Wondering if I Qualify? Do I have PTSD?

[Shadow]

Hello
I am pretty sure I have PTSD, but I don't know if it will ever be diganosed because it was caused by doctors.

I have alot of help always, but I'd like to talk to someone who can relate.

I have a wonderful husband who has helped me so much and a cute 2 mo old daughter, so I'm reletively happy right now, but I'd like to not be broken anymore.

I'm not ready to trust someone who claims the title "doctor" enough to help me with this problem but I don't know how much more my home base can do.

The root of my problem was a very bad peditrition who touched me like a living piece rotted steak and talked over my head like I couldn't comprehend what was going on or like I didn't matter.He made me feel non-human and dirty.

Going to the doctor was always like a punishment when I was growing up. "Don't play near that wood pile you'll fall and I'll have to take you to the doctor and you'll have to get stitches."

My greatgrandmother died of cancer when I was little but to me she was sick after she'd just gotten back from the doctor. She would come back from a surgery after they took off another piece or after chimo all lethargic and dead-looking. Between visits she livened up.

I'll have debilitating nightmares which I will only half wake up from. I don't really remember what happenes when that happenes, but I've been told I try to scratch off my skin where I feel especially dirty.

That doesn't seem too dangersous on an overall scale, but other things worry me.

My daughter was born in our bathtub because I fell asleep there and didn't walke up until she was crowning and I'm trying to find out if it was subconsciously intentional. I don't know if I knew my water broke before I took the bath.

I've done stuff like that before like when I was six I fell and gashed my ankle open. My aunt wanted to "see incase you need stitches." I showed her my scrathced knee and hid my ankle saying that was what was wrong then gave myself three stitches when I got home.

I find myself wondering "am I right to feel so wrong? He was only doing his job." Alot feeling like I don't deserve help because I shouldn't have a problem because I wasn't raped, just touched medically.

 

[anthony]

Hi Shadow, welcome along.

Do you qualify? From what you have written, I think your safe to say you don't have PTSD, however; how you feel could well be traumatic to you, thus could develop into PTSD if these thoughts and feelings are left untouched. If you look at [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread6.html"]PTSD symptoms[/DLMURL], you will identify yourself whether you are borderline PTSD or more likely Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSS), or as I possibly suspect, possibly more an anxiety of doctors. Every individual is different to what they perceive as traumatic.

You really do need to seek professional counselling now, and not leave this unchecked, or you could very well develop PTSD because of your thoughts. A counsellor is not a doctor, so hopefully you won't have problems speaking with them. I really can't highlight this enough... you need to seek counselling before this gets further out of control. You don't want PTSD, trust me, and everyone else on this board. It is life controlling, and life threatning. Every day becomes a battle to just live.

A counsellor, social worker or psychologist (psychologists are not doctors) needs to be sort for immediate counselling.

I hope that gives you some insight to what is wrong. If you read some of the posts within the PTSD Chat section, you will get an idea of some of the problems those with PTSD have, ie. the symptoms showing repetitively. If you have these type issues within yourself, then you could already have PTSD... but I don't think you do, though I couldn't tell simply through chatting across this forum either.

Please seek some counselling now, to help you through sorting your intrusive thoughts, before it gets worse. Keep us upto date on your progress please. I would love to know your getting help and working through problems, and hopefully get better.

 

[Shadow]

Thanks for the welcome.

I have had all of those symptoms in my childhood. I've lost most of the arousal ones and some of the avoidance.

When I was littlier I started a sort of tourcher regiment to dull myself to physical pain so when asked, I could say I didn't hurt. When no where hurts, they don't take you in.

From about 12-15 I drifted through life in a numb state. I could not feel anything. All emotions became alien and I felt safe that way. I could remember and feel as if It wasn't me. I felt sort of half asleep, lost alot of weight because I didn't enjoy eating. Any food was just food like every day was just blank. I stopped drawing and wrighting. I still played my violin in school, but I stopped caring and became bad at it. All I wanted to do was nothing; if I could do nothing I wouldn't have to feel anything or deal with people. I would zone out and stare through everything like you do when you look through a fire. I liked to do this through a book because the only people who notice spend too much time paying attention. When that happened I would look up and stare through their eyes, which they all seemed to find very disturbing and would generally leave. It was funny because I couldn't read. I would read through a book and not remember anything any of it because I would just read word to word. I would jump at any sound I wasn't staring at the source of. If I could see you open the door, I would be ok when it shut, but if you came in behind me, I would jump and my heart would race and I'd zone out.
After I found out my younger half-sister was doing drugs and didn't feel any way about it I decided to get feeling back.
I would force my self to cry everyday. It started out as a dry, forced physical thing, but after a few months it became true as I began to actually feel sad.
When I could feel again I'd realized I had blocked myself entirely from every one in my world except for the phantoms I had made up to talk to at night when I couldn't sleep to keep from having flashbacks.
I felt alone and so sad, only happy for maybe an hour each day when I walked my dog at dusk, or when it rained. I would call those I believed cared, which were usually aquaintences I'd looked up in the phone book and was met with indiffrence. After awhile I felt my phantoms were the only ones who really cared and became suicidal, but when I was sawing at my arm with a steak knife, I heared my cousin crying in my head. I realized how badly I would selfishly hurt all my family if they found me that way. I stopped and called her.

