Wish Me Luck!

[Iam]

I think it is possible to at least "act like I like myself" Anni. In fact maybe there have even been times when I feel good about what I am doing.....not sure that I have ever felt good "about myself" though. I mean the deep down kind of self acceptance. I mean to get there....if others can why can't I, why shouldn't you? I am not sure how my T sees me....oh he says I am intelligent, intuitive, of value, that I deserve to be treated with respect, but is that how he really sees me or is it his training in pyschology and a theological belief that all of us are valuable and special and loveable in God's eyes.

I do know that God had given me a new life. I sorta blew that one on my own, yet He is willing to forgive and pick me up yet again. And if God sees me as of value and worthwhile, worth loving...shouldn't I be extending that to myself. I mean to do anything else is spitting in His eye and calling Him a liar right? It is so easy to have all that "head" knowledge. It's translating it to the heart that is so difficult.

 

[anni]

The thing is, is that as you said yourself, you're intuitive. I do think an awful lot of us are, either by nature ( and possbily the sort of person sensitive and susceptible to both abuse and bullying, if that makes any sense). T's might be trained in saying things which 'work', but they also absolutely know we'll pick up on it and shut down if we sense they're, well, talking crap. I know you're pre-programed to disbelieve anything good or lovely=natured in yourself, but your T knows you well enough to say these things in complete confidence. If he says you are all those things, you can probably take them to the bank ( although no idea what that phrase even means-you know what I mean). As a trained professional he might have some standard psych-speak but that training also teaches them not to blow the trust by talking nonsense they know quite well we'll see through in a hot second.

I won't add to your trauma, but please do let me point out, Iams, that you hardly 'got here' all by yourself, you know? It is HARD to put the anger and GENUINE blame where it belongs-we're the only ones in the whole scenario we can get our hands on, somone has to pay for all this so we make a dandy target for self-flagellation. I don't know, I'm no theologian but boy, it would seem to me that if you have a new life, given you by God it's not a second chance for some awful, repentant, formerly 'sinful' person but a final PEACE and gift for someone who has borne too MUCH in life and deserves this now. My husband cringes a bit when I say this to him because he's not a terribly 'touchy feely, Kumbaya', kinda guy. Ok-the exact opposite but SO loving and kind despite his GUY-guy hunting/fishing/LL bean boots mien. I tell him all the time I feel he's sort of my reward-and yes that sounds both silly and self congratulatory. The latter because I'd have to accept God might possibly care enough to have noticed I needed/deserved this after 'all that'. Well I'm at least there, in my head. and very, very grateful, and as for silly, well, have sounded silly before so oh well!

You sound whole, although I know are still putting it all together. From out here, at least, it's a pretty clear photograph even if you don't quite feel that way yet.

And I just sounded pat and preachy again- please excuse-again.

 

[seedling]

Iam - I think we have the same T :) ! I pick up on the modeling thing with mine too, it is like a moment of clarity, something pure. I can see that he's being himself with no apologies. And if I say something funny or "true" he laughs or comments on it in a way that shows me that he found it valuable.

Anni - and I think we married the same guy. I always think of my husband as a gift from God for all the crappy guys I hung out with before I met him. It's one gift I've never turned down and am always thankful for! I like what you said about the Ts knowing we will see through stuff. It must be hard for them to walk that fine line at times, we're a suspicious lot.

I'm not sure how a therapist takes all-comers, they must really like people - just plain old humanity in all its forms. Afraid I'm not up to that myself, maybe partly because I don't seem to have much defense against people's crap.

 

[anni]

That's intuitive as heck, seedling. All of it, in point of fact but the T thing. I wish, sincerely, I were as GOOD a person, inside and out, who could take every scrap of humanity and value them just by virtue of them being alive on the planet and deserving it- no matter if they're an *sshole or whatever. And who is to say I'm not one, anyway, and my T has had to do that in order to take on me as a patient?

I do kind of wish I were THAT good, kind and accepting, though, for real! it does put a whole new level of respect onto the T's, doesn't it? SUCH a good point.

