Communication In Between Sessions

[Deleted member 33880]

hi, I don't know if this is too late to be helpful and you have probably moved on by now.
I think it is normal for trauma survivors esp those who had trauma at a young age, to need more support as they go through therapy.
One therapist told me that my youngest self, which was traumatised from my earliest years, is wailing and doesn't believe that she is going to be heard.
So my therapist encouraged me to reach out to be heard.
It was no use telling me to hear me. It was a bit like asking a three year old to cook their own tea. I didn't have the skills. The early trauma caused massive attachment problems which meant that i had to learn to experience a safe and secure and trusted attachment with my therapist first and then I could learn from the therapist (actually I learned from courses and books and on line talks and forums and emailing knowledgeable people) how to self soothe and use self compassion etc to keep me feeling okay enough in the gaps.
I still find gaps hard. I have to be very self compassionate to get through them.
I am beginning to have a glimmer of hope that I am further along than maybe you are, in that I am now like a teenager refusing to do stuff for myself that I could now do. But I like my therapist doing it for me. But I haven't really got to trust that in myself yet. but for about five years, no kidding, I needed a lot of help and support.
Does all that make sense? I hope so.

 

[sun seeker]

It was no use telling me to hear me. It was a bit like asking a three year old to cook their own tea.

That's a good way of putting it. I am just beginning to get to where I can be my own caregiver, and it only works some of the time. I think it's sad that there is often such a push for taking care of our child parts ourselves before we are ready. We get there eventually, just like that three year old will grow up and learn how to cook, but there is a process involved.

Does all that make sense? I hope so.

It does to me. :-)

 

[Rumors]

I think it's ultimately a sign of trust that she wants you to go sans communication between...

I think the thing that strikes me most about what you said is that those are the things we needed from our parents and didn't get. I think the progress in that statement is acknowledging that we have needs, we didn't get them met, and that we are looking for connection with others to fill them. For so long I have denied that I needed anything from anyone. It's a pretty cold and lonely place to be.
The fact that @Snowflake is looking for connection says that progress is being made. I think you just have to connect with the right person. Perhaps your therapist is not making that connection so that you will seek it in everyday life ??? I am not sure, but don't give up!!! Sending mojo!

 

[sun seeker]

Perhaps your therapist is not making that connection so that you will seek it in everyday life ???

Either that, or she isn't trained in working with people with developmental trauma, or is trained but there is a difference between the OP's needs and what the therapist can provide. There are different approaches and it sounds like this therapist might not be the best fit.

@Snowflake, forgive me if you've said this and I've forgotten, but have you thought about looking for another therapist?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I wish that we could just magically and miraculously fill that hole created by developmental trauma. I'm afraid, at least for myself that it won't ever get filled even by th emits skilled therapist in the world. It's a scary thing to think on.

 

[Pencil]

It was no use telling me to hear me. It was a bit like asking a three year old to cook their own tea.

Oh, thank heavens for some sanity and common sense. Please tell me where you live so that I can immigrate and go to your therapist.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Oh, thank heavens for some sanity and common sense. Please tell me where you live so that I can immigra...

LOL. At least you made me chuckle Pencil.
I have had some bad therapists in my time. The one before this one, (whom I liked to refer to as the j*rk but probably shouldn't), told me that I needed to love myself and self soothe and be independent. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I hadn't a clue. I could know what she meant in my head but I was totally unable to emotionally regulate myself. When I became dependent, her supervisors said this was terrible and eventually, as I got more traumatised with the gaps between sessions having no stepping stones at all, she terminated with me via email. No kidding. After 14 months. Then I met this current psychologist. He was a little more understanding and immediately saw that I was in breakdown and I was suffering terribly and set up one session a week. then it went to a longer session per week. Then eventually after 18 months it went to that PLUS another session each week. with sometimes a phone call as well. Then it went to being able to text him too if things got bad. then emails. Poor man. But he realised I needed to feel held in every sense of the word as I had never experienced safety in my body or mind or heart or anywhere. So we worked for some time (years) on making me feel safe. It needed such a lot of solid stable foundational containment, he was teaching me what it feels like to be loved and to be heard and to be safe and to be able to trust him and only by that relationship interacting with me (mirror neurons and modelling real compassion) did I begin to learn and get a sense of what this really means. And then eventually start feeling it in myself.
A lot of cr*p therapists think dependency is wrong. It isn't wrong if your major emotional state that is screaming blue murder is about 3. a 3 yr old with attachment and safety issues needs to spend a long time being helped to BE dependent. And then when they are enabled to, they start to grow and then inevitably they get to teenagehood and start fighting to be independent. It is just how it is.
I am in the tricky stage of still screaming blue murder and going into abandonment panic when he goes away for longer than 12 days (sigh) but also fighting to start up my work again and go away to do courses and doing other therapies (hypnotherapy and neurofeedback and EMDR) to try to heal faster (sigh) because he is actually retiring in one years time so I had better heal some of this before I feel utterly abandoned in a very bad way all over again.

