Relationship Why Can't I Be In The Stress Cup?

[Sami - sadwife]

So I've been here a few days and already I've learned so much. But I have a question: why can't I, your wife, be in your stress cup?

Like I get the concept: there's a finite amount of stress a sufferer can handle and any spillover has negative consequences. But it gets me thinking: isn't there a stress priority list of some sort? Like can't I take priority over something else? Why does the spillover stress always have to be me? Why can't the stress I cause be part of the allowable pile and maybe something else can spill over? I feel like I'm always the last priority, like I'm the stress you're never able to deal with.

Am I off base to think this? Is it purely a temporal thing? If so, when does the clock reset? If the clock resets each morning, theoretically that should mean he still has some capacity in the morning to deal with the normal stresses of married life, but that doesn't end up being true. I am always the leftover. I am always the thing he can't handle. What gives?

 

[joeylittle]

I'm a sufferer and can only speak from that perspective. When I'm triaging my stress/life/etc - I tend to leave the people I trust the most to be patient with me as they become the last things for me to deal with. And it's so backwards, because the things I care about most should go first. But I am pretty confident they won't blow up in my face, so I let them wait and hope I can get to them soon.

Not an excuse - just, perspective.

 

[WaveRunner]

So I've been here a few days and already I've learned so much. But I have a question: why can't I, your wife, be in your stress cup?
?

I'm a sufferer and can only speak from that perspective. When I'm triaging my stress/life/etc - I tend to leave the people I trust the.

Great question AND great response! Wow...you two just made my day. I have often asked that question and that response makes a lot of sense! Take as old as time: EVERY woman wants to be in their man's stress cup - with or without PTSD.

 

[Sami - sadwife]

I'm a sufferer and can only speak from that perspective. When I'm triaging my stress/life/etc - I t...

Thanks joeylittle! That really is a helpful perspective. And possibly even an optimistic one. Sounds like you're saying your relationship is the thing that feels secure--dare I even say "safe"--to you. At least that could be something I could hold onto as a talisman.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think a big part boils down to proximity.

There is no magical reset time for the stress cup------no consistency from person to person, or even from event to event for the same person.

 

[Sighs]

@Sami - sadwife - Have you seen the military extension to the stress cup explanation? It explains how military training puts a blue button on the stress cup which can be pressed at any time resulting in an instant reaction - even if the cup is not full. (Please look at Anthony's explanation which is way better than mine.)

I also find that my vet will hold it together for the lady at the post office, the guy door knocking for the local politician and his hairdresser but then explode at me. I guess we all treat the people we love less well than strangers because we trust them enough to be ourselves.

 

[sun seeker]

The stress cup doesn't reset every morning. At least, mine doesn't!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Why does the spillover stress always have to be me?

Because you're there.

Am I off base to think this? Is it purely a temporal thing?

A bit.

why can't I, your wife, be in your stress cup?

That would make you stress as only stress is in the stress up. You arent stress, you can cause stress but you arent stress.

If the clock resets each morning,

My stress cup has been insanely spilling over like a waterfall for weeks now which started when i got the news that my mother, one of my main abusers, is dying. So the stress cup doesnt "reset". It isnt as full the less stress one has.

 

[Sighs]

My vet can wake up more stressed if he just had a night full of nightmares / flashbacks. Also his bad back, hip, knee, ankle (what can I tell you - the human body is not designed for paratrooping) hurt more in the mornings especially in winter. Sigh!

 

[Naoru]

Similar to what joey said .... My therapist tells me the reason we tend to "not hold it together" with our spouses or those closer to us is because they are safe. It's not fair and a bit backwards, but after holding it together for the public all day or whatever, we know it's safe to be ourselves at home and with those who care about us. Those closest to us tend to see us at our ugliest, when our stress cups spill over I guess. We know or hope they are patient and we can come back to them later when the storm passes. It's not an excuse and you should be a top priority. I also feel the same way as you with my spouse and I'm the one with PTSD.

 

[redsandy]

I am SO not alone anymore - it's really very sad to see repetitions of the same circumstances and unfair treatments/behaviours
BUT - knowing how much of this there is makes it that little bit easier to gain self respect and not to take it so personally
I hate his manner towards me, but I love my man - and hope and pray that the soldier robot gives him back to me
Be of good courage, hold fast
Much love
Red xx

 

[Sami - sadwife]

@Sami - sadwife - Have you seen the military extension to the stress cup explanation?...

Thanks, @Sighs . I did look at it a little, but the military training component does not apply for my husband. His PTSD derives from his time as a political activist in the middle of a revolution as well as his time working with Doctors Without Borders in an active war zone. No military training for him.