Shame

[lostforgottensoul]

@Bloomy the whys and what ifs dont get you very far but be mad at them, be very pissed off at them...just dont be mad at you! You, my dear, have nothing to be ashamed of no matter how much shame they put on you. You did nothing wrong, they did!

But I also understand shame and its not something you can just stop feeling. So practice blaming them, being mad at them, judging them; and not you.

Know im here for you! :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Bloomy-----would it help to reframe?

If both people are willingly intoxicated and into sex, then the intoxication thing can't really be used as a reason alone for rape. You'd end up in an overreach of the law type situation where rape can be claimed based on intoxication alone. I can only imagine the law having a field day with that. I think this is what the person you quoted meant----Mutual drunkenness not being rape necessarily because truthfully neither could consent.

If one person gets another drunk (i.e. drugs them); uses coercion, manipulation, or force; if the person says no (or doesn't say yes); if the person is fighting back; if the person is passed out (which is not the same as blacked out) and so on------then yes, it's rape.

 

[Bloomy]

@EveHarrington this one comment is just one of many that bothers me. That makes it hard for me. Ive been so filled with shame since my "mom" called me slut for ever so long I can remember. And then to be raped confirmed that. According to have it felt. Ive tried so hard to resist not being what they told me I was. And this confirmed it aint no use to fight. It put me back to the place they ment I belong to.

Its a discussion here in Noway at the moment. And my mind cant belive the voices of men saying things according to this statement. My mind does not comprehend that there is even a discussion.

In my case I was a young girl. With no experience of the oposite sex. Nor any interest. I was prudent. I didnt know alkohol. Three middle class boys from well situated homes planned to do this to some one. And vunerable as I was from my home situation and naiv as I still was I went straight into their trap. From how it all went I know they had planned it.

So I can belive it even is a discussion. Have we not come any futher in 2016 then that we are still discussion wether a girl is to be blamed for being raped?

I was put into so much shame. As they after the rape accused me of being slutty. As written I ve seen the school papers. What the teachers have written about me. It hurts like hell. How can grown up people even say anything like this about a young girl? I was such an innocent girl and they destroyed it all. Paved the road of misery for me to walk down after this. Confirmed what I was told to be.

How can we discuss the question of guilt in this? Or how can we question such incidents? Why is it that we femlaes still after all this years are seen as Eve that lead Adam into sin? Why should we carry the blame of men that choose to act like beast of burden?
What happend to human rights? What happend to the right of feeling secure? Of being safe from any harm? What happen to the right of raising case when something bad happens to you on justful terms? Of not being questioned just because your gender is discriminated?

My daughter is also scared of being raped. I never told her what happend to me. But she says she dont feel safe on the street. Men glaring. How can we accept such a society where females feel fear in public spaces?

I thought my daughter to do fight sports. And If some one ever threatens her I taught her how to defend her self. So I hope it will be sufficient if it ever comes up. Wich I sincerely hope it wont. But even to see that the fear continue in her generation it hurts. And when popular culture has accepted the word bitch and slut? As to rap songs and other popular matters? Im at a loss of what we humans do to eachother. How we can still discriminate at the base of some ones gender.

 

[EveHarrington]

I honestly don't know that world. I have no experience in it. I know exactly why I'm not a part of that world but it's not a very PC discussion so I keep it to myself. All I know is that while we have a right to be safe, the world is never going to ensure we are indeed safe. I cannot change the world; I can only change me. My fight is against my PTSD and I won't ever have the time to battle the ills of the world----but I'm glad that others do. Guilt? All on them; always.

 

[Bloomy]

It wasnt directed to you really to change the world. Sorry If it came up like that. I just wonder about all this and it hurts.
Im not part of that world either. Unfortunately I had my looks against me all my life. Its not my fault. But it caused me to have to survive to much harassment. In addition to the rest. A brutal intro to what the world can look like.
The world will not be ok beacause certain people lack emphaty with others. Thats also a part of why we can not ensure safety.

My fight is also against my ptsd. And part of my ptsd picture is the trauma that things like this also caused me. I know I cant afford to think to much about the unjust. I must focus on healing despite. But when things like this comes up in the media it scratch my deeps wounds.

 

[oneday]

You really must let your anger out Bloomy, you should be angry, you have every right to be angry, you have been treated dreadfully, by those that should have protected you. I find it helps me so much to let my anger out and am learning to begin to do so at the slightest feeling of agitation before it builds up. My T told me to spend 10 minutes physically moving, jumping, yelling out everything I think about people and what they have done to me. I put on loud music so the neighbours cant hear and yell into my pillow, punch it, jump etc. It helps so much and then I breathe to calm down for 10 minutes, it has stopped me from building towards a flashback lately and I hope it will get rid of the build up of anger I have over time. I am so sorry for what you have suffered people can be so cruel you deserve so much to go your way after all of that. Take care

 

[Bloomy]

@oneday you are so very accurate and right. I should. As you write it builds up. Allowing my self to do so according to what you write will certainly help release the pressure. Im to shameful to do so at home. Belive neighbours allready heard enough of my uncontrollable anger seisures. But yes I need to find a way for sure.
By acknowledge and accept I guess I will slowly feel better instead of surpressing it again and again. Until I explode. And then by allowing having the 10 min of calming down after.
Ive said it many times here on diferent occasions I need a mountain. I need a mountain where I can go to and scream my lounges of. All the despair - the fear - the anger - all the pain - all that built up through the years. Do I know to do so I think I shouldnt be alone.


This was a good input so thank you so much for this.

 

[Bloomy]

I will add that I feel better today. Better then It feels I ever did before about this.

After logging in here yesterday and reciving all the emphaty and acceptance and also today as to response of this thread.

Non of you scrutinize me shamed me or neglected or laughed about me or any other like this. Still hard to belive and still a lot to take in.

 

[Crow]

You are incredibly courageous and strong @Bloomy. I'm inspired by your fortitude when the whole world seemed to not care about protecting you. That is an amazing inner resilience. Such a rare and precious thing.

I am sorry all that happened to you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Its not my fault.

None of it is your fault and I also am humbled to your courage!

And I love that you taught your daughter martial arts, and that her body is hers and hers alone so she can defend herself. I always said that if I had kids they would all be in martial arts as you just never know and the fact that they can defend themselves would help me not hoover, as much.

You are one amazing person Bloomy! :hug:

ETA: I am so very glad that you feel better today @Bloomy! You will never be judged or shamed by me and will always be loved on and cared about! :hug:

 

[Bloomy]

Ai... your kind words are still dificult to take in @lostforgottensoul @CrowFeather (but worth its weight in gold) :hug:

I read my psycology books as kiddo and among them Alice Miller so I knew I just had to survive until I was grown up and could take care of myself. But strange how one can see but still not grasp the damage the injuries does to one.

Ive still not give up do to fullfill my dream of one day being okay.

We all deserve that :) :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ive still not give up do to fullfill my dream of one day being okay.

We all deserve that

Yes we do, yes you do so never give up! :hug: