Worst Dissociation Ever In Session Front

[Maggiemay]

Saw T today. In the middle of a 6 week manic episode caused by quetiapine. Still waiting to see psych. T said she'd never seen me this bad in the whole 2 years she's known me. Oops! & she's beginning to worry that it's not easing :( We talked about ways to calm myself down, including relaxation exercises.

Somehow something very strange happened. I dissociated worse than I ever have in front of someone. :'( 1st of all my vision went - her carpet started then everything became very distant. Don't know where I was but I wasn't in the room!!

Suddenly any noises were loud and overpowering - felt like I was being touched & any noise startled me. Even the birds & clock were sensory overload. I ended up scrunched up feeling very unsafe & small. I struggled to say anything :( I tried closing my eyes, shaking my head a lot, cleaning my glasses, anything to try & reconnect but I was gone. Scratched myself to try & feel my body as had gone numb but wouldn't work :(

I also got incredibly hot - T had to open the window & give me water to try & ground me.
It was pretty horrifc.

I dissociated a lot yet it's never been this bad in front of people before. Very worrying. Feel I've let her into just how f*cked up I am... :( Can't work out the trigger but apparently we were talking about relaxation - I spoke about when I was hospitalised & it was recommended - how it's ok in the moment but then makes me worse. Not quite sure where I went but couldn't talk :(

 

[seedling]

@maggiemay,Sorry it was so overwhelming so suddenly. I'm glad you were with your T and in a safe enough place.

Feel I've let her into just how f*cked up I am..

You put a sad face on this comment, but this could be a good thing. For some part of you to let someone see this happen to you, that's a big step in the "trust someone" department.

I don't like to let people see "just how f*cked up I am" either but I also feel relieved when it happens (after I've gotten back to reality). It's seen the light of day and I've survived it.

I hope you feel better and that you feel your T helped you through it.

 

[Maggiemay]

She said when she checked out I was ok last night that it means I trust her. I'm not so sure - I had no control over it. Hate this bit of me :( Still not quite with it this morning & so much to do...

 

[seedling]

I had no control over it.

No conscious control at the time, scary. I think she's right though. I'm so glad that you've found a T that you can trust like that (somewhere inside of you).
Even if it doesn't feel like 'trust' to you, maybe all it has to be, for now, is some part of you willing to work on it with this person; the desire to move forward with the support you have in her and inside yourself.

Hate this bit of me

The self-hatred can be nasty. I get shocked by how strong it is for me when it comes up. I think I've (started) to sense the pain behind it.

feeling very unsafe & small.

Sending some compassion your way for that part of you that's hurting so much. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@Maggiemay sounds like it was because you were triggered severly.

:hug:

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks @seedling I still am not sure about the trust thing. Going through a phase of she doesn't know how to help me fybogel& things like this don't help! :( I'm getting better at the whole self hatred thing but definitely still there. Think whenever I went it was a Mon verbal place as I felt so small & struggled to talk.

@Junebug - I think I was but annoying thing is I can't work out the trigger :s
x

 

[Tinyflame]

@Maggiemay maybe talking about it was. It will come to you eventually. :hug:

 

[Maggiemay]

Got through appointment to see psych on 11th April - hopefully I'll get the help I need... Worrying already I won't be able to talk :( & T not coming as working - boo!!