

- what challenges his thinking
- what makes him feel safe
- what salves pain
- what saves pride
- what encourages honesty
- what makes him excited
- et cetera

List goes on. A lot. Because acting out? Isn't straightforward. It comes from a lot of different places. Which means it's a moving target, and there is no ONE thing. It's meeting him where he's at.. while keeping an eye on where I want him to be. ((And also knowing there are going to be times where I read him -or the situation- wrong, and screw it up. Hopefully not saying exactly the wrong thing, but that's happened, too.))

This isn't a one shot deal. It's an evolving conversation. With a lot of moving parts.

So... speaking as a parent? Pick something small to begin with. Not a ghandi-like earth shattering star ringing phrase that somehow encapsulates everything and puts it all to rights. Also not something -if youve got such a phrase tucked in your back pocket - you're going to rebel against hearing because it's so damn big, or goes against everything you believe.

Something little, something true. Just start there.

 

[MVH]

What would you tell a traumatized child who acted out and got in trouble?

My therapist is begging...

I was 17, I was triggered one morning on my way to school years ago and a bloodthirsty personality came out of the pandoras box. It felt pretty good, all that pesky empathy melted away and rage came flooding in. I wanted to hurt someone and fight, i didnt care who. A class mate asked me "you wanna fight" jokingly and i tried to take her up on it. I felt beautifully sociopathic. The teacher came in, noticed i was a little off and said "you came in late it doesn't matter what happened at home , you dont get to come in here make it all about you, your here now". It was enough to snap "me" back in place. I haven't had a complete personally shift before or since, thankyou dissociation and empathy. It's never occurred to anyone i might be ptsd, instead i got adhd.11 years in and out off fostercare, neglect, abandonment, a bit of mental abuse. no one listened, no one noticed. No one cared. before the snap that morning i was feeling isolated, my current situation had become unstable again and things didnt feel safe. I started thinking back to when all i had to count on was myself.i think a sort of offense-ive self-preservation mechinism kicked in. Let the kid know you acknowledge the hell they've gone threw, remind them they've survived, tell them its over and they dont have to fight anymore, that they're not alone. most People dont realize that most of the time survival instincts don't just shut off conveniently.

 

[Teasel]

It would depend on the age of the child but I would show caring.

 

[Mach123]

IDK : (

 

[Beans]

It's gonna be ok.
Let's talk about why you did that.
it's ok to feel mad/bad/sad etc.
it's normal it's natural it's ok.it's healthy.
I'd feel that way too.
everyone feels that way sometimes.
What you did was not ok.
let's find a better way to deal with that in the future.
If you feel upset/frustrated/mad/sad you can always talk to me.
We'll figure it out together.
behavior that hurts pple yourself isn't ok and has consequences.
Give said consequence and make sure they understand.
Or say since you don't know before this time well give it a pass, but if it happens again, this is the consequence.
Remember you can always talk to me or find a way another way to feel better.
I'm always here.
You don't have to get through this alone.
We all make mistakes. everybody does.
Let's just try to learn from them and do better next time.
Its going to be ok.
Etc.

Adjust for age, most important to not focus on behavior. Focus on feelings and reasons that caused the behavior. Help them learn to deal with it in healthy way. Really listen. Then deal with the consequences of behavior still with lots of love support and compassion.

There's a ton of other words/ways, but just being there, being with them, being present is most important. All behavior is caused by feeling and thoughts. Help the children figure out their feelings so they can learn to make better choices.

 

[Ronin]

That they probably had a reason, or a list of reasons, and there are other alternatives / offer alternatives - but that I also understand, to them, in that moment, there were none alternatives. They did what they thought was the rightest thing to do with a shit situation & pressure.

It's gotten them through. They did well enough. Maybe not well? But well enough.

Something I used to say to kidlets while still having them at opportunity. Because I was so fricking happy they came to me - trusted me enough - with something so charged like that, wanting an opinion. And they cared about improving - which is also huge, and a huge step on the right way. The last thing I should do with that trust is throw it to the bin with guilt tripping them or blaming them, some more - after they're looking on a way out from it, already.

As to non-physical & inner kids and what not, similar advice when I'm capable of it with a twist, re-examining all the physical factors around me. Because that adults, in whatever capacity, weren't on the task, or capable of it? Means my body & the situation & / or the relations were f*cked sideways in more ways than one, and I need to get cognizant of those factors, all of those factors, instead of be smashed by them over and over.

 

[Justmehere]

Is the child acting out because of the trauma?

In my case, I acted out a lot at home as a kid. Not anywhere else... which in and of itself suggests it was probably linked to chaos at home. I remember feeling anxious about the threat of possible abuse and then breaking the known and unknown rules at home, and then getting a mix of either of a somewhat appropriate response from my parents (stuff like being grounded) or abuse (being thrown into a wall, etc.) I also remember other times where I broke rules or did stupid stuff kids do because... I was a kid. And it the response from my father would either be appropriate or violence...for days...

I oddly can’t remember what they would say to me if it wasn’t tied with violence. I remember getting grounded and all that, but not how they spoke to me.

I basically need to write a letter to myself now - to the kid that I was, that learned to be terrified of being in trouble, and yet also would act out because of being terrified of being in trouble. And would then get into trouble... ugh.

@TexCat and @Bearlinda - Oh, I didn’t even think of age appropriateness. Good point.

God forgives all sins and that everyone sins. Forgiveness is a fresh start.

This is a good point, especially for me, because I believe this too.

@Friday, you are on point about the moving target. And you are right, there isn’t one right way to do it. It’s funny you mention the anger bit - my therapist has explained she has been trying to get me to FEEL and even direct anger at her to work it all through.

what builds him up & gives him strength...

As I read this list, I imagined if this had been the way someone had responded to me as a kid... It would have been so damn helpful. That’s why I need to do it for myself now...

And I don’t want to do this. I just don’t. It’s painful. But I need to do this because it’s driving me off the edge. :/

Reading the other posts now.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

In my case, I acted out a lot at home as a kid. Not anywhere else... which in and of itself suggests...

I agree on it being really hard. When my first T wanted me to write from the perspective of my inner child, I couldn’t do it. I was still directing all of my anger at myself. So I really had no compassion for younger me. You having to come to yourself as a caretaker means you have to accept yourself as a child victim/survivor. Scary stuff! Good luck!

 

[Mach123]

I was supposed to do something about this for therapy homework last week but thank God she forgets! Let's talk to me the little boy. She wanted me to write him or draw a picture. I can not talk about this. (even though I am) I have to kind of put myself in the third person which is fine, it was so long ago. I don't know what could have been done with him. That made him a vampire. I guess I feel easier talking about it like that. What do you say to a vampire? IDK. Today they make them nice in the movies. Let's let the humans live and fall in love with them and so on. It's a nice sentiment. Since I don't remember how that happened to him, it would be really hard to imagine the conversation. I guess the conversation is going on now in a lot of ways in my head and in therapy? IDK IDK IDK.

If you give something like that to a child, what do you think will happen? I had a sense that it was wrong. It was. I am glad we are talking about this.