Poll Where Do You Find A Sense Of Belonging?

[Dee Morris]

I checked educational setting, interest groups and online support forum. But to be honest that's only marginally true. Even in those settings I tend to feel more tolerated than any real sense of belonging.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think @Bluerose hit the nail on the head when she said we must look inward for what we feel we need.

The thing is, and most people don't believe me because this is supposedly a basic need of all humans, is that I don't feel a need to belong anywhere. It's been like this since I was a kid. I lost this feeling for awhile and missed it so. I thought it was gone forever, but then realized it was just masked by PTSD. To me, the feeling is that of self-confidence and not giving a crap about fitting in with other people because I'm secure in myself and I don't need their judgment. I'm not going to change just so I can have a false sense of belonging, which I don't need. Or even a sense of real belonging which probably does happen, but again not something I need.

I hope this makes sense.

 

[Hashi]

It's interesting that several people have mentioned internal feelings and attitudes. It's made me think about this for myself, together with what Solara said

The thing is, and most people don't believe me because this is supposedly a basic need of all humans, is that I don't feel a need to belong anywhere.

This makes sense to me. I think I have much less feeling of a need to belong than many other people. I think the reason belonging to a workplace has always been important is because it gives me a feeling of safety from being able to support myself. My sense of belonging is linked to a sense of independence, in fact. I don't need to belong to any particular workplace. I'm not bothered when I move from one to another. It's that I need to belong to a workplace.

Here is great but there are things that I feel set me apart quite a lot...

That's very true for me. I often feel like I belong on the forum less than everyone else. Objectively, I have some very different views which on here seem to be minority at best. With some of my views I suspect I'm the only one!

...like the fact I don't believe in my trauma a good portion of the time!

Ah, that one's the other way round for me. I found so many people here seemed to feel the same way, it helped me.

A few comments have made me think how belonging can mean being similar, and it can also mean accepting and being accepted. There's definitely something about how much. How similar to other people, and how much we feel accepted. And then how much we need to, and what our relationship to ourself is.

Thank you for such thought provoking replies.

 

[Hashi]

I ticked every box except for the last 2! ... And that maybe that is why I've actually felt a more scattered sense of belonging lately...

This possibility hadn't occurred to me, since I tend more towards feeling apart. I can see that it could feel scattered. I'm curious - what would make belonging to one feel stronger? Proximity? Or something else?

 

[Abstract]

I can't help but think that having a lot of areas is better. I would imagine it would only feel scattered for me if I did not have any sense of belonging in me. I can't feel that one strong sense of belonging would be ideal. What if something happens to it? If that is what props one up then what?

I met someone online who was very religious. She prayed before making any decision in her life and for her family. Then her priest who was her counsellor abused her. There was nothing left.

I have another few unformed thoughts...

 

[Pietro]

I checked educational setting, interest groups and online support forum. But to be honest that's only marginally true. Even in those settings I tend to feel more tolerated than any real sense of belonging.

At the moment, this forum is the only place where I feel really comfortable, and not because it's "anonymous" or impersonal, but because it's the only place where my life and situation are understood in full. I don't have to hide or pretend anything, here. If I could find a similar situation(s) in "the real world", I'd do it in a heartbeat, but this has been elusive my whole life.

I think that getting a better sense of my own identity will help, though. :)

To me, the feeling is that of self-confidence and not giving a crap about fitting in with other people because I'm secure in myself and I don't need their judgment. I'm not going to change just so I can have a false sense of belonging, which I don't need. Or even a sense of real belonging which probably does happen, but again not something I need.

I agree that requiring self-validation from external sources is a not the healthiest way to go. It leaves one open to a lot of emotional turmoil. Having a strong sense of self, as well as confidence and compassion in that self, is important.

However, I don't think this diminishes the desire to belong. We certainly don't stop looking for lovers when we achieve a strong identity; instead, we look for lovers to enhance our lives, not substitute for the lives we don't have (yes, my history ;) ). Same for belonging -- it should enhance our already sound lives, not provide the underpinning for our lack of our own identity.

Really, it's damned hard to go it alone, no matter how strong your sense of self is. :)

A few comments have made me think how belonging can mean being similar, and it can also mean accepting and being accepted.

Interesting observation! I suppose it can be all of these things. "Accepting and being accepted", however, is probably more valuable from the perspective that it offers more potential for being involved, and for connection -- as well as opening one up to diverse experiences that will help you grow. That said, being around like-minded people can be much more validating and more comfortable. So, perhaps, a mixture of these things is best. :)

 

[Pietro]

I met someone online who was very religious. She prayed before making any decision in her life and for her family. Then her priest who was her counsellor abused her. There was nothing left.

Wolves can show-up anywhere, can't they? Especially for the vulnerable, for whom there seems to be no refuge, sometimes. This kind of victimization is abominable and disgusting. It makes me furious.

 

[Abstract]

I found so many people here seemed to feel the same way, it helped me.

Oh, to be clear - me too! What I meant is when I really do think there was/is no trauma. People saying they are doubting doesn't feel the same to me then. I am just 100 % sure I don't belong here. There is other stuff and that is just one example. I don't think you are as different as you feel you are! ;-)

 

[Dee Morris]

Really, it's damned hard to go it alone, no matter how strong your sense of self is.

YES! The truth is that I don't WANT to go it alone. I'm tired of being alone. I've been alone my entire life. I'd love some company. Just not if being with that person just leaves me feeling alone anyway.

 

[Pietro]

I'd love some company. Just not if being with that person just leaves me feeling alone anyway.

Exactly! No more empty or one-sided relationships, with anyone!

 

[bell]

@Hashi, hmm... to answer your question, I think being given more back from those things would make me feel a deeper sense of belonging, as I feel like I'm always giving... And by giving, I feel a sense of belonging, as I am participating in a community, group, etc. But being given more back would sway me to feel more like I belonged to one certain community, group over another.

 

[ms spock]

I feel a sense of belonging at work as well... may cause me to lose my job, but that is why I am here working so hard to fight and beat the problems associated with PTSD.

Good on you Ghostybear73.

Keep it up.

Do you have a list of things that you are doing to help you with your work? Or do you know what to do and are doing it?