When Do You Give Up On A Friend?

[Deleted member 12723]

I have learned that for me in my life, it takes a long time to make a friend and to earn trust from me. I did not use to do this but accepted anyone as a friend that crossed my path which was very bad for me in the long run.

I would not hang around with someone who is not available as this so called friend. Red flags.

 

[illusionist]

I wouldn't be friends with myself, not because I don't care about people or because I don't respect others but because I don't lean on people.....when I'm having a hard time, or have a problem, I turn inwardly and will cancel purely because I cannot inflict my pain on others.

I imagine this could be so easily misread.

 

[Gadgie]

Aye! I know what you mean, I think that's why it took me so long to talk to the therapist I saw a few years ago. I would "talk" to her, but not about the things that were bothering me, if you know what I mean?

I do share something's with my sister, when we face time, but I never go into "deep stuff" Even when I do want to share, I find it difficult to say what I mean, so I think that's why I keep things bottled up.

 

[Heather]

The lady upstairs went above and beyond betrayal. She is no friend. She is a liar and deceit. Trying to blame other people for her actions and when I caught her in the lie....

She denied, denied, denied. What a f*cking b*tch and loser,

Does anyone know how to tell the truth? And who can you trust? 'Cause right now, I have little faith in other people.

 

[Knak]

Constant cancellations and late arrivals is not a symptom of anything actually. It is a flaw in character that can happen with any individual that does not care enough to treat others with respect. You are saying “You are not important enough for me to free up whatever I have to do even though you rushed to make it to our appointment or moved around your appointments to meet me.”

In my case it is because I am so afraid of people that I freeze and dissociate and procrastinate. It takes a lot of energy to overcome the fear and to get ready - dress, clean up, do my best to look appealing so I'm not rejected for appearance. I understand others would read it differently.

I do recognize some people will say let's get together and not mean it because they don't think about actually doing it and I feel I have nothing to make them want to be with me. That comes across too.

 

[Knak]

Quote....."I still don't expect to find friends who won't abandon me. I'm too depressed and scared to rec...

I find not getting out can generate a bad habit I repeat, and then my fear takes command. I get worse when I stay in and it can control me. I do know it is so important not to lose contact with others, as long as they are not demeaning. I don't think I'll ever overcome the agoraphobia. I've had it since I was ten and I am 66 now.

I started out forcing myself to go shopping just to get out, buying stuff I didn't need but only to get out. Then I started walking and people would wave. That is just the way our town is. I volunteer to do things with my talents, just to have contact, but it's easy to get used. It did lead to a lot of jobs but I hate the pressure of being on time or not doing what I want to do.

I have joined groups and have known some people in our smaller town for over 20 years who I know will not harm me. I see them occasionally in these groups and it is a good experience, but I have to force myself to go. I don't pursue particular people as friends I still feel undesirable with nothing to offer as a friend.

 

[Gadgie]

That's where the difference is with me, as I find that I can't get along with people, I'm too nervous and anxious when I'm in a group.

My mouth goes dry, and then I start to stammer, when I'm trying to say something, I really have to think about what I'm going to say before I say it, and it's that pause, where I must look stupid to other folk,as they are expecting a response straight away?

 

[halflifeguy]

Heather, you did the right thing; respecting yourself and cutting out the disappointment and rejection the 'friend' was in your life.

 

[candor]

I feel I have nothing to make them want to be with me.

Your feeling is real. Thing is we can never truly know what the other person is feeling. Have you ever considered that maybe you might not have to do anything special at all for someone to want to be with you? That feeling someone may have of 'wanting to be with you' is just as real.

I will never know the true reasons for the constant cancellations and late arrivals. What I do know is that there was never a good time to discuss my feelings with him cause "it would hurt him too much". The same thing was true if I wrote an email or text about it. While he mentioned that he believed that in time he could work on it and it would go away, I experienced that the more lenient I became the more frequently he would push away. I was able for the longest time (6 months) to be in denial as I also dissociated and numbed. Eventually, the disappointment and rejection took over when I needed that friend that could not be there for me but expected me to jump when he snapped. If I did not ignore the emotional abuse, the implicit threat of being cut off was always there. I can' be sure but it felt that he cancelled to prove who was in control. When I named the game, his paranoia took over.

First, he said that he had left a book at my home. I said that he was welcomed to look for it with me. Same evening, he texted me that I was the only visitor he has had and that he is convinced that I have stolen a book from his book shelf. He says to give him back his book or never again contact him. I simply stated that I do not have this book and that I am sorry that he does not believe me. Now I am respecting his wish. He won't contact me again. I am pretty sure.

That feeling of wanting to be with him doesn't go away. I do not see him as the bad person he thinks I see him as. I see him as someone who is not getting the help he needs. My choice to respect myself was the right one. It feels awful....the guilt that I should have done more will linger on. I think what made me consider this to be "the right thing to do" was that I couldn't find anyone that thought I was doing the right thing for myself.....you know what I mean?

 

[Chimera]

I think one of the things I am learning about myself and my attachment disorder stuff is that I used to...

My younger brother asks me: do they treat you well? Such a qualifying question. It has become a queston i apply to most parts of my social/ professional life.
But, truthfully, I am terribly lonely.

 

[Knak]

Your feeling is real. Thing is we can never truly know what the other person is feeling. Have you ever co...

It just seems you are getting yourself into a trap that you can avoid. Your reasons to pursue him are not valid in my book. sorry.

 

[Friday]

I don't consider it giving up. I consider it realizing that we have different need/wants in people. That, or I just plain don't like them. Either or, really. Same result.