G
Gunsmith
I just found this site a few minutes ago. I was searching for anything to help. My family life is stressed and my career is quickly looking more and more like the Titanic. Earlier I took one of those online self-assesment tests. According to the scoring, getting four or above means ptsd is likely- I got a 20.
I am a United States Marine with 18 years of service. It's all I know how to do really. I was a cop for a few years but came running back when the war started to get ugly. I did multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I lost friends, Marines under my charge, and what feels like a sizable chunk of my soul.
My most recent stint in the sandbox included taking a nine man squad on a two hour patrol that turned into four days and nights of being completely surrounded, outnumbered damn near 10-1, and running out of everything but the will to live. None of us died thankfully but five were shipped home full of holes or in pieces.
I didn't really think I had a problem for quite some time. Sure I'd get flashbacks and was really twitchy, but I could function so I figured I was fine... but it didn't go away. It's been four years now and it took my wife moving out because she feared for our child for me to see just how far I've sunk.
I live in California, not the most gun friendly state yet I risk jailtime every day because I can't even leave the house unless I'm armed. I don't do crowds, I don't do fireworks, I don't do loud noises. I panic every time I'm on the freeway and burst into tears during every war movie (but I can't stop watching them) I don't have night terrors, I just don't sleep. Not for more than two hours at a time anyway.
The rage is the worst. I'M SO ANGRY!!! I want to litterally rip someone apart for the slightest infraction real or perceived. It clouds my judgement and dulls my senses. Sometimes I go to the restroom just to scream and vent at an imaginary victim. My default response to anything negative is a "I'm gonna beat you to death" attitude.
I'm currently on recruiting duty, where I have to constantly surround myself with people, talk all day, and put up with hostility and scorn. Sure everyone's proud of you when you're off keeping the wolves at bay, but the second you want to talk to a son or daughter about joining you're public enemy number one. I've got some awsome kids who will make fine Marines some day, but for every one of them there's 15 who laugh or look down on me, and 30 parents who treat me with disdain, rude behavior, and downright hostility.
"Gotta have thick skin!" my coworkers laugh at me. "It's the job, just deal with it." None of them have ever fired their weapon in anger, or watched the light fade from a friends eyes. I'm constantly in battle mode- looking for the next fight, the next threat. I can't put out the rage that burns inside my chest, or the dispair. I'm in a fight I don't know how to win. I can't punch, stab, or shoot my way well. I feel hopeless, lost, and utterly alone.
I am a United States Marine with 18 years of service. It's all I know how to do really. I was a cop for a few years but came running back when the war started to get ugly. I did multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I lost friends, Marines under my charge, and what feels like a sizable chunk of my soul.
My most recent stint in the sandbox included taking a nine man squad on a two hour patrol that turned into four days and nights of being completely surrounded, outnumbered damn near 10-1, and running out of everything but the will to live. None of us died thankfully but five were shipped home full of holes or in pieces.
I didn't really think I had a problem for quite some time. Sure I'd get flashbacks and was really twitchy, but I could function so I figured I was fine... but it didn't go away. It's been four years now and it took my wife moving out because she feared for our child for me to see just how far I've sunk.
I live in California, not the most gun friendly state yet I risk jailtime every day because I can't even leave the house unless I'm armed. I don't do crowds, I don't do fireworks, I don't do loud noises. I panic every time I'm on the freeway and burst into tears during every war movie (but I can't stop watching them) I don't have night terrors, I just don't sleep. Not for more than two hours at a time anyway.
The rage is the worst. I'M SO ANGRY!!! I want to litterally rip someone apart for the slightest infraction real or perceived. It clouds my judgement and dulls my senses. Sometimes I go to the restroom just to scream and vent at an imaginary victim. My default response to anything negative is a "I'm gonna beat you to death" attitude.
I'm currently on recruiting duty, where I have to constantly surround myself with people, talk all day, and put up with hostility and scorn. Sure everyone's proud of you when you're off keeping the wolves at bay, but the second you want to talk to a son or daughter about joining you're public enemy number one. I've got some awsome kids who will make fine Marines some day, but for every one of them there's 15 who laugh or look down on me, and 30 parents who treat me with disdain, rude behavior, and downright hostility.
"Gotta have thick skin!" my coworkers laugh at me. "It's the job, just deal with it." None of them have ever fired their weapon in anger, or watched the light fade from a friends eyes. I'm constantly in battle mode- looking for the next fight, the next threat. I can't put out the rage that burns inside my chest, or the dispair. I'm in a fight I don't know how to win. I can't punch, stab, or shoot my way well. I feel hopeless, lost, and utterly alone.
