Justmehere
Sponsor
I am going through pretty intense medical treatment right now for a serious but not life threatening disease. I will likely fully recover from the disease, but the treatment is rough. I can’t drive to and from treatment. There is a state agency that provides free transportation though. They contract out the transportation to various cab companies and private transportation services that take me from my front door to the clinic an hour away. I have done this on an almost bi-weekly basis for a year.
In the beginning, I was easily triggered by the strange drivers showing up at my door. One of the traumas that I have survived as an adult involved being kidnapped in a car and later assaulted. I also survived trauma as child related to my father and cars. So when I started this treatment a year ago, I worked with the state agency and they found a company I feel comfortable with to come drive me to/from treatment. They found a great company, let’s call them Company A, to come. I never feel unsafe with Company A. They have a handful of employees, but they never did anything that surprised or scared me. The state agency has usually sent Company A, because they knew I was ok with them.
Two weeks ago, Company A could not make it. So they sent someone else. The state agency told me he was nice, and it should go well.
It was a guy who ran his own one-man transportation service. He showed up in his personal car. It was a nice car, but still weird. He had me sit in the front, and put my service dog in the back. When Company A comes, I usually sit in the backseat with my service dog at my feet, just like a cab ride. I complied though, not wanting to make a fuss.
The trip went ok. Something seemed off, but nothing raised any big red flags. He told me about how he had been a lawyer but started his own transportation company because he was tired of the courtroom. He told me he now runs this transportation company to help wounded vets and disabled people have a “classy” ride to and from treatment. (The vehicles he uses are all very nice "luxury" type vehicles.) He said he does private investigation and legal work on the side, but enjoys driving people around.
He told me how he teaches at a religious organization (a mosque) and they did a donation to give things to Catholic Charites in town. He is an older man, at least 20-30 years older than me. He said he had no kids. I never asked for any of this information, he just told me. We were just chit-chatting. He seemed like a decent person. I felt ok.
At the end of the hour long trip to the clinic and another hour long trip home, he said I was very pleasant client and he had a good time talking with me. Then it got weird. He told me it was the best time he had in awhile. He gave me his business card for his transportation company, his other private business, and wrote his personal numbers on the back. I thought it was weird, and kind of creepy, but I was too tired and sick to reject the card. My service dog seemed nervous then. I smiled and thanked him, and walked into my apartment.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my therapist in the morning. We talked about trauma related to my father in detail for the first time. Later in the day, when I had to go for this medical treatment again, this guy came. Not Company A.
Weird things happened.
He drove slow. The hour long trip took almost 90 minutes. We chit-chatted, but it got weird fast. He told me about all the qualifications he wanted in a wife. He then talked about the weather, but later asked me why I was not married. He offered me a job. He offered me gifts. He told me he wanted to take me out for coffee or tea, or for a “real dinner” someday. He is older, so I tried to rationalize it as maybe being just a weird old guy thing… All of it felt over the line, way over the line.
But I didn't say no.
Years ago, when I was a teenager, my father pushed me out of a car going 40 mph. I was sitting in the front seat, and my father angrily opened the door and pushed me out. He swerved off the road and it was an awful event. I saw a doctor afterwards, and they didn’t believe me when I said my father pushed me out of a moving car.
My therapist and I had JUST talked about that event that happened with my father, and the very same day, I was in the car with this guy, who was in the same generation as my father, offering me gifts, and I was so scared to say no. I didn’t want him to get angry. I didn’t want anyone to be mad at me and try to hurt me.
When I got to the clinic, I almost told the nurse and the doctor that my transportation driver was being creepy and offering me gifts, and that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell them. I was scared they would not believe me and they would tell the driver, and he would get mad and hurt me.
On the way home, he continued, offering me a trip to another state when I got better. He kept saying so many times how wonderful I was. I was so creeped out and yet sometimes, it almost felt good to hear someone say such nice things about me. I fully admit this. I kept thinking I should tell him no. Stop with all the talk and offers of trips and gifts. I kept telling him, “I will think about it.” He pushed me to get some food, and I finally broke down and let him buy me a burrito on the way home. I felt like I was in a trance.
He asked when my next doctor’s appointment’s were, and I lied. I told him the wrong day. He began to tell me of how he would take the full day off, just to be with me. I noticed his hands for the first time. He had tattoos on them. I don’t have anything against tat’s, but most former attorneys don’t have tattoos on their hands. He told me of protests about the Eric Gardner case, and then stories of when he was helping in the area of criminal defense, and odd stories about a prison riot and rambled about sentencing structures.
