Wits End With Myself

[Nighteyes]

Isolation

I'm at my wits end with myself. I've got not a single person in my life that I can talk to, nor do I even really know how to anymore. My "life" right now consists of my over active, over intelligent, extreme two year old son.

I have zero people I'd call friends, zero acquaintances, and as I see it zero family.
I have nothing in my eyes. A fiancé that I currently can't stand at all!! Am extremely un attracted too, with no faith in him at all. ( which is a new thing, lack of trust I have always had but the rest is new and don't know why)

I just lost my best friend of 18 years to a horrible tragic accident, and like always I'm suppose to just "get over it and move on"

I'm just so lost.

I define myself ( oddly enough not everyone else) by what I do, and a stay at home "mother" is garbage to me. It's worthless and useless in my eyes.

I career hunt all the time but since my social skills suck, so does my networking skills, hunting doesn't achieve much. I'm over qualified for my old field, and under qualified for professional field. And so I feel a complete failure.

Mothering is unenjoyable and extremely unrewarding to me. Noting it was something I never wanted to begin with, but something I am.

I hate my self so much. And I'm sure I give All I come in contact with that impression. Socially awkward.

Uh. And as u can probably see unable to articulate a single though at a time as mind is running a mile a minute about everything.

Just loosing hope that life ever get better.

My entire childhood was abuse tell I graduated highschool and moved 5 hr away. Then all it's been if one up hill battle to be shoved back down again and struggle to fight again. I'm so done fighting. Tired of trying to succeed and pretending thing will ever be okay.

 

[Empathy]

I'm so sorry you feel this way,I've struggled and still do with feeling this way as well.
Losing you're friend to a horrible accident is aweful.I think it's unfair and untrue that you're just supposed to get over it and move on.It's a hard thing to deal with especially on top of everything else you're trying to deal with.

Maybe to work on your social skills you could join a mommy and baby play group?Alot of moms are starved for adult conversation,I know I was when I had my son.I know you say you're socially awkward but I think if you found the right play group you'd find someone you'd like and find it a bit easier to talk to them.Also if you start socializing in a play group you're social skills will become better than what you say they are and help with job interviews

You sound really stressed out about alot,even about being a mother.Do you have anyone that you trust to watch your son?Even just for a few hours to get out of the house and get you're nails or hair done or a walk?If not what about daycare for like 3 hours one day a week?It'll give you a bit of a break once a week so you can destress and do something that will make you feel better about yourself.

I know it's probably hard to think that anything will help you to feel better about yourself,but it's possible.It took me quite awhile to find something but once I did I started to feel better about myself and things don't feel so overwhelming and hopeless as frequently as it once did.Even something as simple as soaking in a bubble bath can be helpful.

 

[Nighteyes]

Empathy: I thank you for your reply, even more so that you actually somewhat understood all the ramblings. I have attempted the "mommy group" thing back when my son was born but its again not something I am good with or really interested in. But the suggestion was nice. I do put myself out of my comfort zone all the time for my son, cause well who the heck wants to grow up to be a basket case with no one? I have been told by a therapist that although PTSD affects me in every way, I have the added burden of being over intelligent and under stimulated, and that makes my PTSD all that much worse apparently because there’s a social level I should be on but cant manage because of the issues surrounding the past. My therapist even stated that I was to intelligent for him to help properly because I know about everything he talks about and generally does with clients but none work cause my intellect is at war with my emotional and physical side he has stated. He had my tested for MENSA and all that goop just to prove I was to smart for my own good. I cant seem to connect my intelligence to the remainder and figure this “healing” stuff out.

I can see it for everyone else, but I’m sure most can, but not me. I’m unfixable on every level.

I am extremely over stressed with life. Nothing has ever been good, and I am unaware of what “happiness” is. I’m going to destroy my kids life because of that.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, it takes all I have (which isn’t much) to get out of bed in the morning to watch him, it’s a “job” I hate!!! And find no joy in, however I don’t find joy in anything but my profession or education, course that goes back to being intelligent and mind distracting so I cant focus on the past and how it lives in my present. Le sigh.

<Edited by CB - removed text formatting.>

 

[Empathy]

You're not unfixable,no one is "unfixable".Have you tried different kinds of therapy?Since you're quite intelligent maybe normal psychology and psychiatry won't help because you already know it,but what about creative therapy?I'm seeing this youth pastor/councilor(sp) and everytime I would talk about what happened to me I would dissociate so it wasn't really working then he asked me to draw out how I feel when I'm at my lowest.I was shocked at the next meeting when he interpreted it,he managed to uncover some of the reasons behind why I felt that way that I hadn't even come to relize before.

Since mommy groups didn't work for you have you tried taking him out for one on one time?Like out swimming just you and him for an afternoon or something?I used to love doing that with my son.I didn't have to talk to anyone I didn't want to,though eventually I started to answer questions that other people were asking about my son (like his age and stuff).

Don't take this the wrong way but it sounds a bit like you're not fully bonded with you son.Now that's not to say you don't love him or anything like that,I don't think any mother could not love their child.The fact that you do get out of bed to look after him is a sign in it's self that you do love him.I loved my son from the time I found out I was pregnant but it wasn't untill two days after he was born that I actually felt attached and bonded with him,we watched the sunrise through the window in the hospital room I was in and for some reason that did the trick for me.It's just an assumption from what you've written and it doesn't always work but maybe try doing something with you're son that you enjoy and that you'd think he'd enjoy.

 

[SydneyH]

I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to comfort you. I'm so sorry you are hurting, that the stress and pain is overwhelming. Six months ago, my marriage was in pieces because I had destroyed it, and I hated myself and my whole life. Every day, every moment, was misery.

Some back corner of my brain must have had a survival instinct though, because at least once a day I would find myself enjoying something. One tiny thing. Maybe a moment of silence, sitting in my car. Or maybe that first sip of coffee. Or seeing my kids and realizing that my life belongs to them -- that I do matter.

Please try to find your moment.