Where Does The Younger Part/version Of Me Go If I "recover"?

[Chava]

My bad meltdowns all seem to involve feelings of extreme powerlessness and immobility. I can't even feel any soothing from hugging a pet or stuffed animal because it doesn't feel like my arms work. I have enough awareness in most cases to know I could force myself do something like this, but it wouldn't help, feel good, or even feel like "me" in that moment. But I am finding things to pull myself out a better, like sounds or music...creating a sort of soundscape that I connect to and can pull out of being shutdown. My therapist said I'm asserting that I am okay now...that I am ME now, and not that little person from back then.

But what will happen to that little person? How is she integrated into "me"? Does she die? I feel like it's so integrated already that taking this little part of myself out might be like cutting off a limb, if that makes any sense. Who will take care of her? What happens?

Obviously these aren't completely logical questions, but this is how stuck I am. Do any of you have positive experiences with trauma recovery and integrating younger parts of yourself that are stuck in trauma experience? Do they become a less scared part of you or do they disappear? Do you just feel like "you"? Does it become a real part of your past but doesn't affect how you function and feel so much now? In a mostly unconscious way, I think I'm worried about this little part of myself disappearing somehow in the wrong way.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it depends on who you ask....(I'm not trying to be a smart arse or anything here.)

I have spoken to people who attempt to get their inner child to grow up so that in essence they are no longer there.

On the other hand, the therapy I've gone through doesn't attempt to get the inner child to grow up, rather its aim was to make her feel safe so that she can be the fun loving innocent part of me, and not the scared and emotionally reactive part that comes out and tries to run the show.

I ALWAYS take care of "little me" and I suspect that's what everyone does? Maybe I'm wrong here. I think that maybe you believe that because the terrified little you won't be around that she is gone forever, but that isn't true. Rather, you will take away her fears, protect her, let her know that you will defend her, and then she will feel free to be the child she has always wanted to be.

That means that you will be the adult who is in control, but you will also have the freedom to still have that carefree, fun-loving, innocent side of yourself. Rather now it will come out in good times rather than in bad times.

(You don't mention if you have DID or if you're talking about parts in a universal sense, so if you're DID then maybe my thoughts aren't exactly spot on as I don't have DID.)

 

[WildMermaid]

@Chava I'm not the best person to respond I realize. Sorries. :( My little person once awoken has been with me since. She is me and I am her and mostly everything works out, and I'm very glad she survived. :hug:

 

[Intrepid]

I have relieved my little ones of duty. They go into retirement. They were never meant to do the job they were forced to do anyway.

I take them on car rides, go for walks with them, and let them be the little ones they should have been allowed to be in the first place.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Intrepid I like that...retirement. :) Mine is too hyper vigilant to allow that, but for me that is okay as I honor and care for that little girl self, so she does not have to feel constant fear anymore. I still like the way you've handled it though. :)

 

[Born to Run]

Did you read the book mentioned in this post: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/good...n-treatment-for-dissociative-disorders.52683/
I have not read it, but it is about the fragmented child parts that we split off during trauma and how to reintegrate them during therapy. I have integrated dozens of these fragmented parts and they just become part of you. This has nothing to do with DID, or it does in a sliding scale. DID/MPD have parts that are separated to such an extent that they lead to multiple personalities. If you are somewhere else on the DID scale, which complex ptsd people all are, you also split off the traumatic parts, but it does not lead to a multiple personality. I have often felt in therapy how close it can feel to MPD as parts that split off can feel to live such a life of their own that you can not influence them much. However, we are still one personality.
If you go through a traumatised child state/part, and you feel the pain that is encapsulated into that part and complete it, then it will automatically reintegrate. In reality it means you no longer have a certain part in you that sabotages certain behaviour, as the pain is processed, and as a whole system you can move forward. This goes fragment by fragment until you are no longer kept hostage by one of them.

 

[Powder]

Chava,

I'm not even to that point, and don't see recovery as even an option in the sense that once awakened, all my child parts seem even more powerful and able to get my attention.

