• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

why do i feel like ending a perfectly healthy loving relationship?

Status
Not open for further replies.
Wow you are one smart cookie @Freddyt , thank you. It certainly sounds like it may apply to you also @littlestars ? I think that's spot on for me for fear/ flight.

(Like saying the opposite of viewing the world through rose-colored glasses- but they are very restful and soothing!)
 
All of this insight makes perfect sense. I keep confusing my boyfriend with a past abuser for some reason. Like I'm afraid that he is going to mentally destroy me, but it turns out that I am the one doing the damage to myself. His family is good to me and we love each other very much. I've been engaged twice to two abusers... he wants to marry me. maybe that's why I'm afraid and these responses are triggered and I'm afraid he will change or my old rage issues will. I don't want the past and my ptsd to ruin our love. I've mentioned this to him before about it getting in the way and he said if he didn't want to be with me, he would have left a long time ago. his two sisters and mom keep telling him to propose to me and he claims he doesn't have a ring yet. I hope I get to have a romantic experience instead of a meltdown when that happens.
 
This is where plain, straight, clear, talk works best. Nothing your brain can grab and turn nasty. No ambivalence.

And you need to explain it to your boyfriend too. It's part of your life now.

You - need to clear all your distractions when you talk to him. Stop and pay total attention when you speak to each other, face to face is preferred. Clarify if you feel anything you should not while talking. Use "you said - I heard" to help be clear when you have cognitive distortions.

Hug him and tell him you love him a lot. Think of it as positive propaganda. Sooner or later you will start from " he's telling me because he cares for me" instead of "he's telling me because he wants to hurt me."
 
Last edited:
Then you ask the questions later. Same deal. Stop. Take time. Make sure you understand. Use the "you said - I heard" thing. Understand too you are letting your SO see how your head works. Mine was shocked when I started telling her some of my overthinking stuff. When I said I can go from here to standing on the curb with my bags in 30 seconds I think it shocked her. But it also gave her insight into how I can think and why negativity and ambiguity are bad in our communications.
 
Yes I could see @Freddyt how that might be helpful in personal relationships , more than friends or family as there's more invested , and more required. Or mutual motivation.

Sorry, short on words. 😶
 
I keep confusing my boyfriend with a past abuser for some reason.
Since digging in deep in therapy I have been confusing my husband of 10 years with my abuser =( I almost think this may simply because they are both male and all my abusers have been male. Even though my husband is a wonderful partner and has never abused me.
 
That's called cognition when you mix them up. Its a very complex thing and most PTSDer's have it to some degree. Learning about it and recognizing it and when it was slipping was a big step in managing my symptoms. It really helps you avoid really bad days - or at least know what caused them.

It also helps you learn - "not today" - because sometimes you just can't deal with much more than a blanket and Netflix. It is a serious mistake to deal with relationship stuff on those days. Your cognition is usually really low and its easy to be irritable and angry.
 
Yes @Freddyt , I agree. But I think there has to be mutual openeness or desire to do that/ engage, too. Do you think part of the secret sauce of what works for you may be your wife's care for you, her communication and acceptance, as you sound like you also have for her? The knowledge is necessary, but the motivation and acceptance also.
 
Last edited:
Do you think part of the secret sauce of what works for you may be your wife's care for you, her communication and acceptance, as you sound like you also have for her?
I would like to think it's a reflection of the love and care I have for her. It's a reflection of how hard she see's me try to be and do things for her and for us.

Like the Beatles said:

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top