Poll Who Do You Let Close?

[ericaboo]

Who do you let into your life? Do you isolate from certain people, everyone, or not at all?

Feel free to elaborate and comment!

-Ericaboo

 

[Lionheart]

I allow certain family members, forum friends, my partner (when I have one) and my therapist to get close to me. Supportive friends and family deserve to know the real me, as does my partner and at least one good therapist, (if they gain my trust).

The thing is, if no one knows the real me, then no one can love the real me, so I will allow certain people to get close to me. Having said that, I must add that no one gets "all" of me. I suppose this is a protective mechanism that I developed over the years as I keep some of the most intimate things to myself.

It is not that I have a lot of secrets because I don't, I'm just careful about who knows what about me, when and why they know it. I know that not everyone will hurt me, but I do not want to give away all of myself just in case they do. I hope I am making sense.

 

[rainy_daze]

I was wondering if we all have different definitions of being close with someone.

I have told my T things I haven't fully discussed with my partner, but I wouldn't say I am letting her close. Being close for me is about feeling completely comfortable and caring about someone, and therapy is not something I find comfortable at this stage. I also don't care a lot about her, which I realise now. Being close for me is about allowing myself to trust another person in my day to day life, as opposed to a helping professional, who I trust to aid me in recovery.

If I find people I can be myself around, that is great. I find I have varying levels of trust for different people, which allows me to be close to people in different ways. I might trust one friend to listen when I'm having a bad day and know that there is no judgement there, but know that there is another friend who doesn't really go to that kind of place with me, which is fine. I'm still close to both of them.

I'm close with my partner, a few family members and some friends, but this doesn't mean I'm divulging every detail of my insides, it simply means I care about them enough to not hide how I feel sometimes. I'm close to them in the sense that I care deeply about them and I'm not afraid to say "things aren't easy for me right now". That is close, I think. I can tell my partner sometimes if I'm having a bad day, but I don't go into details too often.

I do isolate myself a lot, particularly from friends, and I often feel this is an important thing to do when I'm not coping completely as I think need to shut down from the world. Sometimes I avoid being outside but still try to maintain contact with friends via text, so they know I haven't completely disappeared. I'm getting better at forcing myself to go out though. This is the stage I'm at right now.

I find meeting strangers really difficult, but something to work on I reckon. I don't think being close with strangers would be a good boundary for me though.

Good poll, ericaboo.

 

[Raj]

I can only trust my "life story" in full detail with my spouse who was also the victim of a very rough childhood. As for friends and family they seem to prey on me and I seem to set myself up for it. Isolation and surrender are almost as comforting to me as self harm is distracting. Animals I trust, at this point people not so much!

 

[therapybankrupt]

I have serious trust issues and only allow a few family members and friends in. I share most my stuff with the therapist. I do not think people care to listen and if you only have a few people they eventually burn out if you share to much.

 

[Bosco2153]

I try to accept and express love and affection to my spouse, sisters, children and grandchildren....but it feels forced because I'm not really 'me' now, whoever that is. I have to make an effort to convey affection and I usually cry and find myself being apologetic and saying I'm sorry for being such a 'case' etc. It really is best (for me at least) to avoid situations like this. I prefer to just be invisible. I don't like dragging others through my illness.

 

[maddog]

For me it's absolutely only my therapist and my forum friends - not sure if you all count as established friends, new friends or strangers!!

I do think it's important to note that closeness can mean many different things to many different people, as outlined above. The person you share the most life story detail with may not be the person you would call in a crisis. The person you enjoy spending most time with may not be the person whose shoulder you would willingly cry on, or who you would allow to cry on yours.

Relationships all bring something different - I suppose that's, in theory, what's so good about them, and why no one person can ever give us everything we need, as much as we may wish they could.

For the purpose of this discussion, I think that for me "closeness" just means the person I feel most emotionally connected with. That leads to the greatest degree of trust, honesty, emotional expression and concern for that other person in return. Closeness is a heart state, not a head state, which is probably why I have so much trouble acknowledging it!

Maddog

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't let anyone close to me. I have some great friends, but I don't share my deepest worries or burdens.

My closer friends and family know my history/ about my PTSD, but I still keep them all at arms length when it comes to my deepest emotions.

I don't feel emotionally connected to anyone completely, far from it.

 

[just me here]

This is the most recent subject my T wants to dive into, the whole trust thing.

I see it as a problem of expectations. I will always try to trust someone new in my life, but I will also throw away anyone that betrays my trust, over any and everything. I go through life thinking everyone I meet is going to be self serving and they don't let me down. I expect false friendship and I see it every time. I know that I am being lied to, it isn't a surprise when the truth comes out.

It's like going to a circus and watching a magician saw a woman in half. If you want to believe that the woman really was sawn in half, go ahead. I believe I went to a circus and saw a man that wanted me to believe that he had sawn a woman in half. I saw a great illusion, I saw what was really happening. I never believed that the saw was real or that the box was real or that the woman had been harmed in any way. I watched a guy do his job and that's all.

I get up every day and know I will be seeing people I can't trust, people that will lie to me and act selfishly or commit traffic crimes that endanger me, I know it is going to happen and create no illusion that it won't. I live in the real world.

So who do I let get close? Everyone, until the illusion is revealed and then no one gets any closer, ever. I haven't built a wall, I don't live in a bubble, but I will be damned if I will tolerate even the smallest breach of trust. The littlest sign is all the warning you will get before the big problems come along. So who do I let get close? No one. Just me (here).

 

[aka]

I couldn't decide which to comment on so I did them all. ;)

Family = I let some of them close any others I avoid like a plague.
Established friends = Don't have any so not applicable.
New Friends = Nope, this is probable why my acquaintance never become friends since I avoid talking about myself.
Spouse/partner = Don't have a partner but would like to have one at some point.
Therapist = Sort of, I mean I do tell her things I won't tell my family but I don't feel any connection of closeness because of it.
Everyone = Hell no!!!!
Nobody = This one is probable the most accurate since I have never trusted anyone enough to tell my innermost thoughts.
Other = Do pets count? I find I can connect with my pets better than other humans. I think its because they are much less complicated.

 

[aka]

Oops forgot about the strangers opinion so lets just put it into the never category. :roflmao:

 

[ericaboo]

I should have put pets into the poll!!!