Relationship Your stress and your sufferers stress?!

[RRT13]

So just curious if you hold in all your stress like I do or do you share with your sufferer? And does it make them feel more stressed when you do?
This past week and a half my combat vet bf has had some off days. He hasnt really opened up but i can sense his personality change and less communication. We had plans last weekend to visit and at the last minute he had a flat tire and it ruined his mood and him driving 4 hours to see me. I could tell he felt bad but then i kinda wondered if he wasnt willing to get out of his comfort zone and drive down to see me. I stayed positive and let it go even though it sucked.
2 days after this i had some issues with my dad i opened up to the bf about and just some work stress. I work in law enforcement by the way. In between all this I am also dealing with an ex husband whos still in the Army and is training up to deploy so im stressed over that. I havent said much to the bf about that.
I asked him if we were ok this week which ive never done and he said yeah just a long week. I have abandonment issues from my childhood so i think ive been a little clingy on texts with him. Like texting first or texting more.
We made plans again for this weekend to visit and we talked some yesterday. Both said i love you and excited to see you. Then i havent heard from him since 7pm yesterday and thats not him. He went to a hockey game and then was supposed to be coming down. I sent a few texts last night just saying hey and asking if he was coming down. Nothing. No answer still.
So today i sent just one text about how im here for him, not mad he didnt come down and ill give him space and to talk when hes ready.
Hes never isolated or ignored me like this. We've been going on 5 months or so. The last 2 months has been long distance. Usually he will tell me when hes having a bad day and i know to leave him a lone. Then the next day or two we get back to good.
Sorry if this post seems all confusing. Im just wondering if him not coming down and me opening up and being strresed has pushed him away. Just needed to vent too. This forum has been amazing in support!!

 

[EveHarrington]

So he stood you up with no word and you’re ok with this?

I honestly don’t think this is a good path to go down. I know we all have PTSD, but it takes two seconds to send a text indicating that we need space.

If a sufferer can’t give someone this basic respect, I 100% believe they aren’t ready to be in a relationship.

Can’t do the bare minimum? ——> Not ready to have people in your life.

 

[RRT13]

I'm not ok with it. I'm really confused and hurt because I've never seen this side. He has shut down a few times but has told me when hes going to and I know to give him space. Our communication has been great up until about a week and a half ago.
I know to take care of me first and thats what I'll do. I am tired all week of stressing over him and wearing myself down.
We never really argue either. Not at all since we got back together at Christmas or else I'd understand.
But i did notice a girl i think he may have dated while we took our break during the holidays start liking several of his fb posts for a few days this week.So thats in the back of my head as to why he's being this way too.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hmmm. Can I ask why you two took a break? How long was the break?

 

[RRT13]

We took a 6 week break from Veterans day to Christmas. He was living down by me working with his Army buddy. They ended up getting into an argument and got kicked out the house. He was having hernia surgery in a week so he decided to just move back home, have surgery and go to school where he lives. We didnt end on a bad note, but he felt he couldnt commit to a relationship in addition to work and school when he got back. I think his stress cup was overfilled. We kept in touch almost everyday. I didnt know as much about PTSD so i would try to ignore him for a few days at a time and then wed get back to talking. As friends mostly. At Christmas he finally told me he missed me and still loved me and i went up there for 4 days and we had an amazing time. I visited 2 weeks later for the weekend and again a great time.

 

[Buttercup]

@Brturner13 You write here you are not ok with him standing you up, but you texted him that you are not only ok with it, but you are there when he is ready to talk. You are putting yourself last here. Making it all ok for him to blow you off and come back to you whenever he feels like it and probably without even an apology.

Just think about that. You have had a hard week or so yourself. Place more value on yourself and your time.

 

[EveHarrington]

....I’m just concerned that he broke up with you because he couldn’t handle a relationship, yet he started dating someone else.

This wouldn’t sit well with me.

 

[RRT13]

Thanks I need to think about my self value more. I dont know why I said that to him.
As far as him dating someone while we were broken up is Im assuming. He asked me when i first came to visit if i had been on any dates. I told him 1 and he said 2. I just can't think really why he would shut down like this. I tend to think the worst.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree about setting a pattern here. If he thinks it's ok to blow you off and stand you up then it's going to keep happening. Needing space and isolating is understandable, but disregarding your partner is pushing it. A simple text, "I'm not feeling well, can't make it", would have made all the difference in the world.

Now, while it's early in the relationship, would be a good time to have a discussion about boundaries and isolation. If he isolates as a coping mechanism, then you personally have to decide how long you're willing and able to tolerate being shut out. Some people can wait months... I personally can't deal with more than a week or so and still feel like I'm in a relationship. That decision is going to be all you. He will isolate, you have to decide for yourself what you're going to do to handle it.

Also, even if it is all tied up in PTSD, you can still have boundaries about isolation periods. For instance, I can't sit and wonder about the dead in a ditch bullshit. That is cruel. If my vet needs space all he has to do is say "I need space" and I give it to him, no questions asked. If he doesn't tell me that's when the trouble starts. I'm not playing those games. We set up our own isolation rules that work for us. As in I leave him completely the eff alone. No calling, no texting, no stopping by. That's what he needs. In exchange I need to know he's not locked up or in the morgue. He will throw me an "I'm alive" text every few day, and I will not respond or try to engage in conversation until he does.

It's about mutual respect. I consider giving him the space he needs a loving act. I respect his needs, and he in turn respects my needs. If he can't do at least that then I cannot be in a relationship with him.