When Therapist Offers To Call....then Doesn't...

[Tinyflame]

ignoring it I

Maybe @barefoot , & maybe not (as others have said).

But the cascade of negative emotions when trying to overcome distrust in your heart, is hard to do. And if it's a pattern, easy really to say whatever is your truth (emotional or not). Eg, "It's very hard for me to ask & very hard for me to deal with my own self-blame / negative self-critic if you can't or don't for whatever reason follow through. So I want to try to extend the trust, & learn how & get better at it, but the repercussions may be too much to handle for me (for now) if you don't/ can't. And I appreciate all you've done but I find myself feeling I don't trust you at all after that." (Or whatever). I guess it's just saying the truth?

I do think the point is getting better able to roll with stuff, but when one is raw or at the end of the line nearly impossible to feel graceful or magnanimous about it sometimes. But I think 'how' or 'why' you feel she did it will color or determine how you feel. (It's funny, even a dog knows if you've kicked them versus accidentally tripped on them.) So that is the centre of feeling badly about it. (eg if you heard she broke her leg you wouldn't be putting a value judgment on yourself or her.)

Actually I think possibly people without trauma or ptsd etc may not actually understand the importance of the smaller things. Not just the difficulties, but the importance & gain of coming through conversely too. Like when you have a previously-abused dog, etc. They are the same, you can earn their trust by many small things but even one small negative thing can set you both back miles.)

 

[Tinyflame]

ETA, I came back to say however, imagine if we were all held to a standard of not making a mistake. Oye. Though true we feel as we do, if we had better self worth or were more 'regular' we wouldn't even bat an eyelash. So I guess it's a fine line, somewhere between understanding & even kid-gloves, & yet trying to approximate what others' aren't affected by, to achieve that. To not default to hating ourselves further too.

Sorry @barefoot for rambling on, but I'm finding it hard to convey what I mean & one last thought occurred to me (& I had some 'a''s missing. :) ). I've had 2 abused dogs, & 2 maltreated dogs, & one personal protection dog (professionally police trained).

If an abused dog lays on you, say over your arm, if you can you should never move, no matter how uncomfortable or sore you feel until they do. Similarly, I had one german shepherd that rolled over in the passive position from the start. I sort of stopped her; I didn't want her to feel (because of the abuse) that she had to give me that trust yet. But in doing so, it sent the message to her abused mind that she shouldn't trust me. It took a long time to overcome it. I made a mistake. (I say it because it would have been counterintuitive to do it, but I should have, & I'm trying to understand that concept). But you see it had been she that offered the trust; I didn't get it. And she actually chose well, but I screwed up because I didn't understand.

Best wishes & I will sign out! :)

 

[barefoot]

Thank you @Junebug - and I understand your meaning very well :-)

I know she wouldn't have intended for me to feel this way. But then, she also knew I wasn't in a good place - that's why she offered the call.

I think she does get the small stuff...I think when we talk about it she will understand why it had the impact it has had and I think she'll own her part of the responsibility for that. And I will need to own mine.

No matter what I "know" intellectually, you are right....this has damaged the trust and I guess that's what I need to tell her. I know it's a small thing. I know it's one thing amidst all the other really good things I know, think and feel about her. I know this shouldn't matter in the great scheme of things. But, at the moment it feels like it matters so, so much. She feels less trustworthy now. Sigh...

 

[watundah]

You do have a right to be bothered. The whole therapeutic relationship is based upon trust and being told something will happen and then it doesn't is the last thing we survivors need. And it seems so bloody blatant to us, why don't they get it?

I recently had a Come to Jesus discussion because my T was taking vacation time at least one week a month. It made me feel like I was a low priority, especially since I can come in anytime and could easily come in a different day; and a few other things were bothering me. We had a few email exchanges between sessions and things improved markedly. She is not very straightforward about telling me that she cares about me but her efforts to change mean a lot. Like maybe I really can trust this person. I said "Saying it's one thing, doing it's another." She didn't like that statement but I see her making an effort. And I try not to feel bad when my fees pay her rent. ;-)

I guess what I am trying to say is, you need to say something and you are not off base. Their psychic powers suck. I like the idea of telling her to quit making the offer because it's happened more than once and sets you up for hurt. I imagine that may resonate with her. Let us know how it goes. It's tough to be so straightforward sometimes but they've been subject to much, much worse!

