Your responsibility

[saraemerald]

So Ok. There are opinions out there from different sides and that's Ok.

There is this one huge opinion amongst people that we are responsible for our own happiness and to an extent, I agree. Yes. But the other part of this opinion is an abuser hurts you very badly, in childhood or adulthood and despite their actions, YOU are responsible for your own choices and your own happiness afterwords.

Harder for a child to do, especially when the abuser is their own parent(s). NOW, you are responsible for healing the shit that your abuser did to you, while you were vulnerable and as a child, your brain was like a sponger absorbing information; forcing YOU to be responsible for THEIR shit! On top! Of trying to survive, go to school with your peers and try to make in the "real world" with barely any support aside from your own parents. It is our responsibility to heal, yes, to the best of our ability but playing the blame game of our actions in response to what was done to us when we were innocent little children trying to make sense of the world around us!

FU! To those that have never been there and choose to belittle us for not "being strong enough" to "get out shit together" despite the horrific things we have endured! Sorry, but you didn't go through it and you don't know what it's like.
Some of us struggle to keep our emotions from messing with us, despite the craziness we had to endure. And we strive so hard to be "normal". (whatever that means) We try to understand where another person is coming from and their behavior. We try to understand the dysfucntion around us and where it is coming from.

AND WHEN WE FINALLY SNAP, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT. Even though we tried so hard to keep it together for soooo many years, including our innocent childhood. I wish I could say to those people that judge us without even understanding or having gone through what we have and make statements, FU! Stop judging because you aren't even in a position to judge. Once you have gone through what I have or even another trauma, stop trying to make me the black sheep or the bad person for what other people did to me.

 

[littleoc]

Being responsible for your own happiness is extremely misleading. Being happy requires outside sources too -- how can we be happy if we're trying to stay afloat, trying to have a safe place to live, trying to have enough food, trying to stay out of danger? I mean, isn't that what we've been trying to do since the event/s happened that made us traumatized? Trying to be safe and somewhat secure in SOMETHING. That's not entirely in our control, is it?

And just like you were saying. Even friendships will change your opinion of yourself. It takes as little as forty-eight hours to start going "insane" permanently from solitary confinement. A lot of us here have been through shit like that and worse. That's not something we control. If we get bullied at work, singled out and ostracized? Sure, it could be related to our actions and our demeanor. But it's not in our control anyway, what people think. And having friend support affects humans much more than humans like to say in therapy. People with no friends aren't in charge the way they want to be of their happiness. Takes time, takes effort, absolutely, but it's so unfair to have the blame entirely.

 

[EveHarrington]

I interpret being responsible for my own happiness entirely differently.

I take it to mean that I can’t depend on someone else to make me happy.

A partner, a friend, a family member, a child......none of these people can make us happy. And it is in this sense, regardless of how much crap is thrown our way, that we are responsible for our own happiness. Simply because, nobody else is.

 

[saraemerald]

Being responsible for your own happiness is extremely misleading. Being happy requires outside sources...

Yes. And people who have grown up with that needed support for their development, somewhat get it. They had the needed support they needed from their parents or support group to get through through their painful experience

 

[saraemerald]

Being responsible for your own happiness is extremely misleading. Being happy requires outside sources...

Even when s survivors try so hard, the abusers see our progress and try to step in and ruin it because they see our progress and see it as a threat. even if they are older than us. I took this personally and am still overcome it. She hurtfecr me
me very badly! i am still trying to rise above it all and not let it af

Being responsible for your own happiness is extremely misleading. Being happy requires outside sources...

So true! I went through a lot! Like many of us. Didn't try to compare or anything.
And OMG! You too!
Why?!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

At some point in our lives, we are responsible for our life. That includes our happiness, the path we take, the rights and wrongs that we may make and if trauma is involved, then our recovery. So, at some point we have to stop looking back, we have to let go of the hatred that stops us from moving forward, and we need to walk away from those that stunt our progress.

This doesn’t mean that we forgive or forget what’s been done to us, but rather find a way to move forward without allowing the past to stagnate our recovery. We can not change the past, but we can heal from the present and we can find a future...

 

[saraemerald]

Being responsible for your own happiness is extremely misleading. Being happy requires outside sources...

F#ck yeah to everything you said cuz I can relate to it all. Thanx

At some point in our lives, we are responsible for our life. That includes our happiness, the path we ta...

