Relationship Why Can't I Be In The Stress Cup?

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist tells me the reason we tend to "not hold it together" with our spouses or those closer to us is because they are safe. It's not fair and a bit backwards, but after holding it together for the public all day or whatever, we know it's safe to be ourselves at home and with those who care about us.

I dont know. Ive thought a lot about this. My dad & step mom live with me and its true that I only explode on them generally. I dont have full on blind rage explosions at work though im slipping again there.

Anyway, i dont truth either one, at all. I dont trust anyone fully but my therapist and i could never see exploding on him. Been mad at him but nothing like a blind rage explosions. So the only thing im left with is my dad & step mom just happen to be there, they do hit the most triggers and even if they didnt on purpose they probably still would cause im around them the most.

But i think part of it is they're family. They can see me at my worse. Because i didnt do this with my ex roommates so i dont know.

Ok, gotta think about it some more lol.

 

[Naoru]

I dont know. Ive thought a lot about this. My dad & step mom live with me and its true that...

Lol I feel you. I can't see myself ever reacting the way I normally do around my therapist. In fact if I did, I'd probably cycle into a very dark place of self-hatred. While she is "safe," she can refuse treatment and after all, I did ask her to help me. I have to get past shutting down or joking about everything with her before there's even a chance of a blind rage happening. ;)

For me personally, I'm not sure it's so much about safety and trust as it is knowing my spouse (who bears the brunt of my anger/irrational explosions) isn't going anywhere (and if that were to happen, part of me doesn't care anyway)... or maybe that is safety. Whereas, I probably would at least attempt to contain myself or work harder at some coping mechanism (or walk away) as much as I'm able around a roommate or boss because some part of me knows they have the choice to leave, misunderstand, fight back, fire me etc... but sometimes all of this flies out of the window and I'm not in control at all! IDK!

 

[Broken Dahlia]

This bugs me about my spouse, and I'm the sufferer. He can hold it together for everyone but me, people think he is so laid back. I'm not fooling anyone, though. My anxiety is equal opportunity.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

For me personally, I'm not sure it's so much about safety and trust as it is knowing my spouse (who bears the brunt of my anger/irrational explosions) isn't going anywhere (and if that were to happen, part of me doesn't care anyway)... or maybe that is safety.

I thought about that and they are the only 2 members that havent left so maybe there is some security in that (i dont have a spouce) but in reality my dad & step mom and anyone's spouce could be done with it all and pull the plug and leave. Whats the real security that they wont leave?

There is something there (saftey, security... something) that allows me to "let my hair down" around them where i cant with everyone one else. I dont know what that is as i lost a ton of trust with them recently and they technically can leave like everyone else so i dont know. Maybe its just that they havent after all of this. I dont know

Im sure it sucks for that person/people but it is a good thing as it means we love you, trust you, can be ourselves around you and dont hold that mask up which is heavy and hard to hold.

 

[anthony]

Why does the spillover stress always have to be me? Why can't the stress I cause be part of the allowable pile and maybe something else can spill over? I feel like I'm always the last priority, like I'm the stress you're never able to deal with.

It doesn't have to be this way. You have to think about it like this... all relationships have stress. This makes all partners, stressful, to some degree or another. Without PTSD, without the cup being near always full, if not always full already, partners have lots of room to be part of the cup with no chance of overflow.

With PTSD -- it really isn't personal, yet it may feel that way. PTSD and its symptoms consume the cup, along with trauma and anything else going on. There is likely no room for many things considered normal. It also depends on the person, their trauma healing place, their PTSD management place, and whether or not the person is having to fight for their life, mentally, at that given point because of just what PTSD is... so everything else becomes additional stress.

There is a reason why many with PTSD become single, and stay that way. Or they isolate themselves totally from society... because just being in society is stressful alone, let alone opening your mouth and listening to others.

The simple fact of it is... what else is in his cup and can be removed to make room for more of you?

 

[Buttercup]

It doesn't have to be this way. You have to think about it like this... all relationships have stress. This...

@anthony, I was reading your article, Understanding PTSD, and I closed my browser window by accident. I do have the PDF, but the online version spoke about how supporters can be assertive without being aggressive or passive aggressive. I really liked that and wanted to revisit that, but now I can't find the online version. Looks like it's been deleted. Is it no longer available to view?

Sorry, I know this thread is nearly one year old!

 

[anthony]

What is PTSD? What Does PTSD Mean? Post Traumatic Effect!

 

[Buttercup]

What is PTSD? What Does...

Ah...that's the one! Thank you!