 

[Tinyflame]

You know, irrespective of this situation in particular but rather all in general, I find for myself when my stress is very high, +/or anxiety, terror etc, or sometimes other emotions though I can't think of which ones now, my 'feelings' & perspective are not necessarily skewed but seem very overwhelming (if that makes sense?) I can feel a 9 reaction of get-out-of-there to a 3 event. (Though I cn lso respond to a 9 with a 3. :rolleyes: ).

 

[barefoot]

The whole therapeutic relationship is based upon trust and being told something will happen and then it doesn't is the last thing we survivors need. And it seems so bloody blatant to us, why don't they get it?

Yes, this is a key issue....if you can't know for sure that you can do it, either don't say you can or else just let me know when you realise you can't. Simple! And I don't get why she doesn't get it....she has her own trauma stuff herself. I'm not sure what exactly, but she's acknowledged how difficult it is to do this work because she's done it herself and has mentioned releasing trauma physically herself. She hasn't shared anything else and it never feels as though her stuff gets in the way at all (both those things were reassuring when she said them) but it makes me wonder how she can't get that there will likely be a negative impact of ignoring a clients request for support (especially as she offered it in the first place - if she hadn't have offered, I wouldn't have even asked for the bloody call!)

I recently had a Come to Jesus discussion

Ha! You always manage to make me smile. Thank you :-)


My first response was to be angry at my therapist for letting me down....while that feeling hasn't completely gone away, this thread has made me realise that there's a lot of shame tied up in this whole thing for me. It feels shameful for me to feel needy, to ask her for extra support, to look like I need her...and then her not giving it to me and, in fact, not responding in any way at all, increases those feelings of shame. It feels like I don't matter, what I want/need doesn't matter and that I don't deserve a reply. And, intellectually, I know those things aren't true. I know she cares, I know she would never deliberately hurt me, I know she thinks I matter and that I am deserving.

I have no idea where these feelings have come from. I have no idea why there's so much stuff involved in the fact that things came up so we couldn't have a call and I'd have just appreciated a text to let me know. So, I guess that's where I have to go when I see her tomorrow...

 

[Friday]

..this has damaged the trust and I guess that's what I need to tell her

Maybe the thing to work with her with is how to change a statement of fact into something you have more control over.

Like... I know when someone does A, I'm going to feel B. Except I can actually change that. As you're starting to.

I really think a lot of my therapist - she is very caring and compassionate and has gone above and beyond a few times for me. So I don't need anyone to tell me to look for a new therapist! This thing about not always getting in contact when she says she will (and sometimes she does) is the only thing that annoys me about her. It just feels like such a big deal. Even though I know she will have a good reason why she couldn't call.

Can see you sort of tipping back and forth in how you feel about this. Is this Boom! Trust is damaged! Finis! (It simply is, no recovering from it. It's damaged.) or... Is this something that annoys you? It's irritating, but hardly earth shattering. You not only don't blame yourself, even though you're disappointed & stirs up old feelings, you know there will be a good reason for not calling you back.

It's much harder for it to be a thing that annoys you in a person you like/trust. Shades of grey. It goes out on a limb and accepts good with the bad, and weights each accordingly. It says not only does trust not have to be damaged, because I trust that there will be a good reason (even if just a human reason, it won't be about me), this missed phone call is not a harbinger of doom (aka all the stirred up emotions), but when we get together? That trust will be further strengthened by everything being okay. Missed a call. Annoyed. Old feelings started to get stirred up, but they didn't attach even though I had to work at it, and everything is okay.

It's much easier to Black&White it. This missed call was bad. Trust. Is. Damaged. All my old feelings are real, this was entirely about me (forgetting me, abandoning me, I'm not good enough, etc.), doesn't matter what your reason were you hurt me, Kaboom!

It's a bit of a process between... Eh. Missed call. Disappointed, but these things happen, it's not about me... And heartbreaking, gut wrenching, where were you, you left me, you should have known what this would do to me = therefor on purpose, you hurt me.

Working on mitigating how much damage is involved in these sorts of things? One of those steps. Yep. Trust may be damaged. Huge? Or A bit? Dented, maybe... IF we can separate out past from present & a bunch of other things. It starts to turn a statement of fact into a variable. Gutted, to stinging, to flinching but doesn't hurt, to Teflon.

