Will I Always Feel This Way?

[katiekat]

I am having a really hard time putting my finger on how I feel sometimes, and if I can change how I feel. I have a trauma history from childhood and hold a lot of resentment towards my mother, who neglected me and my brother, leaving him to act out his anger on me while she was away. I have a kind, upbeat, happy side to me, and a very unhappy side which includes resentment, depression and boredom. I generally feel "icky" when I get this way, I don't know what to do with myself, nothing sounds interesting, I am lonely (despite having a fiance and toddler to keep me busy), I want to be alone but I dont at the same time, I don't feel hungry, I feel lazy and unmotivated. What is this all about? I was feeling a little dissociative earlier when my fiance and I got into a tiff, but we got over it, but I still felt kind of dizzy/zoned out. That was hours ago. Now I am just feeling in a funk. I have been having major relationship problems with my fiancé over the last year, but they have escalated in the last few months. I feel like I am to blame for all of our problems, but my therapist assures me that he has also done some not-so-desireable things over the years also. But I still have this feeling with my fiance that I get when around my mom and brother... I just feel like families are not "happy", that the general state of people is "unhappy" and that its just the way relationships are. My fiance is about ready to leave me if I don't change, but I wonder if I will ever change, if my natural state is unhappiness. Is that a crazy thing to think? I feel like I am rambling, I dont really know how to put into words what it is I feel I guess. Can anyone relate?

 

[Dendrite]

Oh yes, I can relate. I am older than you so those issues can still be there but not to the same degree now. I will keep you in my meditations. I promise, I will. :)

 

[katiekat]

I guess I should ask too if this is a specific PTSD issue or just a regular human issue. :)

 

[Dendrite]

Its a bit of both. You are a lovely young person, hold onto that. I will keep you in my thoughts. :)

 

[franciemarnie]

You won't always feel this way.

Not unless you lock yourself in a room and never go out or come online here or go to therapy and so on.

You will change and heal. You will know what you feel when before you didn't.

Relationships can be happy, not like what we grew up with, I am happy with mine. He is good and kind and considerate. We always have fun together. I love to talk with him and we are going on nine years together.

Do you enjoy your time with your fiancé? If you get the same feeling around him as your mother and brother, that might not be the best sign. But only you know if it's right.

 

[SaraE]

Hi,
I'm 36 and was diagnosed with ptsd 6 months ago due to childhood neglect and abandonment. I'm in therapy. I have a great career, friends and recently got engaged. But I keep picking fights in my relationship and Im scared of it not working out all the time. I wanted to see what you are doing without meds to heal? I prefer not to use meds. Could use a friend that understands.

 

[katiekat]

Hi Sara,
I am not sure what to do about my relationship just yet but our issues are out in the open and we are both in separate therapy. He is mainly focusing on our relationship in his and I wad just diving into my trauma therapy when he decided to majorly stir the relationship issues up. I have been dissociating to deal with him and just get thru my day, but now things are very tense. My therapist has me doing mindfulness meditations, working out daily if possible, and eating healthy. I am not on meds but had taken antidepressants from the age of 18 to 26 on and off, eventually getting off them for good when I felt suicidal on them. My therapist recommends I stay off them at this time. I believe working out and sitting in the sauna has been my best defense and best way to recharge. If you don't have a sauna to use, a hot shower or doing some yoga after a really exhausting workout can give you that same kind of relaxation.

Thanks Dendrite for the kind words of encouragement.

Franciemarnie, my relationship with my fiance isn't wonderful. We spent the last 5 years high on weed and I quit when my therapist said he wouldn't be able to help me if I kept smoking. It's been an eye opener and I find myself falling back on it to cope with my frustration towards him. I don't know how it will end up but right now I am focusing on being OK right now in this moment and trying not to judge or worry about the future. It's the only way I can get thru my day right now.

 

[WillyKat]

I guess I should ask too if this is a specific PTSD issue or just a regular human issue. :)

With PTSD, every regular human issue is magnified and made worse. Marriage is a huge transition, and if the family you grew up in wasn't so great, you're going to have those same fears as you start your own. Now add on a heaping spoonful of PTSD and it can feel overwhelming.

It's also an opportunity. You have a chance to build loving, meaningful family.

 

[katiekat]

Thank you so much Wileykat. :)

 

[Dendrite]

And also, your own experience of PTSD will be unique to you, your experiences and circumstances. It has its own finger print and could be somewhat different to my experiences. Don't take anything I say too seriously, as I am on this road of healing too and don't have all the answers and sometimes get confused. :)