General Why Date Someone Who Is Ill?

[unbroken]

I spent some time with my girlfriend yesterday, and she said that I help her to relax. She also does the same for me, so we both enjoy our time together, no matter what we're doing. So last night she called and we talked about things and her recent bouts, and she said she didn't know why I wanted to be with her and all her problems, but she was glad that I stood by her and supported her. I told her that as I learn more about her and PTSD it helps me to understand her, and she told me that she is beginning to understand me as well, and can appreciate my own idiosyncrasies.

Her thought provoked me, though, to think about what my past relationships were like with women who didn't have PTSD. In the past, women I've dated have lied to me about where they were or who they were with, cheated on me, one of them stole money from me and yet another was very nice and loyal but it was obvious that she couldn't be alone as she wanted to go everywhere with me, giving me no time to myself. Another was such a control freak that I felt like I was losing my identity. All of these things were done to me, and some of them offended me.

My current girlfriend has PTSD, and that's because of things that were done to her. She's loyal to me, she loves me, she wants to be with me and we're both looking forward to a future together...we've always wanted what we have found in each other. I trust her fully and I know she's not a cheater, so I don't have the insecurities I've had with other women I've dated. She's not hung up on money or material possessions, and quite often when we go out she offers to pay...something I rarely saw with other so-called "normal" women that I've dated.

I fell in love with her for who she is on the inside, and for how she makes me feel about myself. So she has PTSD ... I'll take that over controlling, lying, cheating and stealing anyday. :)

 

[becvan]

You know... I can see why she values you so much. Your just a sweet heart!

Just had to say that. :)

bec

 

[unbroken]

aww...thank you Bec. I know that I do have my moments where I'm less than a sweetheart, but I really do care about her so I try. She thrills me....definitely!

 

[Tammy]

This si a very interesting thread indeed! I have just sat here and really thought about why I did start dating Alex...
I found Alex had PTSD about 3 weeks before we got together, and I had no idea what that meant and I didn't really care. I fell for Alex because we both loved to laugh. I was going through a hard time being pregnant and just about to leave a relationship with my baby's dad, and Alex helped me so much during that time. Also, I was still grieving for my Nana and Alex was the only person I felt comfortable enough around to talk about it and cry about it. Alex and I connected on such a level that it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing or who we were with, it seemed it was just us.
Alex was so much fun when we first met. We used to go the pub and play pool for hours, and he introduced me to other people my age who were expecting babies, or had babies, some single Mums some not.
We had only been together for a few months when Alex had to go to the PTSD course and they invited me to come along. That's when I learned a lot more about PTSD and the nightmare it was. Speaking to other partners I thought I was mad for being with him because their stories terrified me! I was actually ready to walk away from the whole lot. But then I realised that every relationship had bad parts and if these couples could stay together through it all that Alex and I could make it work...
After Jackson was born I suffered from Post Natal Depression, and it was Alex who noticed the warning signs and told me I needed help- of course I didnt listen at the time; but eventually after he told my Mum his concerns, I sought the help I needed. I believe that had it not been for Alex I would have never have gotten the help I needed and in all honesty would probably be dead right now.
Alex has helped me just as much as I have helped him. We are always there for each other and we respect each others alone time when we need it, and when we are together and te boys are both asleep it is almost like we are the only two in the world again. I know it sounds really sappy, but I owe a lot more to Alex than he does to me. And most days, he is still that same person I fell in love with knowing he had PTSD- we deal with the bad days together; and it is weird actually, with me still having depression and Alex's PTSD, we never have a bad day at the same time! It really is like we equal each other out.

 

[Tinyflame]

unbroken - You give me hope that it is "humanly" possible for someone to seperate ptsd from the person, and vice versa. Thank you.

From the posts it makes me realize that often I have been the one in relationships (bad and good) to "label" myself (even if I didn't know what the label was)- I decided to do the other person a favor and protect them from me and leave. I see now they wouldn't have been so confused and hurt if they had not seen other qualities than ptsd (or they would have been glad to just get rid of me). It just wasn't something that crossed my mind as possible because of how I saw/see myself until I read these posts.
Hope that makes sense!

I agree, too - I think without genuine caring there's not much to any relationship -I think that's "normal" and healthy.

Thanks everyone, for your insights.
:rolleyes:

 

[uplate]

Also think that sometimes I person can "see" who that person is or could be apart from the PTSD. I don't think that if a relationship starts.. its a thing that comes up in the first conversation and how can anyone know who is suffering from PTSD from causal contact unless happens to see some sort of breakdown related to PTSD. When I person see's something inside another person that they like and are interested in.. finding out about something like PTSD might seem to be worth the try because they have seen that "real" person behind the PTSD first?

Just a thought anyway!

That's the idea I want to believe in most but I think there are a lot of reasons why people date each other. I've come across some good ones and some not so good ones. Some examples of some bad ones are guys who picked up on me being vulnerable and tried to take advantage of it, social climbers and guys who wanted to control me or disregarded my wishes (whether they thought they were well intentioned or not). I've had a few turn on me or bolt the minute things started to get a little rocky which was exactly when I needed them so now I don't tend to rely on people I don't know well enough to know how they will react.

I tend to cycle through good and bad periods so most of the time it's not noticeable, I haven't neglected learning new things because I enjoy doing that and it's not like I can't talk to people, contribute something or share common interests.

