why do i feel like ending a perfectly healthy loving relationship?

littlestars

Confident
All of this insight makes perfect sense. I keep confusing my boyfriend with a past abuser for some reason. Like I'm afraid that he is going to mentally destroy me, but it turns out that I am the one doing the damage to myself. His family is good to me and we love each other very much. I've been engaged twice to two abusers... he wants to marry me. maybe that's why I'm afraid and these responses are triggered and I'm afraid he will change or my old rage issues will. I don't want the past and my ptsd to ruin our love. I've mentioned this to him before about it getting in the way and he said if he didn't want to be with me, he would have left a long time ago. his two sisters and mom keep telling him to propose to me and he claims he doesn't have a ring yet. I hope I get to have a romantic experience instead of a meltdown when that happens.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
This is where plain, straight, clear, talk works best. Nothing your brain can grab and turn nasty. No ambivalence.

And you need to explain it to your boyfriend too. It's part of your life now.

You - need to clear all your distractions when you talk to him. Stop and pay total attention when you speak to each other, face to face is preferred. Clarify if you feel anything you should not while talking. Use "you said - I heard" to help be clear when you have cognitive distortions.

Hug him and tell him you love him a lot. Think of it as positive propaganda. Sooner or later you will start from " he's telling me because he cares for me" instead of "he's telling me because he wants to hurt me."
 
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Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Then you ask the questions later. Same deal. Stop. Take time. Make sure you understand. Use the "you said - I heard" thing. Understand too you are letting your SO see how your head works. Mine was shocked when I started telling her some of my overthinking stuff. When I said I can go from here to standing on the curb with my bags in 30 seconds I think it shocked her. But it also gave her insight into how I can think and why negativity and ambiguity are bad in our communications.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
That's called cognition when you mix them up. Its a very complex thing and most PTSDer's have it to some degree. Learning about it and recognizing it and when it was slipping was a big step in managing my symptoms. It really helps you avoid really bad days - or at least know what caused them.

It also helps you learn - "not today" - because sometimes you just can't deal with much more than a blanket and Netflix. It is a serious mistake to deal with relationship stuff on those days. Your cognition is usually really low and its easy to be irritable and angry.
 
Yes @Freddyt , I agree. But I think there has to be mutual openeness or desire to do that/ engage, too. Do you think part of the secret sauce of what works for you may be your wife's care for you, her communication and acceptance, as you sound like you also have for her? The knowledge is necessary, but the motivation and acceptance also.
 
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Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Do you think part of the secret sauce of what works for you may be your wife's care for you, her communication and acceptance, as you sound like you also have for her?
I would like to think it's a reflection of the love and care I have for her. It's a reflection of how hard she see's me try to be and do things for her and for us.

Like the Beatles said:

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.
 
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