Why being ignored makes me HYSTERICAL!

[No More]

A pattern of ignoring others, particularly friends or loved ones, is a red flag. (Isolated incidences are different.)

Yeah, if there’s a pervasive pattern of someone ignoring you then I would say that persons not a friend, and that kind of tells you they’ve checked out of the relationship.

Ignoring someone as a punishment or soft ghosting are definitely different scenarios to someone who just isn’t a speedy responder.

 

[Sideways]

If a good friend of mine were to tell me they weren’t feeling well, two days in a row, personally, I’d give them a pass for not making the usual time for me. Because I’d be concerned about them, and I’d probably reach out a few more times to offer support.

For me, even if they were to brush it off as menstrual issues at first, if they usually keep their appointments with me, then I’d probably be concerned for them if they started doing that, even more so if they told me they were feeling unwell.

I know that I get dysregulated when I’m not well. My friends get the same latitude when they’re feeling lousy that I get. Straight up compassion.

 

[anthony]

In two occasions:

1- If I sense that a person whether it’s a friend or not, is not opening or responding to my texts for more than a day, I’ll conclude that they don’t want me, and is ignoring me on purpose.

2- Example: when me and my friend AGREE on having video call in the morning (distant friendship), and then I’m looking forward to our call and I force myself out of bed and I’m ready, I text her, no answer, then hours later she tells me she has her period and is not feeling well.. at this point I’m not upset, only disappointed, then comes tomorrow I text if she’s free to call? She says yes in an hour, after 1 hour I text she apologizes saying she has a phone call, then I tell her ok, do I wait for you? She says no I’m still not feeling well..

My question: What kind of trauma is this that makes me over sensitive in such silly situations?

It isn't trauma, its your symptoms from your existing trauma. If this is ongoing, then just a shitty friend OR you are smothering them with constant communication which is too much for them, and thus this result happens where they are lying to you about something being constantly ON in their life so they don't have to facetime / text with you in some long winded event.

OR...

They may just be too busy / have their own shit going on in their life to deal with supporting you too if that is what you call them for. There is a difference in talking to a friend and talking to someone you call a friend, but all you do is use them for your mental support. The latter is a therapist, and when people use friends as therapists, ongoing, it usually doesn't remain a friendship, ie. one starts distancing themselves from the unhealthy.

You can just ask for honest feedback from them. Are they avoiding you? Are you being too needy for your own mental health? So forth.

 

[Weemie]

So yes, I would say being irritated by not getting an immediate reply isn’t ‘stupid’ but it isn’t an appropriate reaction to the situation.

I agree with this but I also agree with @Rose White that friend in OP'S example is in the wrong because they made a plan to have a video call at an inconvenient time for the OP which was agreed upon and then wound up not doing it.

That being said I don't consider these things a big deal at all. The way I see it if someone wants to speak to me they will, and if they don't, they won't. And that's not my problem so I'm not going to get bent out of shape.

But if I made plans to VC with someone even as a chronic shitty texter and serial ghoster here, if I couldn't do it or didn't want to anymore I'd tell the person ASAP so they're not waiting around. OP's friend could have shot a quick "not feelin' it" first thing instead of hours later with no answer.

If it happened to me and I got up and there was no reply I would just send "ope you're not here so I'm going about my day!" and then forget about it. People responding or not responding to me doesn't matter to me at all. If they hate me and won't tell me about it that sounds like a them-problem.

If they're reneging on commitments constantly though, for a person who has normal emotions (aka not me) I can see where it would get frustrating. I know personally I am one of those people who is very inconsistent about texting because socializing is extremely difficult for me and I can only do it in certain ways, in certain terms, and it's often quite random when avolition and catatonia suddenly hit and I can't muster the energy to even blink.

The only thing I can do is be up front with potential friends that I may disappear because I have a disability that affects socialization and I need to prioritize my mental health. I don't hate anyone and I will re-engage eventually. The people I get along with best are people with whom I've had open ended DMs for years. Sometimes we have long ass conversations and sometimes we go a year without speaking.

 

[Friday]

ddendum: OP didn’t expect an immediate reply, they were just expecting their friend to do what they said, or at least give notice that they couldn’t talk. Leaving OP hanging and especially for the reasons they gave, was rude in my opinion. It’s not hard to give notice when I can’t hold up my side of an agreement, no matter how inconsequential the activity was—my friend’s emotions are held in high regard and I don’t want to cause them anxiety if I can help it.

But that would be a sort of normal life pet peeve… instead of trauma, PTSD, & Why being ignored makes me HYSTERICAL! IE Total overreaction, dysreg, & loss of self control… yes?

 

[Rose White]

sort of normal life pet peeve… instead of trauma, PTSD, & Why being ignored makes me HYSTERICAL! IE Total overreaction

Oh good point. Even if the friend was actually being a jerk (we can’t know), HYSTERICAL! would be an overreaction, dysregulation, etc.

 

[Sideways]

if I couldn't do it or didn't want to anymore I'd tell the person ASAP so they're not waiting around.

The only people in my life who get the “must not leave them hanging” attitude are my boss (because he can fire me) and my therapist (because he can hospitalise me).

Everyone else? If I’m mostly okay, or can’t for some reason, then I’d try and get them a message, but wouldn’t stress about it. If I’m not okay, then I expect them to cope, irrespective of whether I cancel in advance or simply don’t show. We’re adults, we all have significant life pressures and are juggling many balls at a time. My standard for good friends is that they can cope with their own emotions themselves, and while I try and be as kind as I can, I don’t try and manage their emotions for them, including anxiety.

