I am starting this because I find that I get so busy "finding" things to focus on or get upset about that I never get to the real issues in my head. My brain just refuses, maybe my fingers will be more cooperative. I need to unscramble this spaghetti bowl of thoughts that keep interrupting each other.
The part I have no problem talking about is my trauma. I think I have compartmentalized it for so long that I no longer feel any real emotion as far as that is concerned. That's not necessarily a good thing I know. But it was also 38 years ago and I was very young.
When I was 4 my father beat my mother to death in front of my brother and I. For many years I was so angry and hurt but I think my real issue came when I got older and was always trying to function normally in the "adult world". I have since then come to realize that I am not "normal", whatever the f&$% that means, and I have done more harm to myself by trying to be something I am not, and never was.
Now the f'd up thing is this. I have since redeveloped a form of relationship with my father. I can't go back and change what happened, neither can he. He wishes it didn't happen, as do I, but do I really need to become a self-imposed orphan for the rest of my life? I'm not sure how much of my life I want him in, but getting to know some about him I have learned a lot about myself. I know most people will think I'm crazy for doing that. But back to the problem that I know if there but can't quite figure out, is that I still have almost zero emotion about this whole process.
Anyway, that's the first thought I need to spit out. What is wrong with me?
The part I have no problem talking about is my trauma. I think I have compartmentalized it for so long that I no longer feel any real emotion as far as that is concerned. That's not necessarily a good thing I know. But it was also 38 years ago and I was very young.
When I was 4 my father beat my mother to death in front of my brother and I. For many years I was so angry and hurt but I think my real issue came when I got older and was always trying to function normally in the "adult world". I have since then come to realize that I am not "normal", whatever the f&$% that means, and I have done more harm to myself by trying to be something I am not, and never was.
Now the f'd up thing is this. I have since redeveloped a form of relationship with my father. I can't go back and change what happened, neither can he. He wishes it didn't happen, as do I, but do I really need to become a self-imposed orphan for the rest of my life? I'm not sure how much of my life I want him in, but getting to know some about him I have learned a lot about myself. I know most people will think I'm crazy for doing that. But back to the problem that I know if there but can't quite figure out, is that I still have almost zero emotion about this whole process.
Anyway, that's the first thought I need to spit out. What is wrong with me?