I'm not sure that they can "go away" at all. In fact it feels like "we can run but we can't hide" from them, if that makes any sense. It's all permanently part of the inner landscape, even though I was able to not focus on that part for a while, now I'm sort of dealing with it, it really pops up and, sometimes, that's all I see and can't see beyond it.

I don't have answers, and only hope that somehow I can find a way to coexist more or less peacefully and that's all. I just don't know how I was able to dissociate this for three decades and keep my main personality so in the dark. It's very scary to me, as I remember more and more, that it made me vulnerable to re-victimization being so dissociated; how do I know anything? How do I know I'm safe now? You know? It's pretty confusing.

But I try very hard to honor everything I've been through and to place value on every part of me with a certain respect for her survival. Rather than say "Hey, the stuff you carry and remind me of is terrible, so BE GONE with you!" is no longer an option for me, consciously, but unconsciously, I think that is very much a program running at all times on a loop. So it is one day and one step at a time kind of living.

I don't worry about my inner children going away or integrating. I worry about them taking up too much real estate and not letting me get on with my life.

 

[Chava]

maybe you believe that because the terrified little you won't be around that she is gone forever

Yes, something like that.

That means that you will be the adult who is in control, but you will also have the freedom to still have that carefree, fun-loving, innocent side of yourself. Rather now it will come out in good times rather than in bad times.

This strikes me because it is really backwards what I have going on....under stress, or in bad times, the powerless version shows up, which is totally useless! My adult version functions really well in other areas, but not direct stress, like bodily stress. If I could reverse this somewhat, like an adult that can manage my stressors and a childlike part of my self that is good things like curiosity and joy. Sometimes I've had little doses of that...just balance gets far off under stress. I also stop internalizing any good feelings, which adds to feeling stuck. No, I don't have DID.

@Intrepid and @WildMermaid ....some lovely ideas, thanks...I'm not able to really imagine this younger self as a separate sort of self that likes to do certain things or can be relieved of duty. We're too stuck together (I'm afraid), but I do sometimes notice that I'm inspired by a very young version of myself when having the most fun with artwork. Lively, colorful, can't hold me down scratches and scribbles...

I have often felt in therapy how close it can feel to MPD as parts that split off can feel to live such a life of their own that you can not influence them much

That's how I sometimes feel...very stuck...not able to be helped or access any sort of positive resource. I'm mostly aware of it but can't easily do something helpful or resourceful because it's almost painful. Too jarring.

If you go through a traumatised child state/part, and you feel the pain that is encapsulated into that part and complete it, then it will automatically reintegrate.

Interesting. I hope so. Sometimes I feel like I'm down-integrating. I think I'm just being very protective and/or also letting these feelings be known....so it's creepy because I feel like I'm becoming this regressed self, but I've been acting from this place for decades.

it made me vulnerable to re-victimization being so dissociated; how do I know anything? How do I know I'm safe now? You know? It's pretty confusing.

That makes sense to me. I feel confused too...about my bubble, boundaries that went from nothing to fiercely isolative, thinking I knew myself but I was operating always from some space just outside my body and sensing almost nothing internally...

I don't worry about my inner children going away or integrating.

I think for me the "going away" is part of the stuck version...I don't know if I survived or if that kid died, and if she disappears completely, what does that mean? One of those things that feels like re-trauma if not resolved nicely I suppose...like she's here and yelling at me from the inside. I don't usually know what to do since it's so impossible to make it right. But if I could blot her out and be done, I leave her forever stuck, or dead and probably continue self-destruction since I can't just separate it all.

 

[shell]

I aways thought the younger part will always be there, supported and cared for they become the part of you that is like most other peoples inner child intergrated and not running the show, but enables you to be more spontaneous, playful and able to be less restrained and not so serious and adult like when it's suitable.

