General " You're Not Helping..."

[Angus McGee]

Had an "interesting" talk with a well-meaning, but far too blunt and uninformed friend at church this week.

Up until this point, every single person in my church has been supportive, and very much an "I'm very sorry you are going through that." attitude when I told them about what a struggle it has been for my wife and I since she suffered her PTSD relapse.

Then I met this guy's eye. He's a police officer in a suburb here in Portland. He asked how things were going, and I told him that it's been difficult, but we're getting by. Taking it one day at at time sort of thing...

He then asked "Is she seeing someone else?"
"Uh, no. She got her own apartment so that she can isolate, and focus on her therapy and heal so she can come home."
"Hmm.. How is she with your son?"
"She's great with him." (He's 1.5 years old, and she watches him three days a week.)
"How can she be so good with him, and not with you?"
"It's the PTSD. She can cope with watching a 1.5 year old a few hours a week, but she really needs her own place, at least temporarilly."
I don't think he bought it. Frankly, I don't care. In fact, he said her needing to be isolated was a cop-out.

So not cool.

As all of you know, PTSD is like no other disorder. Unless you've been through it, or love someone who has, you have no idea of what it does to your brain. Logic and common sense reasoning has to be thrown out the window. I know what the truth is. I've seen the impact her relapse has had on her. I've got enough negative thoughts going through my head. I certainly do not need more.

Later that night, I talked to my 16yo daughter about that conversation, and she said something I hadn't thought of. The reason she is so good with him, and he doesn't impact her PTSD is because he can't hurt her, either physically or emotionally. He's barely saying "Dada." Much less something that would impact someone suffering from PTSD.

 

[ISupportHer]

"from the mouth of babes"

That last paragraph is a prime example of what I find awesome here. All of a sudden, one little thought that so many here can not only relate to, but use it to help them understand.

As for the person at church, a good illustration of how so many, our families sometimes included, just don't know what they don't know. I feel sorry for THEM! and a good reason why this community is so awesome. People get it here.

ISH

 

[BigBear]

So not cool.

For Angel, the siblings, who went through much the same are no better sometimes.

For one thing, I guess, He's a cop and by training looks for the worst.

If you look hard enough for bad things, you surely will find them...

Bear

 

[May1321]

I don't think he bought it. Frankly, I don't care. In fact, he said her needing to be isolated was a cop-out.

A couple of things... as I struggle with this. I think craving to understand as much as possible and make sure I'm not reading my own gutt instincts incorrectly, or being 'co-dependent' a.k.a. "not taking the hint". I'm a communicator so I talk things out. Can't help it... but I get this reaction a lot and I've been trying to learn/teach myself how to just figure it out either on my own or not take anyone elses opinions to heart.

1- Not everyone understands and/or are open to understanding because - a lot of times - unbeknownst to us, they are having their own struggles which either gives them a negative and closed perspective, or they are just having a bad day and either way, it has nothing to do with us.

2- Maybe it is a 'cop-out' but again, though it affects us, I believe on my best of days when I'm not being swayed by negativity that this technical cop-out for my sufferer ALSO has nothing to do with me... in fact, it's (in his/her mind) to protect me. They aren't ready to take on the extra challenge of dealing with 'us' too and though it sucks, it's hard for people to see that. BRAVO for you raising such a wise little girl :)

Side note: In my recent internal struggle, I've gotten my best advice from my guy friends that technically 'play the field', his brother, and my internal instincts after doing my own research on here or through reading the books suggested. But things have been better, I've been happier, and we've been closer because I'm for the most part controlling what I can control and not going after him if I feel the anxious negative ideas running through me that other people like to input (ie. he's seeing someone else, it's a cop-out, it makes no sense)... Well duh! I have enough to think/worry about besides all these things, too, which could be just manifestations of someone elses (even my own past) misery :confused:

You know what's up, Angus. Once you clear the dust of the PTSD away, you know where your heart is and where you stand, and I've heard your confidence in it. It's hard to hear someone be so negative but like Ish said, I feel sorry for THEM! Enlightenment feels so much cooler :)

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, all. I'm right there with all of you! May, I love your comment #2. My wife has said just those things. She IS trying to protect me, for as much as I want to come along side, and help her, she wants to save me from seeing her suffer, and endure the pain of hearing the stories of her past abuse. I know a few things, but I'm sure it's just the surface stuff.

