When You Hit That Plateau...

[WesternSky]

Does anyone know what I mean? When it’s been some time after the original trauma(s) and you’ve dealt with parts of it and moved past some triggers, and think you might be healed, and then moments and events and days happen that make you question how much healing you’ve really done?

For awhile afterwards when I was having the worst of the symptoms, I was receiving the least support - the people closest to me thought I was acting up for attention because the flashbacks tended to come at inopportune moments, and I hadn't been diagnosed yet. So I buried that too, and only lately did I learn that at least one of them understands even a little better now and recognizes it as a genuine problem I faced (though I don't know how much they really get it - at least they're trying).

I feel like I have been at a plateau for a long time, able to function after the first few years but mostly by avoidance of triggers and a self-preservationist mental/emotional shut-down kicking in when forced to deal with anything that came too close. I feel as though for the first time I have peeked behind everything I have built since to discover that it stands on a faltering foundation.

I don’t know where to go from here.

 

[WesternSky]

Am I the only one? I can't even have PTSD the "right" or "normal" way. I wasn't in the military. I wasn't abused or attacked or assaulted. I didn't survive an accident or witness a death. From everything I've read, PTSD is supposed to cause depression, not be a result of it. I don't have nightmares, but I've had flashbacks and hypervigilance and terror and the haunting of old faces. My life wasn't in physical danger but my sanity was and I am not the same.

Sometimes I go long periods of time without thinking about it and then BAM, it sweeps over me and I can't imagine my normal life anymore. One moment I can't remember how I used to feel and all of a sudden it's like everything around me is surreal and fake and I feel like half a person. One moment it's locked away in my memories and the next I'm the one locked away again. So most of my life now I can function and I think I'm fine but in certain situations - and sometimes for no clear reason at all - I'm gone again, and I feel that missing part of me like a phantom limb. And there are situations I still can't face without going into survival mode where I will shut down and do or say anything I can to get away.

It can't just be me, can it? I know many of you are still in the new aftermath and others are just starting to confront it now after years of denial/avoidance, but I don't know if I fit anywhere. I'm so alone. Sometimes I wish it would either be clear cut enough that others would understand that I'm sick or just go away completely, because this middle ground is unacceptable. I don't deserve the solace of a break down anymore. Please tell me someone understands something of what I am saying. I am always realizing that the things that happen to me are never as bad as what happens to other people. I'm just not strong enough to deal with them. Anniversary starts tonight and I am already falling.

 

[Rumors]

No, I feel the same way!

 

[piratelady]

For a while, my symptoms were bad. I've gotten better over time, but there will still be days where something will happen and then I'm back in the throws of my PTSD again. I have found though that I don't seem to get any better than I was, like my progress has ceased. I imagine that once I really start working on this again, I will start to see progress again. At least that is what I am hoping for.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Westernsky,

Welcome. Would you like to share what it was was that did happen and that scarred you?

 

[KatB]

I feel the SAME way, WesternSky. I don't know how to function without survival or extreme situations. I become much more aware of myself and know what is wrong, but then, it's like, wth just happened? My memory goes back and forth; remember at times and certain times, I am just a blank. The isolation and depression makes it much more difficult to handle and focus on the solution. That's the way I feel about this too.

I agree with Abstract- we don't know your life situations and what you endure/endured. Say what you can.

 

[Rumors]

Westernsky said: "Am I the only one? I can't even have PTSD the "right" or "normal" way. I wasn't in the military. I wasn't abused or attacked or assaulted. I didn't survive an accident or witness a death. From everything I've read, PTSD is supposed to cause depression, not be a result of it. I don't have nightmares, but I've had flashbacks and hypervigilance and terror and the haunting of old faces. My life wasn't in physical danger but my sanity was and I am not the same."

From your post, I am guessing you endured emotional abuse and you are depressed. I think the fact that we still have triggers that can emotionally change the course of our usual day says that we haven't "dealt" with it completely. I look forward the the day where a flashback, or trigger, enters my mind and I can go to my safe place at will, every time, and continue with my day.

I have read here where people have successfully managed their PTSD. I don't think it ever goes away but it can be managed. I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage and work to get there. I also have realized that there are times during this process that you will want to quit bc the work becomes scary and leaves you feeling vulnerable, much like when the trauma happened. I can tell you that I don't like it at times, but I have had moments of peace which I am not sure I have EVER had in my life. For that, it keeps me coming back bc I think about being able to enjoy things that perhaps I have never enjoyed. AND, just what if I actually could go through a day or a week without having a panic attack? Something to think about in your venture, westernsky

 

[Martin Taylor]

I know just how you feel. Sometimes it is a two steps forward one step back kind of thing. Once in a while two steps back.It gets better, or better managed, as you learn to recognized the triggers and your reactions. Your therapist should be educating you about that. Some days, or weeks, there may be more triggers, or you are just more vulnerable, and others it just sneaks up on you. Hang in there.

