Worst Panic Attack I Have Had Yet.

[Deleted member 26314]

I have a thing about showers, my trauma didn't have anything to do with them, but I can't help but feel vulnerable and very open when I do have them. I man it up and shower normally. Ever since my traumatic event, I have felt lightheaded and dizzy when I get in the shower, I'll be in there for about 5 minutes and then my heart starts racing, I start shaking and I get very lightheaded and dizzy and feel as though I am going to fall over. I orriginally thought it might be due to the heat of the shower, but I have had many cold showers where the same thing happens and I have had it happen once or twice without even being near a shower. Anyway, I usually power through it and make sure I eat and drink something afterwards just to be on the safe side.

Today was honestly, hands down, the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I was in the shower as normal, I started to feel lightheaded and dizzy and my vision started to blur so I thought it was fine, stepped out of the shower and waited for it to pass and then got back into finish off rinsing my hair. But then I had another, worsened wave of lightheadedness, this time I practically went blind. My vision was so blurred I couldn't see a thing, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest at any moment, I felt sick, my head felt like it had swollen up and I couldn't think or do anything, my hearing also went. All I could feel was the shower water and I literally had to get on my knees and crawl out of the shower. I stayed on my hands and knees, completely soaked and naked, I felt so vulnerable and helpless. I was terrified, I still am, I feel violated even though nothing happened except from some kind of panic attack. Anyways, I grabbed my towel, wrapped it around me and crawled to the stairs, still pretty much blind and deaf. I sat on the stairs for about 10 minutes before my vision slowly came back, and my hearing did too. I felt really disorientated, it's only now I actually remember what happened exactly, before that when I was on the stairs, I was really confused as to how the hell I got on the stairs.

It scared me so much. I don't know how to deal with it anymore, I felt like I was going to die. And it makes me frightened to get in the shower again... I don't see my therapist until the 21st and I can't avoid showers for 3 weeks. Any advice? Does anyone else experience this?

EDIT: I was just thinking, could this, instead of it being a panic attack, been a reaction to a trigger - like some kind of intense reaction to the same feelings as what I had during my trauma? (the same vulnerability, fear etc). Since I usually get the similar type of panic when I am triggered by more physical things but on a lesser scale (no vision or hearing loss). Or is this a panic attack? I'm new to this and the terminology etc, so forgive me if I'm getting a bit confused.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm new to the terminology too but I wanted to help you with what I could.

I can get really faint and tunnel vision, lose time and similar, it's horrible and scary.

From a practical view, you don't need to shower. Options include. Bath, sponge bath, just wash essential parts, bath wearing swimming costume or even clothes. You also don't have to wash yourself every day. Maybe you should take a few days off.

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like you had a panic attack in response to the trigger of a shower and the trigger of the internal feelings of vulnerability that a shower stirs up for you.

Panic is really hard to endure - I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you are thinking through it well.

 

[ButterflyBean]

That must've been a horrible experience! Could you possibly journal it, or even email your tor call her about it? No one should have to bear those feelings alone and it might be best to reach out for support. I like the suggestion above; find alternate ways to get the hygiene you need without triggering a panic attack or flashback. Maybe brainstorm this with your therapist? Good luck!

 

[WillyKat]

ghotiff is right. There are alternatives.

You don't need to respond with personal details. But it may help to think about if your trauma had anything to do with water, heat, confined space, or being distracted (the noise of the shower, inability to see clearly), or having your back turned. There may be some subtle or not-obvious connection in there that acts as a trigger for you. Your ability to understand that connection may help.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

I thought about alternatives, but they're all quite difficult to pull off. My mum doesn't know anything about what is going on, I know I should tell her and I will when I'm ready, so getting a bath every other night or whatever is 1) expensive (the water and such) and 2) my mum finds it weird I get baths so often anyway. Also, since my hair is so long washing it in the bath is tough and I do have the option of washing my hair over the bath (i.e. flipping my head over and washing it upside down, in theory, but I get the same lightheadedness (only from having my head upside down for so long)).

I think the loudness of the fan and the shower water and the fact I get all hot and bothered in the shower is what sets it all off, as well as the generally feelings of vulnerability and such. But I'm not quite sure how to remedy that, other than avoiding showers all together, but like I said, the alternatives are difficult. But I'll have a go at getting a few baths over the next couple days and see what my mum does/says. And then I'll bring it up with my therapist in the next couple weeks.

Thank you all for your replies, I do appreciate it.

 

[xena21]

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I can relate with the shower. I don't understand it myself, but I get short of breath and uptight so much when I step into a shower. So much so, that I stopped showering. I only shower now when I absolutely need to. I usually have to get in about once a week because I volunteer every Wednesday and my hair gets very greasy.

I hate the whole process. It terrifies me. I figured it was like that for others, but I just never heard it before. I'm sorry it's so bad for you too.

 

[ghotiff]

I don't want to encourage you to hide things from your mum but I also don't know your situation so I won't comment further on this and will instead comment on what options you may have.

Maybe the first thing to work out is what makes it worst. For example if it's being naked, showering in swimmers might work, and you could hide that. Running the shower and pretending that you had one (make sure to splash water on the floor to mimic you getting out). If the problem is being under the water...Put a bucket, or just use a washer/sponge and sponge yourself outside (or after the shower is off) the shower using water from the shower.

Washing hair is much harder. Maybe only wash it every other day. Do you swim? Could you wash it (no shampoo) by swimming? There is a method for cleaning oils out if your hair by adding talc into your hair and then brushing it out. I've done it, it works kind of okay.

I'm so sorry that this is a difficulty for you and I hope you find something that works for you.

Please feel free to ask for more ideas if these don't work for you.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

I couldn't bare the thought of not showering, I'm such a clean freak and I see my boyfriend every couple days so it'd be quite bad if I didn't shower, or if I at least didn't wash my hair every night. It get's really greasy after a day and because it's so thick and long, the only way to remedy that is by showering. I've come to the resolution that I might have to just have quick showers to literally just wash my hair and then get a bath in the morning or a simple wash to avoid the longer periods of me being anxious and getting hot and stuffy..

I'm not sure. Thank you though!

 

[ghotiff]

Good luck :)

 

[Grace Hope]

Well I never, someone other than me who gets panic attacks in the shower. With me I can`t get into a bath and have a relaxing soak either.

Do not give up. See this as a challenge and realise that one day you will be able to shower without anxiety.

Think about doing this. Pick your time to shower, let it run for a bit and try to regulate your breathing. When you are ready get in to the shower do it a bit at a time or take a breath and just get in. Use positive thinking ( I am safe, there is nothing to be scared of, I relax while having my shower, I let go of my fear). In the bathroom add some nice things to your ablution time, try candles, music, aromatherapy oils or incense. If you can get the hang of visualisation try seeing yourself enjoying your shower, the water cleansing your worries away and above all seeing your self not feeling anxious or in a panic.

Try not to worry if you cannot shower every day as often a sponge down or even baby wipes work as well. You can wash your hair over a sink with a bowl of clean water and shampoo by the sink.

This may take time and if you are a bit like me it may mean that this is one of the things that happens to you when your PTSD is triggered, you are over tired or stressed. It can go away, the anxiety in this bit of your life can lessen but it will need to be thought about and worked at. Good luck with your challenge.

 

[xena21]

Does it really get better? I've been trying everything everyone has recommended and nothing has helped me. I hate mirrors and anything to do with the naked body. Showering is out of the question. How do you shower when you can't be naked or even close to naked? I wear flip flops in the shower when I do go in there. It's all disgusting!