General Why Do You Bother?

[sisu]

Innordinate,
I think that relationships are really hard at times....and they are supposed to be. If they were easy there would be no need for divorce and everyone would be happily married until death do they part...(how boring is that! LOL) Kidding aside ~ I think in these difficult times we as individuals are forced to dig deep and learn about ourselves and see what we are made of. Life and living as humans is never stagnent ~ the viewpoints I have now are different from even last week. The experiences that I have had allow me to grow as a person, and that really is what life is about. Once you stop learning and growing your mind, you die anyway.

What I am trying to say is this....yes there are difficult days with our PTSD sufferers but I have to admit that I can be a pain in the butt at times too. No one is perfect and we all have our crosses to bear ~ those of you diagnosed with PTSD know exactly what your cross is to bear. We as carers understand as best we can with the help from our sufferers. I do not have PTSD but I am not perfect and I wouldn't want to be around anyone who was. And I have been married to a person without PTSD and we are now divorced, so a person without PTSD isn't always a prize either.

On the flip side.....we have lots of AMAZING days together and all of the difficult times have made us even closer. We built our relationship on the foundation of being "best friends". And now with that friendship foundation, when things get tough we can say what we need to each other. Communication is the key. And the foundation of friendship is the key. I love this man and I love spending time with this man. We truly enjoy each others company.

Your viewpoint on this is obviously biased as you are a sufferer and not a carer. It is hard to describe and answer your question so you completely understand as you cannot feel what we feel. Just as we cannot fully understand PTSD because we cannot feel what you feel. But we try. And I guess if your wife and kids are making the effort to understand and try then maybe you can make the effort to understand why they care and want to be there. Maybe let them care and be there for you....

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I am a carer and I love my sufferer.

Sisu

 

[Nighthawk]

I will say that supporters must get alot out of giving, caring and standing by there loved ones. It is hard enough to take as a sufferer. But I have been told buy a supporter not to reject him so easily when he asked if he could help. That is all he wanted to do was comfort me I am just not sure I know how to recieve it. I wish you the best outcome for you. Just know that what might feel awful for you may not feel awful for your wife.

Best Thoughts

(((Hugs))) if you can take them

NH

 

[May1321]

Life and living as humans is never stagnent ~ the viewpoints I have now are different from even last week. The experiences that I have had allow me to grow as a person, and that really is what life is about

Couldn't have said it better, Sisu! And this is exactly what I feel too.

Innordinate. I have to admit that I lived my life kind of 'sloppy' or 'laxadayzicle' so to speak before my sufferer and I started dating and before I knew he had PTSD. Knowing I wanted to be with him drove and encouraged me in stepping up my game in my personal life and I can honestly say now that I take better care of myself than I did before even being single and even though the cards have changed a bit, he still - even though I don't think he totally realizes it - encourages me to be the best person I can be for myself and therefore for a partner. He is very supportive in my efforts. And as for the 'supporting' you can ask any supporter and taking care of ourselves is the number one secret to our remaining content in our situations. Do we always enjoy it? NO... but is it always enough to 'throw in the towel'? Heck no! ... yet each situation is different.

so a person without PTSD isn't always a prize either.

I think a relationship is about bringing the best out of each other. We have a lot of GREAT moments, and aside from the PTSD, these great moments waaaaaay outnumber years I've spent with other relationships not suffering from PTSD (friendships and mates alike) and their bad moments.

Number one thing? Loyalty. Number two thing? The ability to make each other laugh and hold long conversations. Number three thing? He is motivated to 'get better' which also means he is open to understanding me... and at least accepting me in my efforts to learn how to live with him and his PTSD because he knows as he gets better this will make more sense.

He knows that it's going to get tougher before it gets easier. But by doing my own research, I already knew that too.

Ye not be fooled that just because you have PTSD the rest of the world is peachy keen. If it wasn't for my sufferer constantly reminding me he has PTSD, half the time I wouldn't even acknowledge it as the problem.

