Keeping It Small

[Sandstone]

I have an appointment with a new T this afternoon. I want to use her for short term support while I wait for the NHS to get its act together. I'm in a therapeutic limbo, having run out sessions with the good Psychologist I was seeing and having as an only contact someone who says he has nothing to offer, and who avoids speaking to me if possible. I may not be in therapy, but my mind hasn't caught up with that idea and is churning up new stuff and making links from old to new all the time.

It seems hard to define to myself what the limits of short term support might be. Some of it is just having someone to unload on, because I'm fairly fragile at the moment and everything seems to take on a bigger level of crisis-ness than is justified. I would like to do something a little more constructive though. I know I don't want to go anywhere near the traumas, and I thought I wanted to focus on grounding and safety.

However, the reading I've been doing lately suggests that the difficulties I've had with safety/grounding/soothing techniques could be linked to Phobia of Inner Experience, which takes us straight into the whole dissociation question and hence to the childhood stuff that originates al this. None of that is remotely small or short term.

So, is it a good idea to do this at all? Would it be better to try to keep it all locked away until I can get someone longer term? Is there a way to do superficial support when I know the reasons for my distress at day to day events are tied up with past echoes and triggers?

 

[Sideways]

It's surprising just how stressful it can be not knowing what T you're gonna be seeing in 3 months time. Sounds like something that shouldn't be such a big deal, because it's not like someone's threatening you with eviction or something. But actually, it's really stressful. I totally get that, it's absolutely not a stressor that I underestimate.

Short term? That's frustrating. You don't know this person, whether you're gonna click, all the effort it takes to build up trust when you know that they're aren't gonna be around long term so it's not like they're gonna get a chance to help fix up any of the really big stuff.

But you know, you've got a lot going on health wise and everything, and there's this big Dissociative Disorder cloud following you round, and until you're actually sitting in the office of your new long term T hearing them tell you "Yes, I'm permanent, you and me are in for the long haul", there's some tough, stressful days ahead.

So, is there real harm in going along and sussing Ms Short Term out? Maybe you get along really well. Maybe she is someone you can just offload to once a week for a while. Maybe she's got some insights of her own that aren't gonna do any harm. Maybe it might feel good knowing that there's still someone, even if it's short term, that you can actually talk to.

Maybe not.

But it's gotta be worth at least sussing out??

 

[Sandstone]

Well, yes. I intend to do it, because it has looked like a good idea for several weeks. I contacted the helpline of a fairly local support group to get recommendations, discussed with the therapist who mans their lines whether this was a good idea, and picked this woman from a short list of two they supplied.

So, is there real harm in going along and sussing Ms Short Term out? Maybe you get along really well. Maybe she is someone you can just offload to once a week for a while. Maybe she's got some insights of her own that aren't gonna do any harm. Maybe it might feel good knowing that there's still someone, even if it's short term, that you can actually talk to.

That is my fear. Going too far, too soon has risked my life, and others', more than once. Two good T's have said how hard I am to read because either I genuinely don't know that something is disturbing, or I calmly say that it is disturbing, but don't show that what I mean is there is a self-destructive tumult raging inside me.

I don't know how I can, for example talk about the health stuff without immediately hitting the fear, shame, panic at being trapped, all the trauma stuff. It is stressful because of them, much more than because of the "normal" fears of "what if my kidneys fail?"

It is the practical technique of how to keep the focus on the present that puzzles me. It is the opposite of what therapy is usually about.

 

[Sideways]

So practice...good old dot point preparation beforehand. Have some clear idea before you go in about topics or questions you might want to cover, and set yourself a Column B - "Stuff That I Will Not Discuss At Today's Appointment". If you're in the appointment and you're inching your way towards a Column B topic, just say "It's important to me that we stay away from that topic today". A sensible T will steer you around and away from off-limits topics, and you're racking up experience having a conversation that stays in the present...

You've got plenty of stuff "in the present" to talk about, stuff that it might be helpful to actually talk about...worth a try? I reckon you could pull that off, especially if you go in with a rough game plan:)

 

[Sandstone]

I was trying out the things I might say, and they all went straight to "Column B", which is what prompted me to post this thread.

"I want to work on self soothing and grounding, because 5 years in I'm still bad at it and resistant to consistently practising" leads on to my fear of hearing what is in there if I relax my guard, and the determination of me to annihilate anything that might need soothing , with its desire to knife me in return. Not going there without a long term T and a proper safety plan.

"I feel rejected and devalued by the NHS MH service" goes straight into all those times I've been told that things I reported are not true, and my confusion about whether I even qualify for trauma or deserve support. Not sure I'd even go there with a long term T, because it is a never ending downwards spiral.

" I'm afraid of medical examinations" heads straight into three of the traumas.

" I ran away yesterday" goes into the reason I was running, being instructed to go and have a drink with first abuser.