So to me... That would be the line I'd take in therapy / lines I've taken in the past. Take something that, to me is a statement of fact, and turn it into a variable.

"So. This missed phone call when I was freaking out. How do I make this something that doesn't damage my trust in people that I have every reason to trust? My knee-jerk emotional response & my head have 2 entirely different points of view."

 

[barefoot]

@FridayJones - yes, I'm definitely swinging to and fro on this. Because I know how I feel about it (towards her and towards myself) and it feels pretty horrible.. But I'm also trying very hard to keep this in perspective and not lose sight of other things I know...it IS just a missed call, she WILL have a reason why she couldn't call/text and I DO ultimately like her and trust her and think she is a good, caring therapist...

I absolutely don't think she deserves me putting this all on her - blaming her for me feeling shitty all weekend because she didn't get in touch. But I do also think she made a mistake. Yes, not an earth-shattering, relationship ending mistake. But I could have done without it in the middle of all the other stuff and it's now just a bit annoying that I'll have to spend time in session working on this.

I'm sure it will lead to an interesting discussion, so I'm trying to see that as the positive thing to come out of it. I just need to try to keep that as my intention for my session tomorrow, otherwise I can see that I'll feel annoyed and ashamed, then I'll disengage, then I'll leave...and I'll immediately wish I hadn't left and then I'll have another week to wait. Any ideas to help with that?!

 

[Tinyflame]

My first response was to be angry at my therapist for letting me down....while that feeling hasn't completely gone away, this thread has made me realise that there's a lot of shame tied up in this whole thing for me. It feels shameful for me to feel needy, to ask her for extra support, to look like I need her...and then her not giving it to me and, in fact, not responding in any way at all, increases those feelings of shame. It feels like I don't matter, what I want/need doesn't matter and that I don't deserve a reply. And, intellectually, I know those things aren't true. I know she cares, I know she would never deliberately hurt me, I know she thinks I matter and that I am deserving.

I think this is the crux.

Like... I know when someone does A, I'm going to feel B. Except I can actually change that. As you're starting to.

'Feeling' is amendable. But we learn in life to identify what 'actions' mean/ don't mean.

I'm sure it will lead to an interesting discussion, so I'm trying to see that as the positive thing to come out of it. I just need to try to keep that as my intention for my session tomorrow, otherwise I can see that I'll feel annoyed and ashamed, then I'll disengage, then I'll leave...and I'll immediately wish I hadn't left and then I'll have another week to wait

Maybe it's not as much about trust as belief. If you believed what you wrote above, trust would not be affected. But if you doubt it (because you're given reasons to in form of the actions) the tipping back & forth may be because you feel you are over-riding your good judgment to not leave?

 

[Friday]

I just need to try to keep that as my intention for my session tomorrow, otherwise I can see that I'll feel annoyed and ashamed, then I'll disengage, then I'll leave...and I'll immediately wish I hadn't left and then I'll have another week to wait. Any ideas to help with that?!

<grin> You're already doing it! :D Just like in the phone call.

You're spotting your patterns, and figuring out ways around them / breaking them/ repurposing them/ changing them into things you want. It's all very exciting what you're doing / the place you're at. Very moving towards good things.

 

[watundah]

Hmmm. Lots of things come to mind. (Donning Freudian cigar). Does her behavior remind you of anyone? Are you backpaddling to avoid conflict while minimalizing your feelings? Does this look like a good laboratory setting to practice how you would deal with this treatment in real life? And would you put up with this from anyone else?

What irks me in situations like this is that I resent using my time and money to discuss their f*ups. So I may preface it with something like, "I want to take 5 minutes to discuss something and then I want to move on." That way it doesn't overtake your session. It’s kind of a "don't ever do that to me again" statement where she needs to be open, receptive and apologetic, not returning with excuses because none of her reasons are good enough. A text, a sign, just show me a sign.. Of course, *I* would have to draft this in written form because what I want to say in 100 words would shrink to 10.

Best to you. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, ^ . What gets me from what you describe is less of what she didn't do, than the fact she never addressed it afterwards. Did she know she didn't call? Of course she did. Would you feel differently if it were anyone else or any other relationship, as @watundah said? What conclusions would you draw then?