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Wife With A Whole Bag Of Problems

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With all due respect, I have:

PTSD
ADD/ADHD
Vaginismus (a sexual dysfunction with both physical and psychological components)
Over 243 known allergies
I have been "pre-cancer", changing cells 4 times but so far have been fortunate enough to evade a diagnosis.
Allergic IBS
Celiac's Disease
Fibrocystic Breast Disease
Osteopenia
Sleep Apnea
Allergic Blephartis
Arthritis
I am slightly over weight.
and a couple other things I can't recollect right now.

I work two part time jobs that equal one full time job because I limit my exposures to work environments I am allergic to and also because I get overstimulated and have difficult with the PTSD and ADD/ADHD. I come home exhausted and like your spouse, my spouse carries a lot of the load at home. He has a full time job and a part time job. So we have 4 jobs between the two of us and we assist my mother and my mother-in-law who are elderly and "mostly" independent but have health issues.

My husband could have written the initial post. But he didn't. In our counseling (twice with a shrink, once through our church), he came to the conclusion that we both were "well intention-ed" people who loved each other and we both chose (my husband was the cause of my last near traumatic break about 7 or so years ago now) to honor our marital vows. The part where it says "in sickness and in health".

Sometimes I can do more, sometimes I can't. Sometimes I try to and crash afterwards. He sees and appreciates my efforts. My husband is my number one cheerleader. Our life is far from perfect but we are bonded and love each other and we do not fight or scream at each other though there are disagreements.

It was important for both of us to learn effective communication skills. It was important for both of us to affirm our vow and to view ourselves and each other as two "well intention-ed" people. Things have gotten much better over the past three years.

I hope this helps you.
 
Pay all bills
@truly caring, may I ask you two more things? Does pay all bills mean, that only your earned money is used to pay the bills, or does it mean you authorize the payments with ?

And what is the cause of your wife's PTSD? I forgot this question in my first post to you. I think this could be important.

Once again, thank you.
 
I'm spelling it wrong put Katacaronis is when your eye balls do not form round but, oval. With glasses she has 20/60 without glasses she has 20/300. She got it from her father. Her eye doctor said her vision will get a little worse but, it does not make you blind. She never wears her glasse because she says they course her headaches

I was 27 when we got married and my wife was 25. We both lived with our parents. I did all the food shopping and house cleaning at my moms. My parents are divorced and I lived with my mom, who has MS. I do have 2 younger brothers and a sister.

My wife does cook dinner and make the Grocery list. The one thing that really annoys me is that I do both of our laundry ever week. Its more I would like help from my wife sometime. I also would like time with her. It like she is always on the ipad.

Every time we get paid we put a little money in our personal account and the rest goes in our joint account from witch we pay bills with.

I would not like to say what caused her PTSD because that's her personal business.

Also I have been diagnosed with ADD since a little kid.
 
Truly Caring,

It sounds like you have unconsciously went from one caregiver role to another, and that you thought that marriage would be better and different. But instead, it sounds like you are right back taking care of your mom. Your screaming makes me think that you feel angry and cheated somehow.

Mostly, I want to say that if your wife paid more attention to you and treated you more affectionately, I think the rest of the stuff you mentioned would not be a real problem for you. If you felt loved and appreciated, if she thanked you and made you feel special in the relationship, then would you still feel this way?

You don't come out and just say it, but it feels like what you are trying to communicate is the feeling of being taken for granted and used. As was pointed out above, the stuff you are complaining about is stuff you would have to do anyway, if you were single.

So it's really not valid. I mean you fold her clothes? So what!? My husband folds the clothes of four of us, and the rest of us help when we can. He never complains about his family members, but sometimes he reports feeling tired of the chores. He is appreciated, loved, and thanked often. He is treated for the special person he is, and his needs and feelings are taken care of, too.

I guess if I were you, from what you have written, I would feel like I jumped from one dependent mother to a wife who is really no different because you are not getting the perks of marriage (sex, intimacy, communication, togetherness) but you still have all the same roles and chores as before.

Your wife has really gone downhill since she married you, too. She went into the psych ward for a month during the "honeymoon" period of the first six months. She has gained weight and asthma. I don't think she is thriving in this role any more than you are.

Your expectations are not being met, and neither are hers.

I'm not a couples therapist, but I was told by one that if things go wrong in the first year there is little point to therapy because there is no "good" to go back to.

You two might need to admit that you are not a good fit, and it's nothing personal or intentional. Then decide if you want to both try to make this fit better or not and divorce.

I think PTSD has little to do with it.
 
I think what made me uncomfortable reading this was the original poster is doing what most women do for their families every single day, it's just culturally expected of us.

As for the idea of having kids, are you ready to add them to your chore list? Because it sounds like that's what will happen without couples therapy.
 
Just a few more things...

Screaming isn't good in any relationship, let alone one that deals with PTSD. I'm a bit concerned that things have graduated to this point so early in your relationship. I don't think anyone with PTSD would say that they've been motivated to do anything by being screamed at. On the other hand, I'd say that most of us have probably shut down at least once, if not more, after being screamed at. Bottom line, I hope you can learn to work out your differences without screaming at her.

I think I'm a little offended that "slightly overweight" was listed alongside her other more serious issues. A lot of guys don't understand this, but really, this is a line you simply do not cross unless it involves an eating disorder and you're trying to get her help or there are other health issues involved. This is going to sound really crass, but guys, you criticizing our weight is akin to a female criticizing your "size" if you know what I mean. Simply put, you do not do it. A woman's worth is often SADLY built around her looks, at least in part, no thanks to society, and it is extremely hurtful for a guy to complain that we've put on a few pounds. Similarly, many guys build up their self worth around their "size" and if a female puts a guy down for being small, it emasculates him. Yes, a little vent here, but I don't think you realize how hurtful it is to complain about someone putting on a few pounds as an issue up there with PTSD.
 
Hi @truly caring, first, I wanted to thank you for answering so openly to all my questions.
And what is the cause of your wife's PTSD?
I would not like to say what caused her PTSD because that's her personal business
Please know, that I didn't ask you because of curiosity, but because of concern: If your wife's PTSD was caused by sexual abuse (whether in childhood, or as an adult) this would explain why she doesn't want to sleep with you.

I'd like to tell you one or two things more, but today my time is very limited. So I'll answer you tomorrow.
 
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Bottom line I feel used and worthless and her being on the ipad all the time just makes it worse. I thought getting married would not be like living with my mom. We do go to couples theropy for 3 months already. She was Mulested for a period at 6 and forced to have sex once at 20. When we have the rare sex the mouth is off limits.
 
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