 

[Snowflake]

Either that, or she isn't trained in working with people with developmental trauma, or is trained bu...

Thanks for all the responses -no I haven't thought about looking for another therapist. She is great, a trauma psychologist. She, has boundaries, I assume to protect me. We are trying to make this easier. I see her 2x weekly, she calls 1x, and I can leave 1000000 messages if I need to. I think I want/need more than what any therapist can't give-----I want a mother I never had.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I guess, just being pragmatic here, seeing her twice weekly and getting one phone call is about where I am at. Probably the most a therapist can give without going under themselves. And leaving messages is brilliant.
Yes, of course you want a mum. You want a loving mum who adores you and would move heaven and earth to help you. you deserve that. If there was a mum lending library, that is where you most certainly should go and get one - then you will spend a few years being spoiled rotten and it would all be well deserved. In fact it is your birth right. Then I truly believe you would feel like you matter and you are the apple of someone's eye and your new mum would rush to you when things were awful as mums do.
I too want this. I too have wanted this for a very long time.
But - crash - reality is very different.
If I had a magic wand I would wave it for you.
I talk and be open to my therapist about my very valid needs. He can't fulfill them but he assures me he cares. He is not allowed to take me home and be a dad to me. There are times he has admitted that of course he has wanted to scoop me up and take me home and take care of me fully like a dad or mom would do when their beloved child is suffering, but hey, this is the world of being glad for what you have. You and I have more than many people have from our therapists. In that way we are fortunate.
But don't get me wrong, I also know the wound of it not being enough.
We just have to find a way to 'make it do'.
you have my sympathy.

 

[Pencil]

I needed to love myself and self soothe and be independent.

Just marvelous. So what were you paying her for? Someone, I think Pete Walker, said that if attachment /developmental trauma is properly conceptualized, described and its significance in mental disorders fully realized, the DSM would shrink to the size of a booklet.

I never knew anything about attachment. Honestly. Nothing. I never knew one is supposed to have healthy attachments. I honestly thought 'attachment' was a BAD thing, and that it indicated dependency, co-dependency and other REALLY BAD things. So when I just couldn't get over these terrible habits, I completely isolated myself for 2 years, to 'be alone until I like it'. And nearly lost what was left of my mind in the process. I discovered the truth only in past 4 years.

Anyway, I'm completely off topic, as usual.

We are trying to make this easier. I see her 2x weekly, she calls 1x, and I can leave 1000000 messages if I need to.

I'm really glad you were able to resolve this, @Snowflake.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

"I honestly thought 'attachment' was a BAD thing, and that it indicated dependency, co-dependency and other REALLY BAD things. So when I just couldn't get over these terrible habits, I completely isolated myself for 2 years, to 'be alone until I like it'. And nearly lost what was left of my mind in the process. I discovered the truth only in past 4 years. "
Pencil, that was me. I only found about attachment trauma six years ago. It has been a long haul.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It was no use telling me to hear me. It was a bit like asking a three year old to cook their own tea. I didn't have the skills.

I totally relate to this. A bit of a sidetrack here, and as a disclaimer, I know that DBT has helped so many people, but that top-down approach of just "doing the skills" doesn't work when it is a small child that shouldn't even be handling the stove in the first place, never mind making tea (so much risk of being burnt!).

The one before this one, (whom I liked to refer to as the j*rk but probably shouldn't), told me that I needed to love myself and self soothe and be independent. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I hadn't a clue. I could know what she meant in my head but I was totally unable to emotionally regulate myself. When I became dependent, her supervisors said this was terrible and eventually, as I got more traumatised with the gaps between sessions having no stepping stones at all, she terminated with me via email.

This sounds like my last therapist. She also terminated me in part because of my attachment and inability to fix myself on my own. Duh. That was why I was in therapy .... if I could do it on my own, I would have years and years ago.

But - crash - reality is very different.

This is where I struggle, because even a good attachment to a therapist can never fill that deep void within me that parent should have filled.

never knew one is supposed to have healthy attachments. I honestly thought 'attachment' was a BAD thing, and that it indicated dependency, co-dependency and other REALLY BAD thing

AAAAND, I remember writing in my journal as a younger person that I needed to learn "radical independence" aka trust no one. This concept has been with me for so long and I'm trying to unlearn it ....