You are totally right about everything you said and I get it but at the same time, I don't get it, because I did all those things from a very young age in my life, maybe five years old, watching both my parents and the path they both taking and wanting nothing to do with it cuz they were insane! I worked very hard, mostly on my own to rise above everything crazy that was taught to me. None of this was taught to me. I had to figure all of this out mostly on my own.

 

[ladee]

I feel that the word 'happiness' is misleading... it doesn't mean we are always laughing and having a great time... in our case... just turning a corner in our healing is an occasion for happiness...in the sense of taking pride in how hard we worked to understand, the moving so far out of our comfort zone to make that happen..sharing our deepest most shame filled secrets.... and no , most people have no idea...

It is the way of the world to judge and be judged.. we can't change the part about being judged... but ,we can learn how not to let what others think of us, affect our self worth.. and when they use dismissive statements, we learn to not take it so personal... yes it hurts... and makes us angry.... but the more self compassion we learn, the more compassion we have for the people that cross our paths..and we see it as ignorance, and like you said, manipulation to keep their own agenda in place....

And yes, it's up to us to do what we need to do to get back on track...sucks, but each time we do, we are more empowered to not let the next time someone upsets us, it doesn't go as deep. Doesn't mean we walk around with a silly grin on our face... it's more like an inner peace. And yes, people can still disturb that, but takes less and less time to get back to it...

And happiness to me, is as individual as each of us... the things that make me happy might not appeal to anyone else... or the things I find soothing to my soul... peace of mind... Happiness can mean a lot of things to different people... this is a great thread !! Am interested in others posts about this...

 

[Rani G2]

Hey saraemerald,

YOU are responsible for your own choices and your own happiness afterwords.

Regarding the responsibility thing... I am standing on a yes and No position. Differentiation doesnt come easy but when the word responsibility comes into play, then there are certain social expectations that are set upon us we most probably have to fulfill, working because we need money, taking care of our kids/ financial support etc etc. Then not every kind of social expectations can or should be fulfilled because if I would live in a society that accepts injustice, oversees institutional racism or where oppression is a "normal" thing, because the mass is willing to follow the rules, then I dont want to fulfill those expectations so in some peoples eyes I might be an irresponsible individual.

I can though give an response by taking action and dealing with the consequences afterwards.

wish I could say to those people that judge us without even understanding or having gone through what we have and

Yes, not everyone is capable to comprehend, because all of us are influenced through different kinds of cultural/ religious backgrounds, family dynamics, gender, intellectual capacity. One cannot even be angry if seen logically

 

[MrMoonlight]

I think responsibility for my own healing is in my hands because nobody can change my internal thinkin/dialog/script but self. I can't rely on a savior be it religious or otherwise. My fate = my hands. My decisions = my dialog. My thoughts = my emotions (or something like that)

Like a bull (when I'm not a mouse) I will wreak havoc and destroy with light all the dark closed spaces in my mind. Who else can right. I know I'm a big talker...easier said than done but that my attitude when push comes to shove.

 

[Mach123]

At first no, you can not do these things because of course your ability has been taken from you by your abuse. In time however as it comes out and if things go well and you can actually get professional help and read some of the literature and figure out you know "so this is why." Then you can start to apply things like positive thinking but at first no.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

It’s absolutely my responsibility to help myself with recovery and healing even if that is saying I need help I can’t do it on my own. As shit as it is to be all f*cked up by someone else’s actions and be forced to pick up the pieces. who is it helping if I decide not to be responsible for my recovery? It’s a testament to my mother f*cking strength and resilience every thing I’ve ever been through in my life I’ve survived.

Being happy? f*ck it’s hard enough being unhappy without beating myself up about how it’s my responsibility to not be unhappy. Even muggles aren’t happy all the freakin time. It’s learning to be ok with being upset and not fighting the so called “negative” emotions and just respecting them as they are, (part of the human experience) sitting with them.

Some days are really f*cking horrible and it’s all I can do to be alive. You know what that’s ok. It’s also ok to be really angry cause it is shit. You’re not going to be angry/sad all the time.

It’s an explanation rather than an excuse of course I have really horrible days I have PTSD. And people who say shitty ableist and victim blaming shit to me can go ahead and get out of my life. Cause I’ve got enough to deal with with my own cognitive distortion negative inner dialogue without having to deal with that shit from other sources.