And for my good friends? I expect that the first response is akin concern (for me) - like, the opposite of being outraged or hysterical at me. If I’ve told them I’m not okay, and had to reschedule already because I’m not okay, then I’d actually anticipate compassionate concern.

When people react with very significant emotional dysregulation for reasons like “you weren’t there for our scheduled catch up”, then actually I’d assume that was a them issue, possibly linked with something like low self esteem or a significant fear of abandonment. And I’d likely step back a bit, and let them sort their issues out!

 

[Weemie]

When people react with very significant emotional dysregulation for reasons like “you weren’t there for our scheduled catch up”, then actually I’d assume that was a them issue, possibly linked with something like low self esteem or a significant fear of abandonment.

I agree tbh. Im kind of iffy on whether that person was in the wrong Im ngl. For me my first thought was that if you make a commitment with someone you should either honor it or tell them you cant do it instead of just ghosting. Every once in a while is nbd (especially if it isnt anything serious) but I think all the time would send the message that you're flaky/unreliable.

For me, someone being like that isnt an issue, but for others it might be bothersome and I can see why if the expectation is being set and then not fulfilled

But either way, whenever people fling "omg you didnt [msg me back, ignored me, left me on read, yada yada]" at me, I immediately disengage even further lol. I once had a friend (an ex friend, obviously) who sent me like 6 paragraphs in a private message about how he went thru our DMs and counted the number of times he said "hi" first, and it was more than the number of times I said it, so this was evidence that I wasnt "invested in the friendship" and that he felt "like a clingy girlfriend" so for his mental health he had to block me.

This sounds like an exaggeration but this was literally verbatim what he said to me. I was like ok, bye!

These days having dealt with a lot of ppl who have personality disorders, attachment disorders, trauma, emotional dysreg etc I do my best to try and let people know what is going on and where they stand (mostly by being as up front as I can that I am not a reliable socializer, if I leave mid-conversation, if I cant do a scheduled activity etc) but this is something I view as a courtesy/an extra step, something I'm doing for their benefit that is above and beyond what they should actually realistically expect from me

(meaning that if I neglect to do it a few times I shouldnt be pummeled with someones hysteria/outrage over it). Since even if a person isnt very reliable socially, they're not really doing anything morally wrong (other than I guess wasting people's time? But I mean, all I was doing was watching The Devil's Plan and playin Medieval Dynasty so its not like my time is particularly valuable as the CEO of Nothin Doin over here LMFAO)

 

[EveHarrington]

Nevermind. This is not addressing what I was asking. But I appreciate the attempt.

So? Many times people ask one question because they don’t see the bigger picture. People get pissed at me all the time for addressing another issue. I honestly don’t care. I mean if the OP is asking how to fix a broken leg with a band aid, then yeah, someone else should point out the bigger issue.

You don’t want Rose’s advice because IMO it’s easier for you to face overreacting than it is to accept that your friend likely doesn’t give a shit about you. I mean you made an appointment to speak to them and they couldn’t even be kind enough to cancel. It was easier to ghost you because you don’t matter to them.

Feel free to ignore me, I don’t care. It’s up to you if you want to be treated like crap by your “friends”.

 

[GartaWitu]

In two occasions:

1-
If I sense that a person whether it’s a friend or not, is not opening or responding to my texts for more than a day, I’ll conclude that they don’t want me, and is ignoring me on purpose.

2-
Example: when me and my friend AGREE on having video call in the morning (distant friendship), and then I’m looking forward to our call and I force myself out of bed and I’m ready, I text her, no answer, then hours later she tells me she has her period and is not feeling well.. at this point I’m not upset, only disappointed, then comes tomorrow I text if she’s free to call? She says yes in an hour, after 1 hour I text she apologizes saying she has a phone call, then I tell her ok, do I wait for you? She says no I’m still not feeling well..

At this point I’m steaming, because she shouldn’t have told me to call after 1 hour if she’s still not well?!
I get hyped up over nothing, and at she’s not respecting my time.

I know I’m over reacting in being upset, but isn’t this what having a traumatic history is about?

My question:
What kind of trauma is this that makes me over sensitive in such silly situations?

Sorry for your pain. Here is how I think so maybe it will help to see a different way. If someone is a close friend and don't respond in a long time I wonder if something is wrong with them not if their opinion of me changed. Understanding normal life may have them caught up with something, but if it goes on too long and it isn't like them I might reach out again. Life happens. That said I have encountered some who use silence as a manipulative tactic, but you can figure out if it is the person or the timing based on experience.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:

You don’t want Rose’s advice because IMO it’s easier for you to face overreacting than it is to accept that your friend likely doesn’t give a shit about you. I mean you made an appointment to speak to them and they couldn’t even be kind enough to cancel. It was easier to ghost you because you don’t matter to them.

@EveHarrington - cut it out. @silverlinings1069 isn’t the OP, so let’s stay on topic.

 

[user27357]

I know I’m over reacting in being upset, but isn’t this what having a traumatic history is about?

yes, you know what you are doing and why. I get that way over similar stuff too, and I know I do it. For me it is the repeat of the problem that sends me up the scale, and after a few repeats, in my mind it is going to be my fault it happened at all and definitely my fault it happened again and again. thats the way this works for me.
We have to try to work on it because the alternative is to be continually affected by negative actions we perceive as slights against us. I wish you luck, it is a hard part of the diagnosis to get around, this idea that we are just one repeated negative away from disappointment and escalation of symptoms and thats the way it goes. Working on it.