I've begun to actually live and really the only problems I have now are waking up in a flashback and avoiding Them and I feel I need to help share how I've come so far because EVERYONE deserves a way to cope.

 

[anthony]

You know, I think I have some sort of amazing talent these days to get more out of people. From your first post, I would say you don't come close to PTSD, but the second is a bit more depth. The thing is, is how do you feel now? You said you have had all these symptoms during your life, but do you have them nearly all at once?

I guess more to the point... maybe you have had PTSD since only being little, or some reminence off it, and just didn't know it!!! Have you been counselled before now? It interests me, that if you have had PTSD for so long untreated, and slowly made yourself cope to a point where you possibly do have PTSD, but are at the stage similar to myself, where I can cope with certain parts of normal day to day living...

How do you cope now? Do you work full-time? Do you get stressed each day, whether work or just life? How often are your dreams and when do you get flashbacks? (specifically speaking - do you get flashbacks nightly, weekly or every now and then when you are having a bad day, stessed or over anxious about something) Do you get anxious still where your shaking, or your body shuts down to protect yourself?

I'm very interested in exactly how bad you have been in the past (mentally speaking) compared to your life now. You sound like you have brought yourself a long way through life from pieces of possible trauma, to a state where life exists quite normally, as you said, apart from some dreams now.

Please tell me more.

 

[Shadow]

I've talked to some school concilers before and one teacher who used to be a psychologist, but I don't think that would qualify as counciling I have recieved, and certainly never for PTSD because that NEVER came up.

I feel like I cope well now with only little boughts of regression, but these last a week TOPS while I used to be living it.

I had a full time job until I was about 6mo. pregnant, but I didn't stop because of stress, it was just more logical for me to stay home.
I don't get stressed each day anymore, but very minor things will get me misty eyed like not cleaning every day. Vleaning was one of the ways I distracted myself when I felt like I may have a flashback. Moving "My Stuff" in "My House" seemed to make me feel safe. As I cleaned I would recite to myself "This is My Laundry;it smells like me, like My Home and I'm touching it therefore I'm here and they can't touch me." So the dishes not being done is something I may cry over if I'm too busy to do them. I can cheer up just as easily now though.

If there isn't anything especially taxing or stressful I will have a flashback nightmare once every 2-3 mo. Whenever there is something medically iminant I will have them almost nightly from the time I first hear about it until I'm sure it's over entirely.
Pregnancy was very stressful this way. Everytime we'd set up a prenatal appointment I would freak like a deer in the road all day until I'd go into fight-or-flight. We found out that fight-or-flight was cutting off the blood supply to her and she had a 50% chance of dying each time so we eventually decided it was more hurtful than potentially helpful and botched all of it.
She's wonderfully healthy though.

Yes I still shut down after one of those hyperventalate wide-eyed on the floor because either They're there or can get me episodes. My husband finds that one of the scarist things I do (the shutting down).

Other than what I've said I don't really know how else to explain how bad I was. Any specifics?I've talked to some school concilers before and one teacher who used to be a psychologist, but I don't think that would qualify as counciling I have recieved, and certainly never for PTSD because that NEVER came up.

 

[Shadow]

p.S every time I post I have to copy it before hand because it will all blink off and log me out.

 

[anthony]

That will be an issue on your computer, ie. cache needs to be cleared, or some little useless virus will be affecting minor things. Try cleaning up your system and deleting all cached content from your browser, and that should fix the problem.

 

[Shadow]

It's not my computer! haha

 

[YoungAndAngry]

hmmm... I've never had that problem with this forum...?

 

[anthony]

You will find it is a browser setting, or small bug in the system. I have experienced it myself with some forums, where things just conflict. I cleaned up my system cache and so forth, and all was good. Software firewalls can also conflict with forums, such as Norton, which is absolute shite and does nothing to protect your system.