I don't pretend to assume your situation, but usually when two people get married, it's because they are joining forces to battle evil together. Through thick and thin. Maybe your mindset is different than your wife's but if she's like any of us not suffering from the PTSD itself, she married you because she loved you, promised to battle through life with you and when you get to that point, battle through not just for each other but together now for your children. Obviously this is all stuff you need to communicate but it takes TWO to balance and as long as you are open to learning, growing, healing, and therefore understanding her intentions - even faking it till you make it - then you are doing what you can to be a part of that team. If not, then your negativity, your feet dragging, your unwillingness to leave room open for her so you may understand bit by bit is what is going to be the anchor. PTSD is unfortunate but it does not have to be an excuse. I've witnessed many a people overcome their unfortunate circumstances to be able to 'manage' and still live happy lives :)

I am no expert but I only see you have 2 choices.
- You either love your family and want to make it work so YOU put in the effort and all it entails...
- OR you maybe love your family but you don't want to committ yourself to the work so then you let them go so that they can be better for themselves and not be sucked under the darkness with you.

Don't do half way, or give yourself outs. That's like trying to stand on a raft with holes in it.

I really hope you choose to fight. Not just for your family, but for yourself.

 

[May1321]

Obviously this is all stuff you need to communicate but it takes TWO to balance and as long as you are open to learning, growing, healing, and therefore understanding her intentions - even faking it till you make it - then you are doing what you can to be a part of that team. If not, then your negativity, your feet dragging, your unwillingness to leave room open for her so you may understand bit by bit is what is going to be the anchor.

Just so you don't think I am all one sided in this - 'against your suffering' - This statement truly goes both ways. Both parts need to be open for the best, or walk away from the rest. Just as a 'carer' doesn't deserve your half - a** efforts, neither DO YOU deserve theirs! As supporters, we have to be open to understanding - meeting in the middle - putting in just as much effort, not holding 'expectation for the better or what was before'. Fighting against each other is what wears out any and all relationships.

 

[Innordinate]

Just know that what might feel awful for you may not feel awful for your wife.

Just as a 'carer' doesn't deserve your half - a** efforts, neither DO YOU deserve theirs! quote]
.

ok

 

[Nighthawk]

Gosh I hope you did not take what I said in the wrong way. I just know how hard it is and can be. I only wish you the best and more than likely need to follow some of my own advise. I too do not know why anyone bothers to take the time to try and help or support me in anyway. This forum has allowed me to push myself in ways I don't think I would if not for others support and knowing I do not stand alone in my thought process.

May you be at ease with whatever you choose.

NH

 

[BigBear]

Faith - but how long is that going to hold I wonder

Lets see, 14 years so far. And no sign of letting up...

I'm sorry I don't see any "real" reasons here.

She is committed to me. I'm committed to her. That's called relationship. There is real joy in commitment.

So I guess that I'd say that you really need to find that commitment in yourself before you go back.

Bear

 

[Cydney]

How do you get your sufferer to understand that you want to help and be supportive. That they are worthy of being loved and cared for as much as anyone else?

That PTSD is something you have it doesn't define who you are?

How do you get the line of communication open?

All of your posts have been a great help in easing my worries, and lonliness at this moment.

Praying to hear from him soon...

 

[BigBear]

How do you get your sufferer to understand that you want to help and be supportive. That they are worthy of being loved and cared for as much as anyone else? ... How do you get the line of communication open?

One of the things that I have done is to let them be right. It doesn't mater whether they are or not. They've been beaten up way to much and no longer know what trust is. We have to help them relearn trust. It often does mean soaking up some damage. This may be a lot easier for a guy. We're made to take damage and keep coming back. You accept some guilt for things that you aren't guilty of and apologize.

When you reestablish trust, you can finally have a voice with them. It will come and go. You have to accept that and keep reproving that they can trust you. Each proof strengthens your ability to help them.

Its a really long road. Just keep remembering that they are well worth it. [And that they aren't really mad at you. It's the abusers that they are really mad at.]

Bear

 

[Nighthawk]

Bear
I hope one day I can let someone in that is willing to work as hard as you to gain that trust.

NH

 

[Innordinate]

I come back to this so often and I still don't get it.
I think I'm just being particularly dense.... :notworthy:

 

[discarded]

I suffered along with him, trying to help him and us and our family for many years.

I declined into depression myself.

I endured countless years of loneliness and despair, months of counselling sessions, I did it because I told myself I loved him and he loved me. But then it all became too much and he told me he didn't love anymore, he didn't want nor need my help and I finally realized I loved the man he was when I married him 27 years ago and I do not even recognize him anymore.

I feel very sad for what we have lost as a couple and as a family. I ache for him and the pain he feels that I will never understand. I do not regret staying for all the years I have.

I wish this forum had been around at the start of our journey with PTSD. I did many things wrong and I have paid the price. We have finally separated.