Sexual Assault Wishing I Had Handled It Differently

[anonymous]

I was raped. I know it wasn't my fault and I did the best I could have done under the circumstances. Most of what I did was automatic anyway almost like survival instinct just took over. But still I keep thinking about it, picking it all apart and wishing I could have stood up for myself. Even if that meant being killed or seriously injured.

I'm angry at myself over the most ridiculous things. Like the fact that he took my clothes off before he hit me or used any physical force. He was (pretending to be) nice when he did that and I said no several times but was laughing nervously at the same time. He probably thought I was joking. I'm not sure if it was his intention to rape me the whole time or if were just something he decided to do impulsively. He went from being ok to incredibly violent in a flash. It feels like I should have fought him then while I still felt in control of the situation. I can understand why I didn't try to stop him after he hit me but I feel like I deserved it because I let him take my clothes off in the first place. I know how irrational that sounds but it doesn't change how I feel. There are other particular things that happened later which bother me too. At the time I was afraid that he would kill me if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted but sometimes it feels like I would have served myself better to have fought him and died as a result. I feel like I deserved to die because I was so pathetic throughout the whole thing and didn't do enough to try and stop it. This is even more irrational because even I couldn't have stopped it anyway.

How can I stop obsessing over this and put it behind me?

 

[RussH]

No, it would not have served better if you fought and died. You were a victim and he took advantage of you. The fact is, you told him no, and you told him several times. You did not deserve it; any of it. When he was disrobing you, and you told him no, he should have honored that.

No one know how they will act in that situation, and you did w

Please to not blame yourself for what he did. He took advantage of you and violently assualted you. it was ac crimminal act. You are innocent of any wrong doing.

 

[arfie]

I call this, "Dancing with the Duhs." Shoulda, coulda, woulda..." Well, DUH!!!

This is a dizzy little dance that can keep me spinning circles forever with the mighty power of my 20-20 hindsight, greatly enhanced by my imagination. Some of the circles are realistic. Some are utterly absurd. Most spiral between the extremes. All are moot, because done is done and can't be redone, no matter how many new duhs I add to the dance.

It's a tough memory to live with. Accepting it unconditionally was my way to leave it in the past. You pretty much covered it with:

Most of what I did was automatic anyway almost like survival instinct just took over.

Be gentle with yourself. Time has no meaning in the healing process.

 

[nursenurse]

I hope and pray that you have sought out some professional help for this. Do not be so hard on yourself. Guilt should have no place in these situations, but it is entirely human to think about what you might have done, we all do it when things go awry. Somewhere down the line those kinds of things need to be laid to rest. The fact of the matter is that someone exerted power over you that you had no control of. He is the wrong, guilty party here, and I wish him every night full of bedbugs the rest of his life. For you, you need peace, and a competent therapist can help you put everything into perspective. No means no. He is not only guilty in the heart, but the law says so as well. He is a criminal. Remind yourself of that. Look after yourself the way you would look after a beloved relative. With tenderness and patience.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I really feel for you I felt the same way for a long time. I was also raped I was asleep and woke up I struggled for a while but it was too late. I felt such guilt, he wasn't violent I just lay there and let it happen. I do still feel guilt sometimes but mostly it's rage I feel now.

Try telling yourself out loud it wasn't your fault everyday. We say the opposite so often even if we didn't believe it for a start we begin to after time. Practice some self care look after, don't be so hard on yourself. I t doesn't matter what we think we should have done it's never going to change what happened. If someone you knew told you what happened to you happened to them would you say to them they should have........ No, don't be harder on yourself than you would to anyone else, it's not fair in you.

Xx

 

[Hydrotroop91]

You said no. And the way my T put it was amazing and wonderful to help me rethink the situation! So with Rape and assault we do not ever prepare for it or know how to prepare for it. We don't think it will happen to us. But let's look at another trauma for instance car wrecks. We have car insurance, have camera phones, or disposable cameras in our car, taught what to do in emergencies, and even prep by having things like a spare tire, tools, safe blankets, water, first aid kits, AAA, etc.... No one typically freaks out too baad in a wreck and we know how to drive around an accident. The emergency responders are well trained for this. We know how to exchange our information and proceed like nothing happened if our nerves where shaken up.

But in this society/day and age sex is so taboo. Men think that they are above the women and we have to listen to them. Look at all the women in music videos, movies, and video games they are dressed poorly appear dumb and hardly ever have significant roles other than to look hot for the males, cook them food, or serve them. Look at the school that banned yoga pants and skinny jeans because it was too distracting for the males telling our young women that the men's education is more important than theres and they'll be sent home if dressing like that. We slut shame as a society and say well she dressed like that so she deserves the treatment as such. And this is wrong! I don't care if I am butt ass naked I am not asking for your comments on my appearance and definately want nothing to do with your dick!

Back to the car reference. We are not taught what to do in this situation. It is new to us and unheard of! With PTSD you have fight, flight, or FREEZE. Freeze develops if the first two failed. My T taught me this. You said no that was your fight. And after the violence I assume that the flight became difficult. So you froze and it happened. Do not kick yourself because of that pig!! Sometimes we can't change our situation. And I finally realized this. During my assault I was cornered. I fought back by saying no and that I was on my period. He slapped me and pinned me against the wall. I even bit him but after so many swings and not being able to get free I froze. I used to blame myself for going out, being that drunk, and talking to the guy. Those thoughts hurt, are destructive, and WRONG!! I did try to get free and I did say NO!

Don't torture yourself for some other jack ass's mistakes! I hope this made sense. I am at school and it is very busy around me so focuasing was a bit hard. And I hope it was helpful.

 

[Suzetig]

No, it wouldn't have been better if you had fought and possibly died during the attack. Saying no is saying no, I understand the feelings of wishing you had done things differently but nothing makes this your fault. You said you thought he would kill you - when we honestly believe our lives are in danger, we process things differently and can end up feeling guilt and shame where there should be none. It's something I'm struggling so much with just now but you need to keep telling yourself it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have stopped it and put the blame where it belongs. With the person who attacked and raped you.

 

[WillyKat]

I agree with the other posters about fighting back. Your instincts took over and you are still here.

We all wish we could have fought back, or as @arfie said, coulda, shoulda, woulda. But when you're threatened and weaker, your instincts make an ancient calculation: better to not fight back, better to dissociate and live to fight back another day.

I think I struggle with this too, at some deeper level. I understand what you say about knowing in a rational sense that you (or rather, we) did the best we could but not being able to feel that we did the best we could. My T keeps telling me that there are different levels of knowing this stuff. We understand it the way we understand how to change a tire but we don't feel the weight lifting of our shoulders.

Even so, we both had other options of handling it only in hindsight. At the time, we couldn't have seen the direction things would go. Who could? So we were blind to what was about the happen and did what was sensible at the time. It seems to me that what preceded being hit was perfectly normal, healthy, and natural behavior. It's what people do and there's not a damn thing wrong with it. He is the one that chose to turn it in a different direction.

These feelings you have, that you could have acted differently. That is how he wants you to feel. That's part of his poison he put in your mind.

 

[anonymous]

@arfie you speak wisely! I will remind myself every time that it is in the past and can not be changed.

Knowing that others have felt the same is both upsetting and reassuring. Rape doesn't end when the crime is over. It feels like it really began afterwards. It has been 5 years and it still hurts, I'm still afraid and alone. I'm going to a therapist soon.