When I stop

[meander]

Everything feels too hard. I can distract myself endlessly with purposeful things as I work full time and have a family but at work when I stop or pause to change task I find myself suddenly trudging through fog and unable to get going again.
I have a long commute during which time I end up ruminating and processing/planning either personally or for work. Once I’m home I feel incapable of ordinary tasks such as dinner, bathing, housework- I just want pyjamas and bed (8:30!!!).
The next day the cycle repeats. Then the weekend comes and I can’t even surface but sit in bed comforting myself with pain/fear/memories.
I’ve also noticed my startle response is super sensitive lately! I’m worried someone at work will comment.
How does it get better? I have no energy to give to it!

 

[blackemerald1]

Hello @meander - welcome. :)

I see that you are in therapy so well done for taking that on. Do you feel it is assisting you?
Sometimes therapy can cause a spike in symptoms before they settle. Have you discussed your ^^ mood with your T?

You do sound quite flat and exhausted. When was the last time you have a physical check up? Otherwise have you considered some medication?

 

[Friday]

How does it get better? I have no energy to give to it!

Damn good question.

My best idea on the subject is a 20/20 hindsight thing / coming at it from the other direction... I look at what I did when things were getting worse, rather than holding steady, much less getting better. Namely? I cut myself off from the coping mechanisms & stress management that kept me stable during my good years, and then I piled on more stressors.

To be fair, I did it for good reason; I thought it was the responsible thing to do. It was not the responsible thing for someone with PTSD to do :facepalm: but I didn’t know I still had PTSD (I thought I was cured / over it/ “had” a perky little case of PTSD way back when), much less what it meant to be getting symptomatic, again, or what the long term consequences would be of that happening.

Basically, I was going through a hard time financially (divorce, domestic violence), and so I cut all the ‘luxury’ -as I saw it at the time- out of my life. Meaning all my sports, mini-getaways & vacations, social engagements/outings, memberships, art supplies, adventuring, volunteering, etc. I went from living a very full and active life, with built in & spontaneous breaks, that couldn’t have been better designed to manage my PTSD... to nothing. Overnight. During a time when I should have been adding more stress release valves, and seeking more support, and very carefully minding my balance.

Not that I wouldn’t have still done that, if I understood what PTSD was, but instead of simply stopping I’d have moved heaven and earth to substitute free & less expensive options in their place, (ideally BEFORE removing them!) rather than something to nothing.

I’m not someone who says “I would have”, lightly. I think it’s bullshit to say what you “would” do in a situation, until you’ve actually been IN that situation. I can say it pretty freely now, because it’s what I’ve been doing and trying to do, ever since I wrapped my head around needing to bring things into my life that stabilize me, and manage my stress & my symptoms both as I have them -and a thousand times better- before they can rise to the level of impacting me, much less completely f*cking up my life.

It’s wicked hard to add things in after the fact. Once something is already up and running, it’s a helluva lot easier to maintain it, than to start something new. So. Much. Energy. To start something new. Ugh.

But that brings me around to the crux of your question... in order to get better? I HAVE to do that. I have to slowly start incorporating MORE into my life, as I want less, AND am less and less capable.

It’s not impossible. It doesn’t even have to be hard. Even if it sounds and feels like both.

Best tool to get there, I know of?

Stress Cup.

 

[meander]

I see that you are in therapy so well done for taking that on. Do you feel it is assisting you?


You do sound quite flat and exhausted. When was the last time you have a physical check up? Otherwise have you considered some medication?

Thank you.
I am getting to grips with my T, she is very good but I’m just learning how to relate and keep boundaries etc. I’ve been seeing her for 2 months only. We are similar in age and I wonder if that causes hesitation on my part- like we could be friends so I would text or email her and I don’t know how appropriate that is. She is away for 2 weeks now. I think it’s made me panic.
I have been in comms with my GP too and put back on meds (SSRI) also 2 months now but she suggested increasing the dose and I was reluctant...she also offered to sign me off work but I can’t bring myself to make that choice.

But that brings me around to the crux of your question... in order to get better? I HAVE to do that. I have to slowly start incorporating MORE into my life, as I want less, AND am less and less capable.

It’s not impossible. It doesn’t even have to be hard. Even if it sounds and feels like both.

Best tool to get there, I know of?

Stress Cup.

Thank you- yes the stress cup was very insightful. I have to overcome the self inflicted fear of people and their response to my coping with stress- never allowed to express that as a child and to this day can’t cope with not coping!
I understand your incorporate more to have less. I had not thought of it that way.