Writing When You Can't Verbally Express Things

[GWhizz]

Has anyone done this before?

With my previous (and 1st ever) T, I could only communicate the important info about my trauma via writing.

I have recently started with a new T. I hoped I could prevent myself from slipping back into that pattern of writing as I feel it can be a cop out and also that I sometimes say more than I'm probably comfortable saying if it was ever spoken directly. One of the reasons I moved on was because I felt so stuck.

The 1st few weeks with my new T started well. I'm not a quiet person so find it easy making small (non-important) chit-chat.

But now it's getting harder as we approach more uncomfortable issues. This week I feel totally misunderstood so I have been thinking about writing a note about this to bring to therapy next week as I feel I'll probably feel too blocked or zoned out to actually communicate it, just as my intentions to talk it through this week failed. I really want to better explain myself regarding specific topics such as risk, dissociation and an incident where I encountered one of my abusers recently. Afterall, if she doesn't know these things, what's the point in sitting there (getting time off work to do so) and not saying anything relevant?

What do you think? Is it useful to at least see my T's opinion on it considering it's an old cycle I seem to be repeating? Or should I try to just wait it out in the hope that I'll eventually feel capable of speaking?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Just my opinion…I love to journal. I can write lots of things, think about it, change it up a bit, and a lot of times I could get great insights from it. I had a LOT of trouble talking about the severe trauma, and I would usually follow up with an email. My T suggested that I email him once a week. I would email him, and then we could discuss the stuff in the email. It made it so much easier, and he could bring up the topics. I think that if you found something to make trauma a bit easier, good for you. You found something that works, use it. If you are not ready to give it up, so be it. Why spend time struggling with a client over something that will probably fix itself when the client is ready.

I didn't stress about my son's baby behaviors either. He slept in my bed a bit longer that other kids, I let him have a binky until he was 3, since he was so attached and just said - when you are 3 yo will be a big boy and won't need one. On his third birthday he spit it out and never picked it up again. I think you are fine, and will continue to grow as a person using a tool that works for you.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks. I used to email my last T but she then decided we shouldn't do it anymore as she felt she was crossing my boundaries in the end (probably based on an irrational outburst I had at her because I felt she didn't care enough and I wanted more from her).

So I feel kinda weary going down this route again. I don't wanna potentially ruin the therapeutic relationship again because I say something in text that isn't very rational. It was like I had no filter last time!

 

[barefoot]

I think if you found writing things down helpful before, go ahead and try it with this new T. Fwiw, I don't think writing stuff down is a cop out at all - what it's actually doing is enabling you to communicate and share stuff (often painful/difficult/uncomfortable stuff) that you will otherwise keep to yourself.

Of course, you wouldn't want your all your time with your T to be spent with her just sitting reading your notes! And maybe you'll do it initially with a view to cutting down on the writing and increasing your speaking in the future as you get more comfortable with her/with your material.

But I think writing can be a great 'in' if you find speaking in therapy difficult (which, for the record, I do, so I get where you're coming from and understand your frustration)

I journal a bit - though I haven't yet got it nailed to a regular routine yet! And I find that helps me. It sometimes helps because it helps me to think things through and make connections and because sometimes I have some revelatory moments (!) while I'm writing - I'm sometimes surprised by the things that flow out of my pen! So, sometimes, it helps me with therapy because it helps me to identify what I want to talk about in session and that gives me some focus, which makes it a bit easier to say stuff. A couple of times, I've actually handed her the journal so she can read specific bits - this has been because I didn't feel able to say it but if she reads it, she then talks to me about it/probe further about what I've written and I seem to then be able to speak about it.