 

[Go Hungry]

I don't think they 'die' in any sense.. At least mine certainly haven't.. They are still there (thank goodness!) and still have their place in things. They helped me survive things that would have killed me. I love them all in a way, even Kid (though he certainly doesn't believe it) Even Fiend, though he plagues me sometimes. They have positive qualities too. For one thing they are incredibly tough people. That is universal among them. But the one thing is that they don't have nearly as much influence as they used to, for which I believe they are thankful. They need rest. They've been through so much that virtually all of them just want to take it easy. Kid wants oblivion, so he takes solace in sleep. Fiend wants.. well, he wants sex, so I provide that as I'm able. Helios.. well, he just spends most of his time basking in the glory of the cosmos. None of these guys is particularly interested in going to work, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. That's what I do.

The big difference for me now, is that I'm building the real me up. Doing things for him. Honestly I sometimes worry if I'm not actually just building another persona who is actually good at handling life and stays up most of the time. But I really don't think so. I think I'm just becoming the person I was always meant to be, but was held back from achieving by my symptoms. It certainly feels good to believe that.

 

[Born to Run]

I don't worry about my inner children going away or integrating. I worry about them taking up too much real estate and not letting me get on with my life.

Your sentence seems like a contradiction in itself, as what you do worry about is caused by what you don't worry about. Once they integrate you will be able to get on with your life.
It is not so much the point that they go away and tell them to go, that would be very wrong. It is as you say to first acknowledge and appreciate how much they have done for you to survive, BUT then kindly make it known that they are living in the past and sabotaging your life today. As I mentioned above the integrating part is not a cognitive effort, but an emotional processing of the pain that part has been carrying for you for decades. As this pain was way too much for the child to cope with; this kind of processing was/is only possible for me with my therapist present.

it's creepy because I feel like I'm becoming this regressed self

Totally agree with you, it is darn creepy, but to integrate you indeed first down-integrate as you say and become this regressed self. Once you can start feeling what this regressed part feels or contains, that is the point where you can start to process and move out of it.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @shell for the lovely images. Sometimes I can have this bit of compassion towards this younger self. I assume that's part of good integration, but also the stress of not knowing if I'm going through it in the right ways or getting too lost sometimes.

I think I'm just becoming the person I was always meant to be, but was held back from achieving by my symptoms. It certainly feels good to believe that.

That sounds pretty great...I sometimes can have positive thoughts like this too, or at least believe this is a process and not me being seriously and forever stuck.

Totally agree with you, it is darn creepy, but to integrate you indeed first down-integrate as you say and become this regressed self. Once you can start feeling what this regressed part feels or contains, that is the point where you can start to process and move out of it.

This makes sense. I think I was freaking out some when insurance changed and I was suddenly down to a few therapy sessions I knew I could afford...these younger stories were becoming more clear but completely muddy and unresolved. I was really afraid of feeling left in this sort of cut open, re-wounded place where I could start to feel these feelings but see no way out on my own because it's so gnarly.

Well, I do have an extension on the insurance, which helps a lot. I don't know exactly what the process will look like from here, but before the stress of insurance and wondering how to just quit the right way, I was feeling more compelled to physically work through this...like instead of being stuck and frozen and immobilized, I imagined being able to move out into the room (this can take me an hour to do it the right way because it's bizarrely scary). Also, being able to feel a helpful connection between me and my therapist without one of us becoming unreal. I sense it will be more about somatically being in that place and moving out safely....feeling a different, more empowered body experience from that place. ???

I don't know what that does to this stuck image/feeling of this very young self. But in reality, she did make it through. This is just a frozen place that doesn't seem to believe it...it's almost like the same powerless self simply reappeared after being assaulted in my 20s. I couldn't do anything, tell anyone or manage the feelings...just tried to kill myself. The primary trauma is really young.

I don't totally shun the experience of this younger me, which I think helps me stay patient and curious....versus paradoxically swamped and caught in some level of it all the time. My adult self is overly logical and trained to do things certain ways....but if I can pay attention to the frozen experience on a really basic level, I realize the needs are extremely basic....pulse, rhythm, vibration, warmth...anything representing life. Small arm movements. Human connection too, but that's too scary still. So is trying to mobilize my way out of some of it...the really stuck stuff is not fight-flight energy (likely first year of life). A bit of hiding, self protection, and I just have to unfreeze and know I'm okay...feel a safe connection to the world though those simple things like rhythm and sound.