 

[Iam]

You both have made excellent points Anni and Seedling...ok, now for another twist on the same thread. I asked my T yesterday why he keeps bringing up the "therapeutic relationship" as being part of therapy itself as he has been saying something akin to this every session for at least the last month. He loved the question and I thought you all might be interested in his answer.

Hopefully I can get this right. He talked about transference and counter transference. The transference being that as clients we hold our T's in positions of authority. In my case with "parent problems", I put him in the position of a parent. Since many of us with c-ptsd have grown up with such critical parents the nonjudgemental relationship with our T's is extremely important in reprogramming those old tapes that constantly play in our heads. I commented that I PAY him to be nonjudgemental and that he is trained to be able to act like that, but that I don't believe as a person that he can truly be that nonjudgemental. He said that's where the counter transference comes in. That is why as therapists that they have to go thru such intensive therapy themselves, so that they don't project their issues onto others.

He made two other points about our therapeutic relationship. One...that he didn't want me to think that the EMDR that I am doing with the specialist is the be all, end all. That it is just one of the parts of my therapy. As is the role playing, healing prayer, affective and spiritual work that we do.

Second, and I think his most important point, that there are not always going to be major breakthroughs, weekly or even monthly. He felt that it was good to remind ourselves of that and that it is ok. When things slow down or back off he said it is real easy for both the therapist and client to wonder why the client is still coming for therapy. That is the stage when the relationship itself can be deepened and where the relationship itself can have the most effect for the client. I think this is something that we would all do well to remember. It comes up in posts all the time. "I don't seem to be progressing, I can't talk about it, I seem to be at an emotional block....however many ways we put it.
when we stop seeing major progress we think that maybe we need to switch therapists. Maybe this is the time when we can work on our attachment issues??? Just a thought ;o)

 

[anni]

Wow. I like your T, SO much! It's given me an awful lot to think about, especially, for me, the rather scary thought that it IS an equal relationship. I don't like that. It's true and has to be, but would very much rather he be the all-knowing, trusted one. :) Awful, isn't it?

yes, have seen the posts where people worry about not making progress and never know what to say to them. I KNOW what's going on, but like with many concepts have been unable to translate the whole thing into actual words. This did it nicely.

Such a good post, Iams!!

 

[Iam]

I'm sorry Anni, I didn't see your response until now. Glad you found it insightful ;o) Now to complain!

I am not feeling to wonderful about my session today. He was late and I had forgotten my phone so didn't get his message. I was really beating myself up for forgetting it. I was also worried about my T. Fortunately my best friend was with me today and she has his cell number in her phone in case of an emergency. So, I went back to the store where I had dropped her off to shop and we called him. Yes he was running late. We started a half hour late and ended after about 35 minutes as his next client was there. Hde had left her a vm that he was running late and to come 1/2 hour later. She didn't get it so he stopped our session. I think I am mad. Now I have to say that in over a year of meeting with him he has never once missed, cancelled or even rescheduled an appt with me. Pretty good track record. He has on occassion been late and always calls. He also has given me far more than an hour many times let alone rarely just 50 minutes. Really, I have no reason to be angry. Big deal...one time in 13 months of weekly sessions, sometimes more? I also feel I over stepped my boundaries but telling him that it was ok if he needed to poke his head out there and tell her he was running late. I actually said it twice to him. Now I am worried he thinks I am controlling and will not like me. Stupid I know.

My T started with, "So how did your week go. That's a safe way to start, on the mental stuff instead of asking how you are feeling." Funny cause "feelings" were exactly what I wanted to talk about! I started with telling my T about the fact that I got emotional at my EMDR session last Friday and that the dr. seemed very tuned into my emotions. He mentioned that he was going to start out asking why I looked so much more relaxed and then said something about being blunt. I told him maybe that is a good idea. He did point out that we have worked on emotions. I said that I knew we had kind of circled around emotions lately because of my huge fear about them and how I had dissociated at times when we successfully accessed them. Told him I think that maybe they are close to the surface and I am may be ready to try again. He was glad my friend was with me in case I dissociated again. He asked me what "feeling" I wanted to work on. I couldn't do it.

