Thank you all for sharing...very validating. When I was younger and slicing myself up frequently I remember a therapist asking about when I was very young and I sort of said "meh"... :meh: ...why would it matter? I'm just a f*ck up.
I never recognised until recently how much impact that very early part of my life had on me.
It's sort of depressing but also feels hopeful to make these kinds of connections. Glad you are able to do some of that
@jaccat . Some early childhood trauma people call the impact "global" because it affects so many body systems and areas of our lives (relationships, eating, sleeping...everything that should be somewhat basic)
The first time my Mother held me was Christmas Day for a couple of minutes. I never thought anything of this but my psychologist says it has huge impacts on babies.
That is huge and sad to think of...but I know it's hard to grasp that it matters because the memories aren't there or they aren't like normal memories. The lack of cognition...assigning mental judgment to the experience at the time, etc. I do plan to talk with my therapist about the defaults or very early things that are probably so deeply glued to who I am...trying to figure out what I accept and work around and what I keep working on changing.
My mother proudly admitted she did drugs when pregnant with me. She believed LSD would create a more intelligent child. WTF!?
:(
I go in to shear panic when it comes to having to depend on others to get my needs met
Me too. Total dread. So it feels impossible, like I'll die either way (when I'm in my meltdown space).
In a way I am a hoarder. Just on specific things like food, medical supplies and personal hygiene items.
I've always needed lots of survival kits and gadgets, even in elementary school, just hanging out on the playground. :alien:
I binge eat and the young child part of me tells my therapist that she likes to eat lots because being fat means you're not attractive and noone will want to look at you sexually.
Early trauma, I think, is so terrible because your brain is not yet developed and so it causes that development to change in response to it
I don't have DID but definitely young parts and they do feel very stuck...like I will die with them but die harder without them ("them" maybe meaning defenses, but the body memories and emotions hijack most of me sometimes, if that makes any sense)
I have a lot of issues. All over the place.
That would be like the "globalized" activation I was reading about and relate to...whole system is banged up or off track. Long gentle process of pulling all the pieces into some balance without throwing other parts way off.
There is an ongoing battle in me between wanting to be dead and feeling like I have to fight for my life, yet don't deserve to live.
You're speaking my language
@sun seeker
Today, I wish my mother had aborted me and never understood why she didn't.
Feeling unloved and self-hatred are really hard...I hope you are working on some of these messages, but I know the feelings are really deep with some of this stuff.
But i feel that my body(and mind) are permanently damaged. I'm in a constant state of hyperarrousal, shut down my feelings, and feel a dread towards living, feel disconnected from my body, don't feel i have a clear identity,....
I hope therapy will help!
I relate to all of that. It feels really impossible sometimes. I do feel like therapy is helpful (so far the intensity of some of this is less, even if all can't be perfectly "fixed)...hope it helps you too...
I went rigid when I got picked up and stayed that way for a little while.
Holding and touch quickly soothes healthy attached babies. I relate to this response though. Sometimes light touch is like being tossed in a fire.
Not sure any of this makes any sense at all.
Yes it does. I feel very confused about all of this early stuff and also partly wanting connection but feeling like self destruction would actually be easier and safer. :blackeye: I'm happy for sticking with therapy even after "quitting"...part of me knows that sticking with this connection matters, through any dread or apprehension or feeling of unreality.
