Why Do I Feel Like It's Insignificant?

[GWhizz]

I think I've realised that a huge part of my avoidance in therapy stems from my belief (or want to believe) that none of it matters, that it's not important and that that way I can just bury it and stop making such a big deal of it all.

No disrespect to anyone and their trauma past. It's just that no one ever cared about it before now, I sometimes fail to see the value in acknowledging it was bad and trying to process it all now.

For me, I feel responsible for so much of it, I just don't want pity or sympathy for something I feel at fault for. And I also feel that focusing on it does nothing to change any of it anyway, so what's the point.

Anyone else able to relate? Sorry if this is not very sensible, I'm half asleep typing lol

 

[joeylittle]

I minimize things very easily. I believe it is just a way of trying to have control over events that I actually never had any control over. If I say it's not that bad, not a big deal, etc - then I can pretend to control my feelings about it.

Of course, eventually minimizing just seems to collapse as a coping mechanism. It takes (I find) a great deal of conscious effort to not constantly tell myself that it was not as bad as it actually was.

Anyways: I empathize.

 

[digger]

I think it's pretty common for people to minimise their experiences. It makes it easier to cope with in some ways.

 

[Suzetig]

I know where you're coming from - I constantly fight with the urge to decide that it all wasn't that bad, I'm wasting time opening it up now and there's nothing to be gained. Until my coping strategies all fail, that is, and I yet again find myself dealing with the fall out of things I had no control over and which seem to have left an indelible mark on my heart and mind and soul.

I think telling yourself it's insignificant is a fairly common, strong defence mechanism. It keeps us from opening up old wounds, believing they can never be healed and keeps us trapped by things that were actually incredibly significant. I too feel to blame for much of what troubles me, which is think where a skilled, caring therapist can help in challenging some of that thinking. I'm saying this knowing I'm at the start of a long process of unpicking my "stuff" and I feel quite optimistic about being able to change - ask me again in a months time and I may feel differently!

 

[Friday]

-Caveat: I have no idea what your history is. I'm just talking about me-

1) I claim responsibility for things that aren't "mine" on a regular basis. It's a control-thing. If it's my fault, I can fix it.

2) I flat out was/am responsible for the events I'm most screwed up over. Either because of things I did, or things I didn't do. Or an unholy juxtaposition of both.

3) There's a lot of stuff I'm in no way responsible for, and a lot of stuff that was fruit of the poisonous tree so to speak (things I did in reaction to things I have no control over... Bad thing happened, so I did this really predictable thing in response, which led to my next series of bad choices, which led to really predictable results, which led to the next round. I'm not responsible for bad thing A... But I am responsible for my following actions and reactions.).

4) There's stuff I neither claim responsibility for, nor am responsible for. These fall under trauma umbrella, but they're not part of my PTSD.

5) Other people confuse things. Or are right. (Meaning I think X isn't a big deal, but they do, and they're wrong. Or I'm wrong. Both are problematic.)

So my stuff gets a little complicated. Especially since it was a lot of disparate events over many years. All as an adult. I tend to simply whitewash it all together in a general mishmash of "I'm fine."... But while that "worked" for about a decade (after not working at all for several years. Badly not working.), it no longer works now. Again. So I'm trying to sort everything out. Again. And having a heckuva time

Parsing things into realistic labels seems to be my first step. Diagnosing & identifying. Not medically, but figuring out :
What's mine. What's not. What can I do about either. (Often very different)
What should I do. What should I not do. (Key, this part, for me).
Don't know if it's the right first step... But it's where I'm at.

 

[ghotiff]

It's just that no one ever cared about it before now

This really struck a chord with me.

This was the information that helped me intellectually understand (but I don't think I emotionally do yet).

This is from a parenting book. A child looks to the parent too form a reference of what happened. If the child falls off a climbing frame, it hurts and they look at their parents. If it's a minor fall, the parent gives them a cuddle and encourages them to go back and play. If it's a serious fall they may get the child to rest , or take them to hospital. This feedback helps the child learn for when they are older when to pick themselves back up and when to seek out adult or medical help.

We didn't get appropriate feedback as children. We were told (either expressly, or indirectly) that it's not that bad and to pick our selves up and "play". It's very hard to unwire this. Because "It's just that no one ever cared about it before now"

I'm really valuing this thread, it's very timely for me and I am looking forward to everyone's insights. Thanks @GWhizz

 

[Mystery]

Me too Gwhizz, when the processing gets tough I think of all the people less fortunate than me in the world and tell myself to man up and get grateful. Argh! To some extent that is true and then when I really think about it, it just perpetuates the negative beliefs I've accumulated along the way. It's like joeylittle says, it somehow always seems to collapse as a coping mechanism eventually. I had a really obstacle filled day today, so I'm not feeling very positive myself but sending you my thoughts and mindful caring.

 

[scout86]

I sometimes fail to see the value in acknowledging it was bad and trying to process it all now.

I USUALLY fail to see the value in that. But, a bit over a year ago, I realized that "ignoring it into oblivion" wasn't working particularly well. Actually, it wasn't working at all. It seemed like there was no point in continuing to do something that wasn't working, which meant trying something different. Which led to therapy. At the moment, my T says that minimizing isn't an effective approach and I've decided to take that on faith, for now. He can have his chance, I can always go back to trying to ignore stuff.

 

[shimmerz]

stems from my belief (or want to believe) that none of it matters, that it's not important and that that way I can just bury it and stop making such a big deal of it all.

The problem I found with this (for me) is that I turned my caring towards others rather than myself. So caring didn't turn off completely. I invested all of my caring for those around me. I could even care for and feel people's pain that I didn't know. This strategy seemed to work out until 'the meltdown'. I have come to realize that either:

1. I won't care about anyone or anything (which I am unable to do)
2. I can carry the burden of everyone else's pain through me the whole rest of my life without being attached to what I feel
OR
3. I feel myself more than others - taking responsibility for me rather than everyone else (this is my way of saying meddling with other people's issues when I have no right to)

My looking at my own pain rather than other's has improved my life quality finally. It was (still is) an uphill battle though. I am still learning. There is no question about it for me, avoiding it was doing myself and others tremendous damage.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have been asking myself the last couple of days that same question- what's the point? I have asked my therapist the same question and she keeps saying because the effects of the trauma are affecting my life and by working through it all, I will get to a better place in my life. I don't know if believe it. I would love to shove it all back to the realms of my mind that hide things well and then carry on as before. But I don't know if I can go back to before. Things weren't great, but they weren't terrible. But things changed that made me have to face the facts. There's no turning back so I have to face it. I have to walk through it all.

And then I turn to myself and feel like suck a crybaby. As @Mystery said, there are people less fortunate and so I should just be grateful and get over it. But that doesn't work either. So I just keep plugging away and trying to hope that I am on the right path.

 

[Tinyflame]

I really relate to all of the posts, especially @GWhizz , @ghotiff , @shimmerz bout caring, @scout86 , @FridayJones , & well, everyone's.

So you're not alone in that.

 

[RussH]

Almost everyone who has been traumatized feels it was their fault, so you are not alone in feeling that, and most who feel that way are wrong. It is the fault of our abusers pure and simple.

As for it being insignigicant doing therapy, and reliving the trauma; we have to go back and reconcile those memories, or we are doomed to relive then again, and again when we get triggered, so, at least, in therapy it is sort of controlled.