I also told him that 2 of the things he told me last week upset me even though I did agree with him on one of them. I've never confronted him with criticism before and seemed to lay it on thick in many areas today. What is with me?????

Sorry, kind of rambled...guess I don't have my thoughts very well together today. Need to process it more. I just feel vulnerable for telling him how I feel and so scared that he mistook it. I am always afraid of hurting anyone. Guess I am afraid of rejection. Hmm.....maybe that is what I should talk with him about next week? ;o)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Iam,

Thank you for sharing the details of your therapy. Therapy is something a lot of us are engaged in, but something I don't see shared in great detail. It is also very reassuring to see you documenting progress, when the journey can seem quite slow or stagnant at times.

Again, thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it.

ITL

 

[Iam]

Thanks for reading it and responding ITL.....I really was confused and it sure shows in what I wrote....non terribly coherent. Better today though!

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Good luck with you session Iam. I ask my therapist weekly if he thinks I am crazy messed up. He always tells me no, and then describes me as having emotional response to trauma (in very therapist language). I have a team of two people and will be seeing them both today. I will be asking them again if they think I am crazy messed up, I'm sure of it. The more I tell them the more concerned I get that they will think I am. I think this must be pretty normal. I know they talk about me, they have told me that they talk to each other to get updates on my condition and treatment and even have meetings together to go over my case with other therapists in the centre. I know this has to happen in order for me to get the help I need. Having a good team is so important to recovery and that is what I focus on, recovery anyway possible. Your new therapist sounds like a great match for you! Let us know how you go.

 

[Iam]

Thanks for your encouragement Sufferer ;o) Sounds like it is good that your "team" works in the same center. I understand the feeling "crazy messed up" and wondering what your T's think. I don't ask every session but I do ask occassionally.

Yesterdays EMDR session was fairly easy....well, I couldn't focus on doing the EMDR, which turned out to be ok and we did try again at the end of the session. Instead we talked about what the therapist wants to accomplish. She brought out a book explaining how we get trapped emotionally at certain developmental stages. And those "egos" become protective monsters, protecting the adult me from pain. These ways of protecting were the only ways I could do it when I was a child thru adolescent, but are no longer needed or appropriate. Not new info but a new way of presenting it. Somehow thinking of the intense reactive emotions as attached and coming from this "younger ego" makes it easier to grasp onto. We will be working thru learning how to sooth her. God it all sounds so crazy!

I am betting that we are going to be doing more learning how to ground before we get into the "intense feelings" or traumas. I HATE this stuff! I know I have to do it, but I really, really hate it.

 

[Iam]

Had my 4th EMDR session today and it went great! We switched to using nature sounds. I was worried that the music would evoke memories itself, plus I found I was busy trying to figure out what piece and who the composer was. The nature sounds worked better. We tried and succeeded in reaching the "little hurt girl" in me. The whole thing really was quite amazing. Very visual. The things that came up and the ways the little girl acted kind of blew me away. At one point the little girl acted liked she was ignoring me, but was very aware that I was there. I could see in her eyes that she wanted to act out. Then she tried to engage by splashing water on me in the stream we were at. I tried to playfully chase and play with her but she pulled away. Wouldn't let me that close. There was one point where something happened. I don't know what, but it was like a bolt of terror and I pulled the headphones off and threw the clickers out of my hand. It was instantaneous, very fast and powerful, but passed as quickly as it came. Lots of emotions came up, fear, sadness, distrust, I guess some anger if she wanted to act out.

I asked why my T choose to be a trauma specialist and found out that it is because of her own personal history. It is comforting to know that she truly "gets it". Maybe it's why she is so commpassionate and gentle. I do thinK EMDR with her is working and will continue to work for me. It reaches the core that has been unreachable. I left feeling very positive and relaxed :)