Another thing I do, which isn't really the same thing, but I do find it helps me to speak - if there's something I really want to talk about, but I know I'm going to have a hard time actually saying it, I'll sometimes text her beforehand saying something very simple like 'There's something I really want to talk to you about today so if it looks like I don't have anything to say when I see you this afternoon, can you please remind me of this?!' It sounds a bit stupid, I think, but it does work for me. I think it's about somehow making myself accountable because I know that if I then refuse to say what it is when I get there and she asks me about it, I'll feel really frustrated and disappointed with myself. My T knows exactly why I do it and is very supportive of it. I've only done it a few times and she always brings it up quite gently and I'll invariably then dance around it for ages and find lots of things to distract myself with! But she'll keep gently coming back to it saying things like 'So...did you want to talk about whatever you were thinking about when you texted me earlier...?' until I can bring myself to say what it is. Like I said, I don't do this very often. But whenever I have done it, we've ended up discussing whatever it was that was on my mind and I really believe that if I hadn't given her the heads up beforehand, I probably would have left without mentioning it and would have been very annoyed with myself.

Whatever works :-)

 

[barefoot]

Just to add, i got so frustrated and furious with myself re going mute in therapy that in the end I forced myself to bring it up with my T so we talked about how difficult I found it, how I didn't understand why it happened, how I came to session knowing what I wanted to talk about but would then leave without saying any of it...it's like my voice just gets hijacked!
And although this was a difficult thing for me to bring up and actually say, it was a really helpful conversation and I was glad that we'd discussed it.
Good luck :-)

 

[Kintsugi]

I used to journal all week about relevant trauma topics and then read my journal to my T. I'm not sure my new T will go for this, so I made a bullet point list this week of topics. However, when we get into the harder stuff, I may need to resort to writing and then reading from that. This is the only way I have discussed my trauma out loud, and it's much more comfortable and productive than attempting to talk off the cuff. :)

PS @barefoot I go mute sometimes, too.

 

[moonbeam]

I go mute as well. I find it way easier to dance around or just avoid topics because they are difficult then beat myself up over it later.

While I understand the value of saying words aloud I think that writing can be a good way to discuss things when words fail. If your choice is use writing or don't discuss it. Its way healthier to use writing.

My T has even done art therapy where I draw stuff (not sexual stuff) but how I felt and emotions and stuff and that has helped me at times to find my voice again. Discussing what the things I drew mean to me and felt can lead gently into discussing the trauma as well.

I think if it works use it. Especially in early days.

 

[Hope4future]

I write a note for each session and even write during sessions if that's easier at the time. I feel guilty about it and like I'm not being brave enough, but in the end it's better than sitting mute and not making progress.

Also, you use a different part of the brain when you write from when you speak, and apparently the writing part of the brain can be easier to access when it comes to trauma.

I wish we all could shut off the ways we judge our process. It is what it is, and if we're healing, then kindness and compassion would seem to be better. Easier said than done.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I understand this so much. Writing is always easier for me, but I think there's a lot of power and progress in moving towards speaking. I'd try a hybrid - reading what's written, bulleted notes to prompt you. I think as long as you're actively working on it, eventually it will resolve.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe it's not a bad pattern. Maybe it's a stepping stone that has never been taken to the next level?

 

[GWhizz]

With my last T we did art therapy too and would discuss that. Or I'd write there and we'd then be able to discuss it a little. But I was never capable of reading any of it aloud.

My problem stems from a period when I became mute as a young teen for a 4 year period. So going back into that traumatised child-like state is very scary for me. I feel like I'm dragged back to that low point in my life.

I definitely agree it can be a method to help bridge the gap between mute and actively engaging verbally.

I just hope this new T doesn't see it as a no-go. She was pretty shocked when I initially told her that I could mostly only write things with my previous T.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi GWhizz,
I was going to post a youtube of a Juliet Turner song about healing through amateur theatre - but it's not up on youtube (bunch of heathens). :-(

There are so many ways to get things out when speech fails and even when conscious memory fails; writing, drawing, play with cuddly toys, talking about songs that cover it, places, weather and times of year that evoke it...

It would be a bit off for a T to expect you to pay to sit there tongue tied, when you can get everything set out in order on paper first.

________________________
Juliet Turner: Theatre for the broken http://www.irishmusicdb.com/t/julietturner/jt_lyrics.htm