Maybe I have to put the problem to her, and ask how we could approach it. Maybe just talking at her would stop it going round in my head. Maybe knowing that i have a fixed time in the week when i am going to unload it all would reduce the power of my emotions.

I think the idea of using therapy as a dumping ground is quite alien to me. I haven't usually been the person who takes a huge chunk of the session to talk about the last week, I've been more interested in getting to the meat of why and what can I do about it. I always tend to keep things to myself until they have lost their emotional charge, or simply to forget/lose access to them.

 

[Sandstone]

Need to go and do something else. The world is floating a bit and 3D vision isn't working right. Enough. Distracting floor cleaning called for. Back later

 

[digger]

Maybe I have to put the problem to her, and ask how we could approach it.

I think this is probably the best idea.

I'm really glad you've been able to set this up for yourself as support in the short term. I hope she has some good ideas for you x

 

[Suzetig]

I've found short term therapy really helpful from time to time - mainly for reinforcing coping skills, making small links and having somewhere to offload.

It looks like you're really searching for ways to figure out what's happening with you, to understand some of your responses and I guess learn how to heal. I know for me that has proved counter therapeutic at times because I've got hooked up on theory and joining the dots and struggled then to use supports that didn't match the theory, if that makes sense? I'm saying this not to give you a hard time - I need to be educate about my condition - but I now know I also need to let someone else offer me care even if that care doesn't meet textbook standards.

I understand that it feels like all roads lead you back to addressing your trauma directly, and it sounds like you're ready and it's awful that you don't have the supports available to let you do that. You might find though that short term, holding work gives you enough support to keep finding your way through the NHS maze. Trust yourself and what you think might help you most at this time.

 

[Leigh925]

I wish I could have more control over those things and choose but I don't. Every time I try to stuff something and not go near it until a better time...I've found I will pay for it in other ways....nightmares, dissociation, sickness etc. It just bubbles up whether I want it to or not.

I can see how the whole situation could leave you feeling fragile. I suck at the grounding and self soothing stuff.....I find it to be very closely tied to my traumas as well. In the beginning when I wasn't sure I was going to keep this T using him as a sounding board and keeping it very superficial worked and it did help to minimize some anxiety. But I think I am too far in to go back to that. Maybe if I was seeing someone knew I could.

But you might just think about what has happened to you in the past when you had to stuff feelings or keep things in so you can be prepared for whatever comes up and maybe figure out some coping skills with the temp therapist for that. The T might have some ideas for coping that aren't necessarily grounding skills per se.

I wish the system wasn't so screwed up for you. I wish the very best for you!

 

[Sandstone]

She was a lovely lady. Definitely a counsellor, not a therapist. She was worried that she might not be enough for me, and after half an hour's talk I got to use that hated line 'How does it feel for you?". I think she could be what I need for short term support, but I don't know if she agrees! We have made another appointment, and she has supervision before then. I told her I wouldn't be offended if she told me she felt it was wrong to continue, but she said, and I felt that we would like to.

I liked the fact that she wasn't in a PTSD bubble. I made it very clear that I'm not going to talk about the big T Traumas, but she questioned why I was able to tell her something about my childhood. I realised that it is all a question of scale. She perceived that (my mother's threat that she could die at any time) as big and disturbing, while I think that it is just the day job. Perhaps some reality checking might help.

She runs "Improve your self confidence" groups for a local charity, and I realised when she was talking about recognising what I have achieved that some of that work could also be useful.

 

[Sideways]

I'm really glad this ended up being a positive experience for you. Even if she's not fixing the big stuff with you, sounds like it will be good to have her around during the transition:)

 

[Sideways]

No, sorry, scratch that. That was truly pathetic. "I'm glad this was a positive experience for you"... Puhleeease!

Read back over this thread. No really, scroll back over this thread. Are we done?

This is HUGE! This is really friggin HUGE!! Do NOT write this experience off as a "Meh, yeah, so it went well..." because this was a REALLY big deal for you. Remember having to exit the conversation and go clean for a while? Big deal!

You have so maany stressors in your life right now. It really does sound a bit like Madam Fate just kicked your can to the kerb because of there are sooo many things that have been rushing to fill up your stress cup. And this appointment was in there, and we weren't sure if we should go because if we did we'd talk about all the wrong stuff and it would cause more harm than good and, and, and...

Personally, I think this one really deserves some virtual pom-poms action, break out the happy dancing in the street celebrations because this was a big big deal. And you did it. And this lady sounds GREAT! And of all the crappy things in your life at the moment, you rolled up your sleeves, gave this a try despite yourself, and it turned out GREAT!

So hooray! Bigtime Hooray! Something that you fought for actually turned out great! She's temporary, she's not gonna fix the world's problems overnight (or at all), but it sounds like she's gonna be awesome to have on side for a while, and the only reason you've got her on your team is because of YOUR hard work.

Do not brush this one off as no big deal. It's a big deal. This thread is evidence it's a big deal. So take a moment to celebrate yourself:)