I tried to be polite, because I didn’t want him to get mad… I just wanted to get home. I felt really uncomfortable but tried to tell myself I was overreacting. He’s just a weird old guy.
Eventually, we got home. He dropped me off, and unlike anyone else ever before, he walked me to my door. I thought he was going to kiss me or hug me, and I was really scared - but then I thought I was being weird for even thinking this. He didn’t do anything, but he stood at the door for a bit.
I went over to a friend’s house and made cookies with my friend. I went to bed feeling really symptomatic, but I didn’t understand why.
I had horrible nightmares about my family and about this guy all night. I woke up screaming twice. This morning, I googled the guy’s name.
His exact name (which is not a common name at all) came up. First, middle, and his full hyphenated last name all matched with a convicted murderer who had been released after serving 34 years of his sentence due to a technicality in how he was sentenced. This murderer represented himself in multiple lawsuits against the state while he was in prison. There was no other person in all of google with his specific first, middle, and hyphenated last name. Even the age range matched this driver.
I texted my therapist. “I think I was creeped on yesterday by a convicted murderer now out on parole. No one physically harmed me, and I am going to make some calls to get help being safe.” I was typing a text to ask her to call me when my therapist texted back, alarmed, and offered to call me. I told her yeah, I could use a phone call. She called me and told me that I was not overeacting. She said I was actually underreacting. She said she could tell I was still very scared, because I sounded a little spacey and nervous. She told me it will probably be ok, I had a good plan to talk to the transportation agency and a friend of mine who is an attorney (a real one)who can help me navigate talking to the police about my concern about this guy coming back. She said the guy thinks he has a relationship with you, and hopefully he will just move on. She was alarmed he was even in this line of work, serving “at risk vulnerable adults who are sick.” She figured he was never back-ground checked, because he is not an employee of the state agency, but a contracted company.
She told me to take the steps I planned on taking to be extra safe, but that I would probably be ok. She told me that the weight of all this would likely hit me hard later on today or in the next few days, and to let her know if I need more support.
I started to cry when she said this. Then I went numb.
I’m here, posting all this, because I need to. I’m really creeped out about what happened, and why I responded the way I did. I’m not angry at myself, but more perplexed that it was so hard for me to tell him no.
Wow, this is super long post. :( Thanks for letting me share all this.
In the beginning, I was easily triggered by the strange drivers showing up at my door. One of the traumas that I have survived as an adult involved being kidnapped in a car and later assaulted. I also survived trauma as child related to my father and cars. So when I started this treatment a year ago, I worked with the state agency and they found a company I feel comfortable with to come drive me to/from treatment. They found a great company, let’s call them Company A, to come. I never feel unsafe with Company A. They have a handful of employees, but they never did anything that surprised or scared me. The state agency has usually sent Company A, because they knew I was ok with them.
Two weeks ago, Company A could not make it. So they sent someone else. The state agency told me he was nice, and it should go well.
It was a guy who ran his own one-man transportation service. He showed up in his personal car. It was a nice car, but still weird. He had me sit in the front, and put my service dog in the back. When Company A comes, I usually sit in the backseat with my service dog at my feet, just like a cab ride. I complied though, not wanting to make a fuss.
The trip went ok. Something seemed off, but nothing raised any big red flags. He told me about how he had been a lawyer but started his own transportation company because he was tired of the courtroom. He told me he now runs this transportation company to help wounded vets and disabled people have a “classy” ride to and from treatment. (The vehicles he uses are all very nice "luxury" type vehicles.) He said he does private investigation and legal work on the side, but enjoys driving people around.
He told me how he teaches at a religious organization (a mosque) and they did a donation to give things to Catholic Charites in town. He is an older man, at least 20-30 years older than me. He said he had no kids. I never asked for any of this information, he just told me. We were just chit-chatting. He seemed like a decent person. I felt ok.
At the end of the hour long trip to the clinic and another hour long trip home, he said I was very pleasant client and he had a good time talking with me. Then it got weird. He told me it was the best time he had in awhile. He gave me his business card for his transportation company, his other private business, and wrote his personal numbers on the back. I thought it was weird, and kind of creepy, but I was too tired and sick to reject the card. My service dog seemed nervous then. I smiled and thanked him, and walked into my apartment.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my therapist in the morning. We talked about trauma related to my father in detail for the first time. Later in the day, when I had to go for this medical treatment again, this guy came. Not Company A.