As for the pop psychology termonology I tend to ignore it, plain language and common sense please. I know some people might be offended or say I'm "in denial" amongst other things because I refuse to converse in those terms or be measured by them but frankly I cannot think of a better way to strip someone of their ability to act on their rights than by insisting they know someone better than they know themselves frustrating their ability to act on their better judgement, be heard or have their concerns taken seriously. To give you a background I was retraumatised by negligent carers of which there seem to be a lot around, reminders of it still trigger me. They were keen to put labels on me, treated and judged me according to those labels and simply would not accept it was the trauma that was bothering me which I had been telling them all along, to top it off they accused me of a variety of things when I became worse under their care, blamed me for my trauma and even went so far as to suggest I was the one who owed my perpetrators an oppology, it wasn't till I removed myself from their care and found someone familiar with my experiences that I got the PTSD diagnosis. In the meantime their hybris nearly cost me my life so please be very careful using or accepting labels.

 

[tardis]

It is ironic to read the original question, as it was asked by my girlfriend! Obviously she is dating now; she is dating ME and I feel very lucky. :) I understand her point though. It seems some who answered missed that she said untreated PTSD. I was not capable of any relationship when my PTSD was untreated. I couldn't maintain my platonic friendships or relationships with family members, let alone an intimate relationship. I was abusive for one, also I needed to spend much of my time in seclusion, couldn't tolerate the amount of time needed to invest in a relationship.

My girlfriend and I have a fantastic relationship but we both are working hard on ourselves; it is not one-sided. We respect each other's limitations. We both have PTSD which seems to be an aid to understanding, at least for us. Love conquers all is a fine sentiment but not realistic when one is dealing with PTSD. I love my girlfriend immensely but I could not imagine being with her when she or I was very ill. We would abuse or destroy one another. IMHO, unconditional love is for children, not partners who should be equals.

 

[Nicolette]

Ahhh Tardis. Now I can officially say congratulations on dating :wink:. Wishing you both much happiness.

Tardis you speak very wise words. While I agree some people missed the question I think for those of us who have fallen in love with a sufferer, and do not ourselves have PTSD, we don't really have an understanding of uncontrolled PTSD. To be totally honest I am sh*t scared of it and pray that nothing with ever happen to cause Anthony to have a relapse.

 

[millie]

hi i am new on here. This all sounds very relevant to me. I have been seeing an ex raf guy for six months plus. HE asked me out... HE did all the running... HE was amazing!! Then after about 3.5 months something odd happened... he vanished. another person came in. He is honestly and has agreed he is, Jekyl and Hyde 100%. He has just spent a week nursing me as i was sick... i had hardly got out of my sick bed than he wanted me out! Needed space! Turned... complete 360!! His face changes, his eyes change, his voice, his stature everything! He says he suffers PTSD and after nearly 6 months confessed that he choses to live on a daily basis... I told him today that i could not imagine accepting going out with HIM and thathe is nothing like the other HIM! It scares me! HE swept me off my feet??? WHY bother?? if his life is such a torment in his head WHY BOTHER!! I am SO angry, but i hate to sound pathetic and as batgirl said matyr like, but i am very fond of him. Not sure what to think?? I have suffered from depression in the past and have lost a lot over the years and he new all this...in fact that was what he first talked to me about... Now he is messing wiht my head in simple terms... PTSD or an excuse?? He is not some kid either... we are both in our 40's. Old enough to tell the truth if you ask me. Does anyone know of a Ex military site or anything that i could look on... i am not looking to "fix" him, i am looking for answers for myself. Fella offered me the world and then when he has these "spells" shuts the door on me! Answers would be nice! I cannot imagine wht he saw in active duty, it must be awful, and he says he has had help, but i get told no more.
Batgirl and Damiea you make a lot of sense.

 

[tardis]

It must be difficult for carers not having that personal experience of PTSD to relate to. It is a tremendous help in our relationship. We have no hard feelings when the other is ill. We seem to know instinctively when to push and when to bugger off. Strange to say but in this instance I am glad for PTSD. I hope Anthony has no relapse, for both your sakes. I do not know Anthony, however he helped my girlfriend heaps with his advice, and she is doing so well. She works hard. If Anthony is using the same advice on himself and working as hard I cannot imagine him having a relapse.

 

[Tinyflame]

I had a very long period of years where I had no relapse whatsoever. Partly it was my attitude, part of it was the support of people around me, definitely it was working my "butt" off to stay accountable for my reactions, over-reactions if necessary, and trying to be very considerate of the emotional impact my choices could have on others, especially when everything "told me" to fall back into old patterns of dealing with what I felt.
I believe it's very possible to get and remain at a good place, and really worth the perseverance.

Best wishes to all.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

I have read this thread a couple of times.. And decided to comment after thinking about it for a bit. When I first met my b/f he was absolutely amazing!! I didn't know that he had PTSD until a few weeks after we were dating. But at the time he was handling the PTSD really well. And then as the months have gone by I can tell a change in him. When we first got together he was happy all the time and now he walks around pissed off at the world on a daily basis. For one reason or another it's always something different. And now we are taking a couple month break from each other. But he did warn me that when we first got together that during the winter months is when he really goes into depression mode. And this month is the month that his best friend was killed from an IED. I am not sure why I stay with him though really hmm... But I really do love him. I guess that's why.