Why Do You Do It?

[EverOnly358]

I'm struggling with the basic idea, why am I working so hard to manage my PTSD? And I'm finding that I can never just do it for myself. I do it for my family or for other reasons. And sometimes I wonder... maybe I'm not worth it... maybe I don't deserve to feel better.

So, I was hoping other people might share why they keep going, why they keep doing the hard work, why they keep going to therapy, why they don't give up. What's the basic, underlying motivating factor that keeps you from quitting or going back to the old, unhealthy ways of dealing with PTSD?

(I'm sorry, I hope this isn't a really stupid question. Does anyone else deal with this?)

 

[digger]

I know if I think too hard about this question it leads me towards a black hole. Bottom line is I do it to stay alive, but the 'why' part of staying alive is more difficult. At the moment I am keeping myself alive for my son. I know that's not the healthiest way of looking at things, but I have never been good at staying alive for me. I guess somewhere in me there must be something which hopes that one day I will be able to do this stuff for me, that if I just keep going, keep trying, one day I will see a spark of self worth that gives me an internal reason to be. I haven't seen it yet though.

 

[franciemarnie]

Pain. The pain became too immense. And if you're going to live, and that was ultimately my choice - although I was self destructive for a while before I came around, again from pain - I wasn't going to live feeling like xhit. Not if I could help it. There's no point to that.

And the more progress I've made, the more moments of well being, the more I've been motivated to keep going.

I didn't have anyone like kids or family to do it for. But that's as good a reason as any until you feel someday you want to do it for yourself.

Life can be good. Really good. I deserve to feel that, and so do you.

 

[LongStoryShort]

I only do it for the sake of my kids, I'd do anything to give them the best and most stabile upbringing possible, so they can go into the world as strong people who have a lot to give (and not be in a state like mine).

Even if I have to fake it, my home is my "country" and I will have to do things better then the previous generations, my kids will feel loved, valued, safe here always if nowhere else, they will hopefully be educated, socially happy and thrive, but if not then they always have my "country" where they have my full support. I care about them a lot, and although I have a lot of empathy for anyone who suffers I can't get myself to care about other people outside this "country" very easily. Like I have very little to say to them. I don't trust them I guess.

So that is my reason.

 

[HelenB]

That isn't a stupid question. It's real and honest.

For myself I know that I couldn't cope with my old ways any more. Everything was screaming so much and I couldn't just shut it all out any more. If I am totally honest I am very scared. I am not really coping with facing things at the moment and actually want to give up so so much and know it is only my little people and thinking of how much it would hurt them so much for me to give up which is keeping me from not doing it a lot of the time, but beyond that I am trying so hard to see that little girl in me and see that actually she really was only a little girl. I also find it so hard to see that there is really any worth in me, but am trying to keep hold of the fact that that is a lie.

When I read what you are saying I know so well that the thoughts about you not having any worth so much must feel like they are so true to you, but i know they are not reality. I am pretty new on here and do not know what your experience is but I know you do have worth. I do feel for you so much when you say that you feel you can do it for your family and other reasons, and know so well that that in itself is so important and sometimes the only thing which can keep us going, but even if you had no family you are so important and you really do deserve so much more. I am hoping that as you are searching for the answers to this that inside you really can begin to feed in that you do actually have worth. Horrible things may have happened to you and may have made so much scream out that it is you and you do not have worth, but even before that you are you and deep in the heart I really do believe that in every one of us there is so much more. All the hurt and pain and shame try to hide it all, but inside I really do believe there is so much treasure and really hope you can start to see that for yourself more and more as you do face the PTSD and many things your experiences will have taught you about yourself which contradict this which I really believe to be truth.

God bless
Helen

 

[rightkindofme]

I work to lessen the pain I feel because I am an animal and I can only take pain for so long before it will kill me. It doesn't matter if the pain is physical or psychological. Animals can only take so much pain. I have to feel less pain than I did for a long time. Things are better.

I'm in the "I live for my kids" camp but I don't think it is unhealthy. I am very conscious of the fact that they are not here to meet my needs. My needs are so big they will never be met by a human being. I'm pretty peaceful with that. My kids give me a reason to work at being a nicer person. They give me specific and constant feedback on my behavior through their unconscious behavior.

