Wishing It All Could End

[Rabecca]

I sit here everyday with a bag of old pill just waiting for the day I am brave enough to end my suffering. I have flashbacks so bad I can physically fill the pain of being raped, I hear and smell things from my past. I just don't know how much longer I can handle this all. The flashbacks are not getting any less the are actually getting worse because I keep remembering things about my pass.. New memories really makes a big mess of things. So I sit here everyday waiting for the right day the right time to just end it all.

 

[Codladh]

I can understand that. It is exactly how I feel when I am hit with a run of flashbacks. Just remember,it will pass. Those pills won't just be the end of your suffering,they will be the end of you. Your life is worth living. You are worth the fight. Stay strong.

And physically rest! My therapist once told me how our bodies are designed to rest after a trauma (and flashbacks are traumatic and exhausting ). ...just think about how thousands of years ago, if a human got attacked by an animal they would go into a cave and stay there until they were ready to come out again. They took the time to heal and get over the shock. These days we come from a traumatic flashback...straight into crowds in shops,pepole at work,phone calls,texts,tweets etc......we never get to just switch off and just let our fear system cool down.

Sorry if I have gone on a bit. I just understand 100% where you are. I wish you the best. Take care ❤

 

[Hope1969]

Whenever I have flashbacks I want to die. Every time. When the flashback pass the need to die disappear.

Maybe part of you wanted to die when the rape happened. I don't know. But it is just a feeling. It will pass. It will pass.

Do you have a T? Can you talk to someone about it? Is there a hot line for emergency calls in your country so you can call and speak.

What works for me is rest and going out. Even to the grocery store.

Hang on there. It is just a feeling which is part of the flashback. It will pass.

Hug if it's ok with you.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, @Rabecca. Try and remember that what you want is for the pain to stop - and being dead won't actually accomplish that, it will instead take away any and all chances to stop the pain.

What would it take, do you think, for you to get rid of your bag of pills? If you can't imagine getting rid of them (I understand, I've been there too) - can you think of a way to make them harder to get to? Lock them up somewhere, not your home?

Please let us know how you are doing. I'm glad you wrote - breaking the silence is really important, and takes courage too.

 

[Powder]

I sit here everyday with a bag of old pill just waiting for the day I am brave enough to end my sufferi...

Rabecca, I haven't read your other posts yet to know, but do you have a Dr. or way to get support right now?

I have been there a few times. And I agree that it's part of the traumatic experience flashback and the amount of retraumatization of having those kinds of flashbacks does to you. It puts part of you right back in the same pain.

Prososin is used for nightmares, and after slowing increasing the dose, and taking it during the day, it has been shown to reduce flashbacks and body memories associated with them 90%.

Please don't give up. Fight.

 

[Hope1969]

I sit here everyday with a bag of old pill just waiting for the day I am brave enough to end my sufferi...

How are you today?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Rabecca I suspect most of us here have been where you are now, I know I have, the best thing you can do right now is reach out, and reach out again until your needs are met. I hope you don't get impulsive and take those pills, I can tell you from experience (many time) that overdoses almost never are successful, they just cause you more misery, and often make your situation worse both in those around you and with your health. Statistically overdoses are show to rarely be successful. So its not worth even trying.