Poll Where Do You Find A Sense Of Belonging?

[Survivor2Thriver]

Trust is the foundation of ANY healthy relationship. No trust. No relationship. I feel the sense of "belonging" is the comfort of being understood and accepted.

 

[Hashi]

OK, thanks. That makes sense.

It's different for me. I'm struck by how much I see belonging as two way and how little this comes out in what other people say about it. I've already mentioned how important it is to me that I feel accepting of the other people/situation not just that I feel accepted by them. I also feel that belonging means not only that I can trust them but that they can trust me - that the people or situation bring out good aspects of myself.

I don't entirely agree with the descriptions here of what leads to trust but I'm not going to discuss that because I think there's a risk of the thread going off course. What I would say is that part of how I see belonging coming in is that it works the other way round too.

If I saw predictability and consistency as what leads to trust, then part of belonging would be that the person or situation tended to bring out my own predictability and consistency. That it helped me manifest the qualities I was looking for in the other people.

I'm grateful to people for sharing their thoughts here. It's interesting to me that a thread about belonging is making me feel so different! But it's giving me a lot of food for thought and helping me understand what this means for me. I'm at a point where I need to engage with life more and that's very hard. Any insight into my feeling of belonging is useful in convincing myself I can do a bit more of it. Hopefully.

 

[Tinyflame]

And/ or recognizing how much you do belong already Hashi.

I agree, it's 2-way. PTSD or it's focus on ourselves (our 'defficiencies' or work required to manage or overcome) can inadvertently make us lose focus on the needs of others in a way, or perspective I think.

 

[Hashi]

... and in addition, managing to achieve some of my better qualities sometimes is something I need for myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes and that is good. It doesn't preclude belonging. Only we can clean our own house, or find out what brings healing or improvement or peace.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

It's different for me. I'm struck by how much I see belonging as two way and how little this comes out in what other people say about it. I've already mentioned how important it is to me that I feel accepting of the other people/situation not just that I feel accepted by them. I also feel that belonging means not only that I can trust them but that they can trust me - that the people or situation bring out good aspects of myself.

I agree. Everything is a two way street. Everything. I accept everyone for who they are. That being both good and bad. My problem is if I see negative behavior that could possibly even remotely become abusive. I'm out.

 

[Hashi]

I accept everyone for who they are.

I don't! My default is to reject others and go it alone. Not because of trust/safety but because of intolerance and dislike. I'm very independent, so for me it's about trying to fit some belonging into that.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

You have to accept ppl for who they are. Otherwise it will make you angry. I don't get angry. I associate anger with abuse. I damn near refuse to feel it. I do the same thing I did as a child. I look at them like WTF is wrong with them. My mind goes straight into why they are such an a**. I'm curious. As an adult instead of feeling terrorized I dig for answers. Useful idiots so to speak. Some I humor some I try to help and others I walk away or run. Alone equals safe for me.

I still stand with a sense of belonging requires trust. Complete understanding on both sides of the friendship. The misunderstanding of PTSD is vast. Diverse friendships are where we grow. We all validate each other through friendships. It's the basis of belonging. While it's nice. I don't necessarily "need" it.

 

[Abstract]

I'm struck by how much I see belonging as two way and how little this comes out in what other people say about it.

And I seem to be the only person here that sees it as one way but the opposite to what others are saying. For me it is enough that I see something in the situation that resonates with me even if there is no similar reciprocal feeling or movement. It is not about the outside in for me and is about the inside out. I also seem to be the only one that has a problem with the whole thing as a concept and problems with it almost feeling like a threat to freedom.

Hashi, what you say about how you see this makes sense to me. Partly because your default is independence and a default of rejecting the world and others. Partly because of what you describe about being caught between the horror of your previous death experience and a total lack of a sense of value in life. That this is about trying to find some place and belonging or connection to life for you.

Many people discuss insecurity and not being accepted and I am not sure if they are hearing you that this isn't relevant to you. There are however quite a few people who are saying similar ish things with a few differences.

 

[Abstract]

You’re still the one who does the work of putting what you found useful into practise.

Thanks Bluerose. I am very aware of that and that is not my problem. I am not one who needs encouragement being independent and I rather work on being able to accept getting things from others including support. In fact I think encouragement to be independent is unhelpful for me.

It is about allowing myself to want to belong and allowing myself to feel I belong.

It's about me allowing these things.

Internal belonging is a sense of inner peace.

This is something I find though that probably links in with a little of what you talk about. For me it is a place of neutrality. There is no striving there. No striving for independence (my default) and no looking for anything. It is peaceful.

I am wondering if this isn't available to Hashi because of her profound sense of being caught between the past terrible death and a world she rejects. That it is necessary for her to look to find reasons to stay connected to others and the world. She can correct me.

 

[Hashi]

I also seem to be the only one that has a problem with the whole thing as a concept

I find the word itself problematic. For me that is. It denotes a sense of the loss of autonomy or independence and I think I associate that with my family life. I am fiercely independent in some respects and part of that is a need to evade control. Belonging feels internally like there would be a loss of my freedom. I think this is the main area where very negative resistant feelings are coming up when I read it.

Actually, I'm surprised more people haven't said something along the lines that you have. Maybe people responding here are something of a self-selecting group who see belonging as a positive thing even if they have trouble reaching it?

In fact, I'm surprised I don't say this myself. I think that's partly because I so strongly felt I didn't belong as a child. Belonging is something of my own, something I choose and am in charge of. However, I can understand what you say. I relate to it in the way I feel about "family" for sure. I just happen to have that separated out from ideas about belonging.

no looking for anything. It is peaceful. I am wondering if this isn't available to Hashi

Not without some serious enlightenment! Without that, giving up struggling with the world would be more like giving up altogether. Something I think people might tend to assume is that I feel anger towards people when I feel anger towards life itself. Which complicates the idea of inner peace.

 

[Abstract]

That makes sense to me. For me I did belong to an extended family in a very negative and claustrophobic way. I felt separate but still fell under their umbrella. You never had belonging.

giving up struggling with the world would be more like giving up altogether

I realised that and it made me a little sad. I do believe you can find a way past it though.