If I yell too often my oldest daughter develops an eye tic. I feel horrible guilt for this but I understand it is an unconscious response. Her body is feeling too much stress and I have to back off.

Becoming nice enough for my children is changing how I interact in the world in general. It is giving me more compassion for myself and my journey. It is changing how I view my mother and how she treated me during my childhood.

Trying to be a nice mother has caused me to find out a lot of things I never imagined about how interdependent we all are and what it means when needs aren't met. Having people be kind to us is a need. If I want my children to be kind to me I have to treat them kindly and with respect otherwise they will have no way of learning how to be that way.

I'm a huge proponent of modeling.

 

[Lionheart]

Previous to embarking on a healing journey, I was on a path of self-destruction, so I do it quite literally to save my own life. Because I had no positive coping skills, I was drinking whiskey hand over fist, taking handfuls of sleeping pills, cutting on myself with razor blades, and praying to die. I was engaging in high risk sexual behaviors, exposing myself to the very real threat of HIV/AIDS (as well as people who did not have my best interests at heart).

I had no sense of self, no self-esteem and no boundaries. I was quite simply a white hot mess with a death wish. I was full of anger, shame, guilt etc., and it was truly a living hell. I am grateful that I was generally too hungover to successfully take my own life.

I have been in therapy over 14 years now and I no longer drink alcohol or wish to die. I still have some challenges, but life is good. So there it is in a nutshell, I do it to stay alive and have a better quality of life.

 

[eav]

I started because my mind gave me no choice. The flashbacks got so bad that I started losing connection with reality. I keep going because I hope to get past the physical illnesses and injuries stress has caused me. I've written many, many emails to my therapist saying that I am quitting, that I can't do it, practically every week. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from sending them are my friends.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I was very high functioning before my breakdown. After, not so much. I first kept going because of my son, then I realized I was a person too, and now I keep going because I want to be well. My therapist told me if I kept coming, I would get well, so I go twice a week, even if I think I won't get any benefit, because I really, really, want to get well now.

 

[EverOnly358]

I guess somewhere in me there must be something which hopes that one day I will be able to do this stuff for me, that if I just keep going, keep trying, one day I will see a spark of self worth that gives me an internal reason to be. I haven't seen it yet though.

@digger1, you spoke the words that I just couldn't figure out how to say! Thank you! That's exactly how I feel, and I worry that it's a major stumbling block for me. And I do empathize with doing it for your son... having three kids is the major reason why I keep going, even when all I want to do is make it all stop.

Life can be good. Really good. I deserve to feel that, and so do you.

I'm still very much in the phase where I look back to earlier this year, when I was doing so much and everyone was so happy with me... and I kinda want to go back there. Yes, I was a crazed, over-busy, over-worked, obsessive, manic people pleaser who twisted myself to be whatever anyone said they wanted me to be. Yes, I was so overdoing it that I would sink into severe depression for a week or two every month. All really unhealthy ways to cope. But man, most of the time I was getting a lot done and I was walking around like a normal person. Now I spend so much time depressed or overwhelmed by PTSD, it's just so difficult. It doesn't mean that I stop working on the PTSD, just that more than ever I need motivation to keep moving forward even when it's so hard.

I've always really liked your attitude, @franciemarnie, and I really love the quote above. I just wish I could actually wrap my head around it. ;)

I only do it for the sake of my kids

Me, too. I love how you said described your home as your "country" because I feel that way, too. More than anything I've always wanted my kids to have a happy, clean and safe home with lots of love. I think lots of people with PTSD worry a lot about being good parents, which I think makes us some of the best parents ever. We care so much about our kids and giving them a better life than the one we experienced.

If I am totally honest I am very scared. I am not really coping with facing things at the moment and actually want to give up so so much

@HelenB, thank you so much for your comments. You made me cry! I'm really not there yet, but yes, I hope to be someday. Your words meant so much. I know that feeling of being so scared, too. Overwhelmed as well. I'm really trying hard to learn to be patient with myself and be kind to myself, which seems like something I don't deserve. So, like you, I often think of my younger self, and then it's easier, because she really deserves kindness and love. It's such a weird disconnect for me though... because that last statement, I can never say that about me. But I can work towards that, I guess, being hopeful I'll get there one day.

My needs are so big they will never be met by a human being.

