Nyssa
Silver Member
Who do I tell (my story)? When do I do it? How? And why -- to what purpose?
For years, these questions were at the core of every single relationship I had. Friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc.
When I came to aknowledge what had happened to me, not telling people felt like being a fraud. My past traumas were at the center of my life. I defined myself as a victim trying to survive her past. I was in constant pain. All I felt like doing was rolling on the floor cyring. And all I felt like talking about was my past and my pain, incest, rape, traumas and the darkness of humanity. So interacting with people without having said a word about it made my feel like a complete fraud. And yet, I had only told a few friends, I felt too ashamed to tell other people.
As I got better, I became able to have "light" interactions without calling myself an impostor. Still, I wouldn't feel I was being myself until I had told the person about my past. I had no problem with that as long as the relationship remained on the surface. It was just playing the social game. But once I would get a little bit closer, or wanted to know the person better, not telling about my past was like hiding/lying. Soon, I would get obsessed with the issue, and it would block the interaction. So I started to tell people whenever I wanted to get closer to them. Not that I wanted to talk about it so much, I just felt the need to inform them.
A few months ago, I realized I could now have friends who had no knowledge of my past. Not close friends, but good buddies I spend quite some time with, colleagues I appreciate and socialize with outside of work. I can feel myself without telling them my story. This is quite huge for me.
I still tell people when I get more intimate with them. But there is no rush, no feeling of being a lier for not telling. It just comes when it feels right.
Also, there are these tricky questions people sometimes ask. You know, these ordinary questions whose answers involve your trauma(s). For me, it would be : Do you have any brothers or sisters? Are your parents still alive? Do you see them often? etc.
I used to freak out whenever I was asked one of these questions. I just didn't know what to answer. The truth was too painfull to be brought up like that. And lying about my traumas made me feel very bad. So I learned to avoid those questions. And I became rather good at eluding. Now I find it annoying. It tends to create an aura of mystery I dislike, and it makes me flee too many conversations.
Recently, I realized I had no reason to be scared by these questions anymore. Sure, they bring up part of my traumatic past, but I can say how little I want about it. Sometimes, I can manage to mention it from afar. If I remain carefull enough, I won't get drowned in pain, dissociate or get stuck in a dark place. Sometimes, I can't do that. It depends on my mood, the context, etc. If I don't want to talk about it, or can't do it, I can just say so. There's nothing to be freaked out about that. And mentionning part of my trauma(s) doesn't necessarily have to be an intimate conversation. Sometimes, it is just a matter of not hiding the truth. Not hiding certain facts is very different from discussing how I feel about them.
On the other hand, I talk less and less about how I feel about my past, even with close friends. It is harder and harder. And more often than not, I find it pointless.
How about you? How do you feel on the telling/not telling issue?
For years, these questions were at the core of every single relationship I had. Friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc.
When I came to aknowledge what had happened to me, not telling people felt like being a fraud. My past traumas were at the center of my life. I defined myself as a victim trying to survive her past. I was in constant pain. All I felt like doing was rolling on the floor cyring. And all I felt like talking about was my past and my pain, incest, rape, traumas and the darkness of humanity. So interacting with people without having said a word about it made my feel like a complete fraud. And yet, I had only told a few friends, I felt too ashamed to tell other people.
As I got better, I became able to have "light" interactions without calling myself an impostor. Still, I wouldn't feel I was being myself until I had told the person about my past. I had no problem with that as long as the relationship remained on the surface. It was just playing the social game. But once I would get a little bit closer, or wanted to know the person better, not telling about my past was like hiding/lying. Soon, I would get obsessed with the issue, and it would block the interaction. So I started to tell people whenever I wanted to get closer to them. Not that I wanted to talk about it so much, I just felt the need to inform them.
A few months ago, I realized I could now have friends who had no knowledge of my past. Not close friends, but good buddies I spend quite some time with, colleagues I appreciate and socialize with outside of work. I can feel myself without telling them my story. This is quite huge for me.
I still tell people when I get more intimate with them. But there is no rush, no feeling of being a lier for not telling. It just comes when it feels right.
Also, there are these tricky questions people sometimes ask. You know, these ordinary questions whose answers involve your trauma(s). For me, it would be : Do you have any brothers or sisters? Are your parents still alive? Do you see them often? etc.
I used to freak out whenever I was asked one of these questions. I just didn't know what to answer. The truth was too painfull to be brought up like that. And lying about my traumas made me feel very bad. So I learned to avoid those questions. And I became rather good at eluding. Now I find it annoying. It tends to create an aura of mystery I dislike, and it makes me flee too many conversations.
Recently, I realized I had no reason to be scared by these questions anymore. Sure, they bring up part of my traumatic past, but I can say how little I want about it. Sometimes, I can manage to mention it from afar. If I remain carefull enough, I won't get drowned in pain, dissociate or get stuck in a dark place. Sometimes, I can't do that. It depends on my mood, the context, etc. If I don't want to talk about it, or can't do it, I can just say so. There's nothing to be freaked out about that. And mentionning part of my trauma(s) doesn't necessarily have to be an intimate conversation. Sometimes, it is just a matter of not hiding the truth. Not hiding certain facts is very different from discussing how I feel about them.
On the other hand, I talk less and less about how I feel about my past, even with close friends. It is harder and harder. And more often than not, I find it pointless.
How about you? How do you feel on the telling/not telling issue?
