Would you stay in contact with the person who molested you?

[OceanSpray]

Absolutely zero judgement if so. This is coming from a place of curiosity and being very deep in my feelings and unsure about a lot of things right now.

 

[Midnightmoon]

The choice to be no contact wasn't mine, I was a minor and then court made that choice for me. As an adult... I have toyed many many times whether to attempt to search for and contact... I don't know if I ever will, and I worry I'll regret it whichever decision I make.

 

[Rose White]

No

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

No.
If in the case of the child, I think we are at a point now where we could tolerate them being a character in our life, (eg. same workplace, schooling environment) but minimal to none social contact is my strong preference. I think the part who connects with that trauma would feel different. Maybe closure would be desired.

In the case of an adult, no. I wouldn’t. Without question.

 

[OceanSpray]

See I feel like it’s supposed to be a no for me as well. But it’s so hard because this person was a million different things to me besides a molester. Many, many positive things that I just can’t find it in me to turn my back on.

 

[Roland]

See I feel like it’s supposed to be a no for me as well. But it’s so hard because this person was a million different things to me besides a molester. Many, many positive things that I just can’t find it in me to turn my back on.

Mine was a million different things to me but primarily negative. So no, I choose peace.

 

[OceanSpray]

primarily negative

Mine is more 50/50 or even 60/40 toward the positive. . . or I’m just so used to them

 

[Roland]

Mine is more 50/50 or even 60/40 toward the positive. . . or I’m just so used to them

Honestly I didn't realize how bad my abuser was for me until I'd been away from him for about 6 months to a year. He was my dad, it's very hard to see your dad in a bad or even evil light.

 

[GrumpyCat]

No. And for me it is a healthy choice. I had more than one, but the others were strangers. My main one is a relative. He is out of my life for good.

 

[thursday]

I know this is a post from last year, but I am now at this stage. It's very tricky indeed. I tried restoring the contact on my terms and that actually worked. But to be honest what were they for me? I don't know them. We differ 7 years. There are 9 years between my oldest brother, who I didn't see much, but have and had a much closer bond with and 10 years with my older sister. We know each other very well. But the twins that grew up in the same house. I honestly don't know who they are./ were. But I feel that it would be good to stop thinking about them as family. Wait, I did this already somehow. Yeah this stupid CPTSD, you don't know what up or down at times.
Now I want to go a step further; they stop being family and have no contact. Will this help? I haven't got a clue.
I hope you can figure it out one day OceanSpray. One thing I know for sure, you are not obliged to have contact with them.

 

[amicableDog6980]

Honestly I didn't realize how bad my abuser was for me until I'd been away from him for about 6 months to a year. He was my dad, it's very hard to see your dad in a bad or even evil light.

I can relate, my abuser was my parents, mainly my dad. It has taken me years to realize it was abuse.

So to the original question, to me, it comes down to who that person is to you. Are they family? Do you love them deeply? If yes then I think it's worth considering staying in contact. For me, I grew up without any kind of boundaries whatsoever. As an adult, I began to make healthy boundaries which then meant things needed to change between my family and me. It was extremely difficult and painful but I said that if they couldn't admit what they did wrong, genuinely apologize, and respect my boundaries then I'd have to completely cut them out of my life until they could do those things. I did have the exception of I wanted to know if someone was dying so I could say goodbye.

So my advice would be what do you need/want for your mental health? It can be anything no matter how unlikely it seems (ya know within the bounds of reality). Make a list of those things, then see how staying in contact or not with this person affects your list.