Wow. I found this an interesting statement... I mean, how do you handle that? Honestly, I'm curious. Because I've ignored my needs for so many years, now they're all screaming at me. I'm learning to be nice to myself and try to meet my own needs so that I'm not dependent on others to help me. But, I mean... how do you deal with just not having your needs met? Maybe I'm confused. I really am interested, though, if you have time to comment more on this statement. And kids, yes, I truly think they make us better people just by being around them.

I had no sense of self, no self-esteem and no boundaries.

@Lionheart777, I am so sorry that you went through so much! It's amazing how far you've come. I really appreciate your comments. As for your quote, that's really where I am... I have no idea who the real me is, since I've been twisting myself to please others for years and years, maybe my whole life. I have little self-esteem, no confidence, and hey, no idea about boundaries... which, yes, can lead to letting all sorts of terrible things happen to me. I really appreciate it every time someone further down the road in dealing with PTSD comes along and says that life does get better. It's just, I've been suffering forever, I'm 40 now, but I was just diagnosed with PTSD this year. I'm very much in the phase where it gets worse before it gets better. It's really hard to see that doing the work will someday pay off, but you've really given me a little more confidence that it's possible to feel better than I do right now.

@eav, Ha! Thanks for saying that... because I want to quit therapy every single week. I hate therapy. But I want to feel better and therapy is required, so I keep going. But I hate it so much! I'm so sorry your flashbacks got so bad and it was so much to handle. Flashbacks have caused me SO many horrible problems over the years, but I didn't know what was happening. I guess my abuse started so young, that I never *really* understood that what was happening to me wasn't normal. So when I grew up and left home at 20, I just stopped thinking about my childhood completely. But, as we all know, that doesn't work. I just wish I had been diagnosed with PTSD earlier. Again, I was so taught in my childhood to put on a facade of "everything's fine, everything's good" that when I started going to therapy 14 years ago, I just couldn't talk about my childhood and didn't even understand there was a reason to do so.

@monster1977, you really summed it all up perfectly.

Sorry this post is much, much too long, but I REALLY appreciate all the comments, they've helped a lot.

 

[HelenB]

Though I do not usually like to make people cry, I am glad that my words could mean so much to you and that you have been able to helped so much by the other words on this forum. Though I am not sure what last statement you meant I am assuming that you meant the one about being treasure inside. I know for myself I also find it so hard to believe and say about me, but do know that this is true, and even though I have spent so many years shutting out that little girl, and hating and punishing her too for even being there and allowing any of the thoughts and feelings to come to the surface, I do know that beginning instead to be able to embrace her instead of being so angry constantly with myself, has been a major turning point in my journey, and though I do still go there a lot when I am not coping with all the pain, I do know that recognising that little girl and the fact that she is in fact me is so important and that actually the worth I can see in so many others around me and in my own children too, is the worth that she also deserves. Again like you actually connecting to that and allowing myself to see myself as any worth is very different, but it is a journey I really am trying to work on, and though I am still so so scared, I know that is a journey I do have to do to be able to come to freedom.

I have also found it helpful to be able to read and input into this thread, as I am so aware that I am in such a hard place myself at the moment, and being able to say the things to you and remind myself of the things I really do know to be true, I do know is also so important. Reading about your children and so many other things you have said I really do feel I can relate to so much, and I am really glad that you are able to find the strength and courage to face this stuff and keep going because you really do deserve it, and even if you cannot believe that yet, wanting to believe and take hold of it is a first and very imortant step.

God Bless
Helen

 

[EverOnly358]

I am really glad that you are able to find the strength and courage to face this stuff and keep going because you really do deserve it, and even if you cannot believe that yet, wanting to believe and take hold of it is a first and very imortant step.

I was crying in a good way. Your words are very moving and kind. I'm just at the point where I keep rereading stuff like "I really do deserve to feel better" and "I deserve kindness and love" and hope that it will just eventually sink in. I mean, in my childhood, I was told so many horrible things. So I feel like to fight those memories, I have to just keep repeating good things, like "I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect," stuff like that. And maybe one day I'll actually believe it.

I struggle a lot with being angry with myself, too. I'm trying hard to actually be angry with the people who deserve the blame, my parents. It's a long road.

Thanks again for your kind words,
D123