 

[saffy]

faltering foundation.

I feel like that sometimes as well. I think a lot of us do so you are not alone. When I feel this it takes a while and a lot of self talk to make me realise that I should not always be questioning my right to live, have feelings and emotions and doubts. Sometimes I think that it all seems to easy, there should be more conflict then I ask myself Why, what is the point of keep torturning myself. I should just allow myself to be happy, stop fighting or feeling guilty that I am feeling happy or that everything seems great.

Sometimes when I feel I am not going forward or back I just embrace the present. Thinking back about things I have dealt with they suddenly do not seem so bad, I cant remember my reaction to things I had before as they do not seem so intense and I do not get lost in it all anymore. I think that makes sense.

I think also that the symptoms of PTSD are a guide and sometimes you do not get every symptom. I do not get nightmares I have rationalised them and tried to find the hidden meaning of them :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[WesternSky]

Thank you all for responding. It really means the world to me to reach out and get responses back from other people who know what I'm talking about and don't call me crazy. I am so impressed by all your courage and willingness to keep moving forward. I wish everyone on this board nothing but the best.

I am afraid to talk about what has left me this way because I am afraid that it is not justifiable. Not enough. On another thread talking about how my partner doesn't understand, someone has already said that if I was in a psych hospital and not abused there, then they can't understand why I have PTSD either.

Maybe I really am that weak. I don't know how I could have dared to waste the time of good people who deal with so much more than I could ever comprehend. Maybe I am just a failure as a person.

 

[saffy]

Maybe I really am that weak. I don't know how I could have dared to waste the time of good people who deal with so much more than I could ever comprehend. Maybe I am just a failure as a person

Hi WesternSky

Everyone is entitled to help and the right to feel whole. There is definately not a scale of what is enough, we are all affected by different things in different amounts. Some things you find frightening I might not and visa versa. What matters is what you are feeling is real and it is yours no matter how it got there.

You also never wasted anyones time. Your thought processes and emotions are real to you so that makes it important as much as anyone else who asks for help.

Just because people do not understand does not make it less important or real but I can understand why you find this upsetting. Who ever it was who said they can't understand are being out of line, they do not even know you or might not be in the position to understand and give advice themselves and by saying this it belittles your problems.

I have come to think that if I do not fully understand it I should not get upset if someone, non proffessional, does not either. Peers find it very hard to grasp the concept and problem if they have never felt like that themselves, it probably seems alien to them. This is why I think that working with a therapist or proffessional is the best way to go rather than torturing yourself by trying to make a peer understand, even a boyfriend.

One quote I love is: you are only a failure if you give up. As a person you are definately not a failure, maybe lost, maybe confused, maybe hurt, but definately not a failure :)

I am so glad you have found us supportive in a positive way. Embrace and work with that rather than listening to negative or misunderstood guidance.

We are all behind you :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[WesternSky]

Thank you Saffy. I notice on here people talk about their support system. I do not have much of a support system. My trauma is difficult to talk about with my family or partner. My parents do not understand PTSD, and when it comes to the trauma itself, their response varies between how bad they feel and how they must not have been good enough parents (leading me to comfort them) to how I should have called them sooner or how I could have avoided it if I'd just come to them first (not helpful at all). My partner has been trying now lately but she finds it difficult because she feels bad for her well-intentioned part of it and for me it brings up feelings of mistrust and anger in me (which I have been working through but do not need to deal with when all I want is support). I have no friends I can talk with. I think this site is the closest to support I have ever found.

I find it very, very difficult to talk with a professional. I have tried to see two of them without much success. I have found that I either go into survival mode, shut down and start lying about my situation so they'll think that I'm fine and I can get away, or panic and start crying because I am so terrified. This puts me in a difficult position as my partner is pressuring me to see someone - again with the best of intentions, because I know on the surface that therapists and professionals are meant to help you, but I know how harmful bad mental health care can be and I do not trust any health care worker now. I feel bad, because despite her reassurances (and I trust and believe her in all other areas), I do not believe her when she tells me I will come back if I go see someone because she was wrong before. They will send me away and this time I won't ever get out.