Yelling

[Defaultxlove]

I’m trying to be there for a family member that is reliving trauma and they’ve yelled at me like I’m doing something to them personally

I understand their headspace but idk what to say to encourage them out of this state

They’ve said they want to stop letting stuff make them so reactive. I think they may need meds or some intervention in diet or something

But they need me ? So we’ve established not to yell at me
I’ve encouraged a therapist
I’m safe
They’re safe

But I am flabbergasted that my ideas are going on deaf ears maybe and more so frustrated bc idk what else might help

 

[arfie]

when i am supporting someone through a ptsd crisis, i EXPECT irrational behavior and don't expect them to have the awareness to respect my personal needs. that's my job. i believe that expecting rational behavior from someone in a ptsd episode is rather like expecting a drunk to act sober. when i have done what i can and need to tend my own needs, i do so without expecting the person in crisis to worry my needs. i got my own needs covered, my friend. you focus on your own.

but that is me. . .

steadying support while you find what works for you.

 

[Defaultxlove]

well I agree with your message but it pisses me off too because I feel like you’re saying I’m being ignorant and I’m not at all

I’ve been giving loving endlessly putting aside myself.

If they need to do something in their life to feel better - nobody can do it for them?

And I said “they need me”

Meaning this is not something I can get distance from. I need to find other ways to help

 

[Friday]

It is a TOTALLY different ballgame supporting/loving someone with trauma/PTSD than it is, having it.

It’s brutal. And painful. And powerless. And frustrating. And infuriating. And heartbreaking.

When you HAVE PTSD? You have all the power. To do ANYTHING about it, much less useful/helpful things. When you love someone who does? You’re gonna get your teeth kicked in, on a fairly regular basis (like being able to nickname their tantrums, they’re so damn predictable, and they so refuse to even see much less admit). They’re going to be hateful, hurtful, unfair, & vicious to you… and not only not even realize it… but blame you for it. Until they unf*ck themselves. That’s the other side of trauma.

Welcome to a whole brand new world of boundaries. If you want to keep them in your life. There’s durn good reason why most relationships fall away, and people with PTSD are so bad AT relationships, until they unf*ck themselves, and it’s no small part the wreckage caused by treating other people badly.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Okay so if I take that theyre being irrational and I know the headspace including the blaming

Maybe I’m so frustrated that they haven’t broken out yet

:( ugh awful yes tears

So still though I want to change my approach. I’ve stopped engaging in the topics which clearly fuel the rage for lack of better explanation

I take space
I pray
I speak life
I listen

When I open my mouth it’s always wrong because I’m in a different head space

Also my meds make it so my head doesn’t spin and I feel like if my head can’t spin
…..
Conclusion: im an idiot

Nobody called me an idiot but damn I know side eye and getting frustrated

 

[Friday]

Conclusion: im an idiot

Nope. You’re doing something new. That has a learning curve.

 

[Defaultxlove]

But this person has helped me out of my own stuff

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’ve been giving loving endlessly putting aside myself.

Yep… and the reward is getting yelled at. Welcome to being a supporter. They can’t worry about your feelings when they’re not in control of their own. It’s like asking a drowning man to help you swim.

PTSD is a selfish disorder. It’s not very conducive to empathy a lot of the time.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I’ve asked them to close this thanks

 

[Mach123]

Well you asked, and I understand completely as I have a very similar situation in my family. I have the benefit of knowing how she feels. You aren’t stupid or misguided in wanting to help anyone. Wanting to help is just that.

But I think it’s important to say you can’t help them, or trying to help them makes them take a swing at you more often than not . When you’re so depressed it’s hard to do anything, you may ask for help then get mad at the person trying to help When they can’t wave a magic wand and make the pain go away which they probably can’t .

Wait for them to ask you for help. Don’t volunteer. Then feel good that you did what you could regardless of the outcome.

I know it’s frustrating.