Realization About Sex Panic

[WillyKat]

I’m married now, so this isn’t an issue, but as a young man, I often had panic attacks whenever I found myself in a potentially sexual situation with a woman; always when woman came on to me.

Later in life, I would always have an intrusion of a gun in my hand coming up to my head whenever I remembered these situations.

A few weeks ago, I spoke to my psychologist about all this, but we didn’t really get very far.

But this morning, while taking my morning walk, I nearly stopped dead in my tracks as I realized something. I realized that the fear / panic I had in those situations wasn’t about the sexual nature of the situation, it wasn’t because it reminded me of the sexual aspect of my trauma, I got triggered because it reminded me of how close I came to being killed. I think that’s why I have intrusions about suicide whenever I reflect back on those moments. It’s about death, not sex.

This may be a bit of a duh moment, but for some reason, I blotted out the threat of death I experienced during the trauma (and after) and unconsciously focused on only the molestation aspects. Damn!

I see my psychologist in about an hour so guess what we’ll be talking about?

 

[illusionist]

Isn't it a wide awakening!.....I too remembered the threat of death as a child, at a later date and had always thought it was the molestations that were my trauma, amongst other things. . I remembered the knife and the hand around the throat and mouth with two different people done over years, yet I had totally blocked out those parts of it for a long time.....only recently have I come to realise why, when I was raped twice as an adult , that I was able to practically dust myself down after it..I didn't feel my life was threatened 'enough'.....and I saw rape as something I was used to..I was immune to it, far less worrying than the fear of death. Yes I wanted to die as a child but not in that manner.
This is a great step in the right direction for you.....now you can process it and deal with it..getting you further down the road to recovery.....The mind is a great thing.

 

[Powder]

WillyKat,

I'm happy for you that you got that clarity about this. Just like you, I wondered why I had out of body experiences and such based on the fact I was focused on the sexual violation and betrayal. I was not sure either. It made me not "doubt" myself, but it was confusing.

My latest flashbacks showed me that, like you, there was death threats and for good reason, I was made to feel I would be killed, repeatedly, involving a gun and other weapons. So, yeah, I totally get this. Now I get why PTSD is the result and triggers abound. No wonder. No more confusion.

Do you feel a sort of self-sympathy knowing the extreme fear that was involved? I seem to feel more self sympathy or compassion now. In that sense, I think it helped. I hope something clicked into place for you, too, that is healing.

 

[WillyKat]

@Muse, yes, I feel more self-sympathy. I'm cutting myself more slack. I understand the little me much better.

As I was speaking w/ my T today, I realized something else. This intersects with shame. That is, at a very deep level, I've always felt shame, and maybe that has to do with the sexual aspect of being molested. But it was really violence, not sex. Of course I've always known that, but I knew it in an academic or clinical sense. I'm beginning to feel it now. That too his f'ing huge!

Thanks!