What's A Real Concern, And What Is Ptsd?

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

It's true. My father's suicide devastated me for life. I have learned to live with it, but you can never get over it. It keeps me in a pretty constant state of terror over people leaving me or doing the same themselves. My father mentioned me in his suicide note, a fact my mother brought to my attention.... he said he didn't think I loved him anymore. I worry all the time that my wife will feel unloved.... and so sometimes I realize I go too far.... go into pathetic mode, saying that I love her and wish I could make her happy.... I feel constantly responsible for her happiness..... and that's a hard thing to do.....

 

[novemberDark]

That devestation is terrible, I hope he spares her that forever.

I think that fear about her leaving you is that sence of abandonment right? You say" I wish I could make her happy". She's there with you for a reason. Married you for her reasons. I think it takes two to walk beside eachother in life together, not behind or in front of the other. That's what you guys have been doing. Hope you can release yourself from taking all the pressure upon you.


He's sounding good, I will mention this when I see him face to face ( very open communication). Still I can tell you that if he's going to do it, there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how loved he is. He would not be in the right frame of mind (hard to accept that a dear one can go there). You know this common saying, I've heard many times, about how devastating it is for a parent to outlive a child. The other way around is horrible too. You have the rest of your life to live.

Don't loose track though that anything can happen to anybody, anywhere at any time. That's what I keep doing so I can enjoy the moments. If you're struggling, but managing and you have love, its just there to enjoy and accept.

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

I'm just afraid a lot of those reasons have gone away. Despite everything, when we first met I was positive and optimistic about life. That was just over ten years ago..... and we had a lot of good years, but the past few have really been hard. I'm afraid she'll fall out of love with me because I don't have the strength I thought I had then....

One of the things that's hard for me is when I see other people my age going to their parents for advice..... I don't have that. I don't know what to do. I was 13 when I heard what I thought was a car backfiring, but was really my father with his shotgun in the basement. That's the only time my father EVER used that gun. It's also the only time I ever had a clue that he was anything but a happy person. I still, to this day, have no idea how it all really happened.....

I worry that maybe I'm falling into the same funk as him sometimes. I won't kill myself..... because I know the consequences. Life insurance does not cover suicides.... you're left with an empty feeling of... why? You'll never get to understand that moment in that person's life. I heard my father rummaging for his bullets in the closet across the hall from my bedroom....... I wish I had gotten up.... I live with that every day.

But I don't want to be in this funk. I want to be happy with my life. I want to experience the moment, not dwell in the past and not worry about the future..... it's a lot harder than it seems. I have visions of the future that are so dark and depressing sometimes.

For instance..... with this ice thing. I dreamed all last night about the horrible things that could come from it.... how when the water melts it's going to come in through the ceiling and ruin everything we have..... how it's going to be another major bill..... is this realistic.... or this just this dark thinking? I don't know..... that's why I'm not even sure what to be worried about.

By the way, I want to thank you all so much for your support so far. There's a lot of forums out there where people can go for help but aren't any good....... but, despite what I'm writing, this is really, really helpful. That's why I keep coming back.

 

[novemberDark]

I know I know I was a lot stronger when I was younger too.

Even a decade make a difference. I asked my councillor recently howecome I'm have such a hard time now with this stuff, while I managed to get through way worse? Sounds to me you have your wife through good and bad years. I always found the best thing to do is to talk open about the feelings of fear. I found often they turn out to be mutual or just my perception. My councillor and I concluded age has something to do to with it (but then that goes for everybody). An older friend said we also get wizer, more resillient that way, so use it.

I cannot go to my father for advise anymore either (he was my commander). Even from a far while he was still alive, I had a voice in my head. It told me what to do when I was in danger, when I had to fight. When he died the compass started spinning, I lost my North and that voice disappeared for a while.

I've also found that there are people in my life that are sort of parent figures. My mom is still alive, but I even have a mother figure here too.

The I could have done this, I could have done that, when you go through the sequence of event's can drive you pretty crazy. You didn't know, didn't expect it, so why would you have wondered about the sound of the bullets ? This was the same time you didn't know he was anything but a happy person. Plus you were a teenager ( the brain is not fully grown, thinking concrete and not abstract).

People in general are afraid to loose things.

I feel the same way you do about this forum, now all it takes is someone that knows about walls,ceiling's and ice to respond ;).

Your trying to make your 'dreams' true, so watch 'suggestive' dreaming ! I read in someones thread on here, how they think about happy things before going to sleep helps.

 

[The Albatross]

Here's the thing, house stuff is just house stuff. Perhaps your hypervigilence is trying to see patterns where none exist. A for instance would be my brother, who does not have PTSD. He had many issues with his home, some similar to yours... and it never once occurred to him that something sinister is going on. Now his wife did complain about the expenditures... but they were necessary. Very necessary.

I have PTSD. But I don't have a suicide in my history. I don't have the issues you do and don't look for patterns when stuff happens around here. It is a stresser, it is inconvenient, it is expensive, it is maybe even Murphy's law... but it is not my PTSD. Because my brand of hypervigilance is direct, up close and personal threats.

Maybe your's isn't? Maybe your's is blended with regret... If you'd have seen it coming (the suicide) perhaps something could have been different? Just a guess, and not even a solid one.

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

I'm hoping I'm seeing patterns where they don't exist. I'm hoping any day now I can just say, "OK, that's the last big issue." I know that's not really realistic either.... but I just feel as though I've spent more of my life unhappy than happy at this point.

Definitely having an episode tonight where I can't stop worrying about the ice on the back of my house. Googled a few things that freaked me out even more..... about how my walls could be rotting and I wouldn't even know except for that ice.....

I'm also very skeptical of people in general.... but need someone to trust. I'm going to call a guy I know who is a roofer to see what he has to say....

I almost want to just ignore it though.... pretend like there's definitely nothing wrong.... because he's almost definitely going to find something wrong.... that's a certainty.... it's whether or not it's something that needs immediate fixing.......