I guess it just gets frustrating having to deal with people that don't get it. You'd think a cop would have dealt with people in her shoes before, whether suicidal, wives of domestic violence, child abuse victims, etc. I guess once the case is solved, he never went back and checked on the victims of the abuse he investigated. Had he done that, he might have a better sense of the effects of PTSD.

I know in a certain way, it's like trying to explain the intricacies of an internal combustion engine to a toddler.

Part of me wants to take him aside, and read him the riot act for what he said. But, I know that it wouldn't do any good. Most likely, he will just go on defense, and tell me something like "I'm just calling it like I see it." He has NO {insert cuss word here} idea what it's like!!! DON'T try to understand it. Like everyone else, tell me you're sorry, that you will be praying for us, and leave it at that. Any other words are most definitely counter-productive.

 

[May1321]

Angus... I know it sucks. And I'm not trying to defend them but what we have over everyone is the opportunity for an even bigger understanding and heart... especially for those who say these things that hurt our feelings when they legitimately think they are trying to help.

Being as this particular person is a "cop" it isn't much different than dealing with your wife, or a soldier, or a firefighter. Especially the last two, these guys are 'programmed' to live off the surface and most of them, from my experiences, have a hard time expressing empathy and compassion in ways we'd understand. It is always going to be rough around the edges, or cut and dry, or worse case scenario. And they don't know they are doing it... They are trained to "survive"... "fight or flight"... protect themselves and protect others which makes them very short, 'realistic', and a lot of times paranoid in our opinions. He's going to say things to look out for you, without looking at the bigger picture... maybe in some way bottling up the fact that he too may suffer from some trauma...

I don't know... I feel like these folks need OUR prayer. I know my share of the 'lack of compassionate' - sufferer included. But my best friend was a firefighter and before that a EMT. I've heard some crazy stories that would make me turn white if I ever encountered it but he talked about it like it was no big deal. He wanted to show compassion but he couldn't. Our friendship ended when his dad died and I was the person he always broke down to. He couldn't handle being weak and I was the only one he was weak around because he had to be tough in front of everyone else.

I know it's church stuff, but God wants us to love... and love... and forgive. ((((HUGS)))) for you. I know it is extremely frustrating, but you've got the best thing standing behind you.... With really big wings waiting to catch you if you fall :)

 

[Angus McGee]

May, I know you're right. More than anything else, I posted that just to vent. I know you guys get it. I just needed to "talk" to like-minded people.

I still appreciate your advice. All of you. It helps me keep my head in the game,

 

[Toria]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm just a big softie - I would never dream of suggesting to someone that their wife might be seeing someone else! I would have told him to keep his unhelpful and judgmental comments to himself until he'd walked a mile in your shoes. Well... that's what I'd have liked to say - I'd probably have just burst in to tears!!!!

This is a good example of why I don't try to explain "our situation" to people - which also explains why I don't have so many friends! You sound to have a great little community behind you Angus - make the most of the good ones and don't let the ignorant ones drag you down.

 

[ISupportHer]

I would never dream of suggesting to someone that their wife might be seeing someone else! .

OMG yes Toria! Just a side note here from me. Some people's insensitivity just amazes me sometimes. My wife had a caller at work ask her How she slept at night and how she could live with herself when he did not get what he want. And this was a Neurologist, a professional.

OK ISH, yet again, steps down form the soap box. Attention is now returned to Angus.

:oops:

 

[Angus McGee]

I don't need to be on any soapbox... I just think that my cop-buddy probably meant well, but his comments backfired. I just wanted to share that exchange with you folks because, unlike him, you all get it. You know what suffering from PTSD means. He doesn't.

Needless to say, I won't be seeking any advice our counselling from him any time soon.

 

[ISupportHer]

I'd bet most here have a mental list of who they cannot reveal things to. Just as sufferers have to be cautious to avoid the "Just snap out of it" mentality of some people. More to it than that of course.

LOL Angus and I was referring to MY being on the soap box. Sometimes I just get somewhat off topic. :roflmao:

ISH

 

[May1321]

make the most of the good ones and don't let the ignorant ones drag you down.

Hard lesson learned and still learning... AMEN to that, Toria!! :)