Weird things happened.
He drove slow. The hour long trip took almost 90 minutes. We chit-chatted, but it got weird fast. He told me about all the qualifications he wanted in a wife. He then talked about the weather, but later asked me why I was not married. He offered me a job. He offered me gifts. He told me he wanted to take me out for coffee or tea, or for a “real dinner” someday. He is older, so I tried to rationalize it as maybe being just a weird old guy thing… All of it felt over the line, way over the line.
But I didn't say no.
Years ago, when I was a teenager, my father pushed me out of a car going 40 mph. I was sitting in the front seat, and my father angrily opened the door and pushed me out. He swerved off the road and it was an awful event. I saw a doctor afterwards, and they didn’t believe me when I said my father pushed me out of a moving car.
My therapist and I had JUST talked about that event that happened with my father, and the very same day, I was in the car with this guy, who was in the same generation as my father, offering me gifts, and I was so scared to say no. I didn’t want him to get angry. I didn’t want anyone to be mad at me and try to hurt me.
When I got to the clinic, I almost told the nurse and the doctor that my transportation driver was being creepy and offering me gifts, and that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell them. I was scared they would not believe me and they would tell the driver, and he would get mad and hurt me.
On the way home, he continued, offering me a trip to another state when I got better. He kept saying so many times how wonderful I was. I was so creeped out and yet sometimes, it almost felt good to hear someone say such nice things about me. I fully admit this. I kept thinking I should tell him no. Stop with all the talk and offers of trips and gifts. I kept telling him, “I will think about it.” He pushed me to get some food, and I finally broke down and let him buy me a burrito on the way home. I felt like I was in a trance.
He asked when my next doctor’s appointment’s were, and I lied. I told him the wrong day. He began to tell me of how he would take the full day off, just to be with me. I noticed his hands for the first time. He had tattoos on them. I don’t have anything against tat’s, but most former attorneys don’t have tattoos on their hands. He told me of protests about the Eric Gardner case, and then stories of when he was helping in the area of criminal defense, and odd stories about a prison riot and rambled about sentencing structures.
I tried to be polite, because I didn’t want him to get mad… I just wanted to get home. I felt really uncomfortable but tried to tell myself I was overreacting. He’s just a weird old guy.
Eventually, we got home. He dropped me off, and unlike anyone else ever before, he walked me to my door. I thought he was going to kiss me or hug me, and I was really scared - but then I thought I was being weird for even thinking this. He didn’t do anything, but he stood at the door for a bit.
I went over to a friend’s house and made cookies with my friend. I went to bed feeling really symptomatic, but I didn’t understand why.
I had horrible nightmares about my family and about this guy all night. I woke up screaming twice. This morning, I googled the guy’s name.
His exact name (which is not a common name at all) came up. First, middle, and his full hyphenated last name all matched with a convicted murderer who had been released after serving 34 years of his sentence due to a technicality in how he was sentenced. This murderer represented himself in multiple lawsuits against the state while he was in prison. There was no other person in all of google with his specific first, middle, and hyphenated last name. Even the age range matched this driver.
I texted my therapist. “I think I was creeped on yesterday by a convicted murderer now out on parole. No one physically harmed me, and I am going to make some calls to get help being safe.” I was typing a text to ask her to call me when my therapist texted back, alarmed, and offered to call me. I told her yeah, I could use a phone call. She called me and told me that I was not overeacting. She said I was actually underreacting. She said she could tell I was still very scared, because I sounded a little spacey and nervous. She told me it will probably be ok, I had a good plan to talk to the transportation agency and a friend of mine who is an attorney (a real one)who can help me navigate talking to the police about my concern about this guy coming back. She said the guy thinks he has a relationship with you, and hopefully he will just move on. She was alarmed he was even in this line of work, serving “at risk vulnerable adults who are sick.” She figured he was never back-ground checked, because he is not an employee of the state agency, but a contracted company.
She told me to take the steps I planned on taking to be extra safe, but that I would probably be ok. She told me that the weight of all this would likely hit me hard later on today or in the next few days, and to let her know if I need more support.
I started to cry when she said this. Then I went numb.
I’m here, posting all this, because I need to. I’m really creeped out about what happened, and why I responded the way I did. I’m not angry at myself, but more perplexed that it was so hard for me to tell him no.
Wow, this is super long post. :( Thanks for letting me share all this.
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