Sexual Assault Is This Sexual Assault? Please Help

[shimmerz]

Yep, agreed the wording of tempting was absolutely wrong. My apologies.

I stand by 'Sleeping in someone else's bed while so drunk that one passes out is not smart.' Mostly it is the drinking until passing out.

There are predators out there. A ton of them. And it is the victim who is the one who needs to pick up the pieces at the end of the day.

Being passed out in someone's bed is not a "sexual signal."

Of course it isn't. But if with someone who will take advantage then one could end up dead or maimed or psychologically damaged.

On that note, I have stated what I believe. You are more than welcome to disagree. Your points have been taken. I am out.

 

[Ronin]

@Elzi,

Yep, as said, it's sexual assault.

What sort of help do you need, right now?

 

[RussH]

I have a platonic male friend who was well aware that I didn't want any sexual contact with him,

@EveHarrington
The OP did clearly state that her "friend" was well aware she didn't want sexual contact with him.

I did not black and white your response, and I had read all of it, so I know you agreed that it was rape. I only addressed the single statement of her getting in his bed and sending a signal.
The reason I disagreed with the statetment is:
1. He was well aware she didn't want sexual contact.
2, He was cold stone sober. He knew he was violated her borders. He knew it, and did it anyway.

The one thing I would suggest to all women. Please don't get so drunk, or high that you put yourself in a helpless state. There are all kinds of predators out there that will take advantage of you.

 

[joeylittle]

The one thing I would suggest to all women. Please don't get so drunk, or high that you put yourself in a helpless state. There are all kinds of predators out there that will take advantage of you.

I'd suggest this to all people - not just women. Could be the environment I spend a lot of time in, but this is most certainly not just a women's issue. It's not less of a women's issue - it's just also very much a male issue as well.

Frankly, not to be annoyingly pedantic - but we've no way of knowing whether the OP is a man or a woman. They state they woke with fingers inside of them. That's not gender-specific.

 

[Heather]

I had a similar experience when I was in college. I was so drunk and I ended up with a guy in my bed and he ended up doing things that I didn't like or really want. It's hard now even looking back on that to gauge was I able to give consent or not. How much I was responsible because I was so drunk. How much he took advantage of that fact.

I feel for what you are going through. I hope you find healing from this.

 

[Justmehere]

If I left my front door unlocked, does that make it ok to steal my stuff without my permission? Of course not. Does it mean I should probably lock my door next time? Yes.

Sometimes people do things that put them in vulnerable positions. Does that make it ok to commit crimes against them? No. It's a place to handle them with more care and caution. Not less. That is what a true friend would have done. A true friend would have made sure the OP was ok. This friend really betrayed the trust of the OP, on top of committing a crime.

Guest poster, plon't be dismayed by the lively debate happening, everyone who has posted does agree what he did was wrong and was sexual assault. You probably need to also take time to deal with why you were passed out drunk, and how to heave healthier ways to escape, have fun, or cope with life stressors. It also makes sense to me that you probably were not thinking there was any risk in your friend raping you. What happened is sexual assault.

If you are worried about the development of PTSD or if you already had it prior to this incident, it would be a great idea to talk to a therapist.

 

[Air]

everyone who has posted does agree what he did was wrong and was sexual assault

Yes I think we should all focus on this. Even if people are offering suggestions (which I believe you should take to heart), the fact is that what happened was wrong and was sexual assault. The fact that maybe you could have done more to protect yourself doesn't diminish the experience at all, what matters is that it did happen and no one here would say that it's okay.

 

[StellaBlue]

This friend really betrayed the trust of the OP, on top of committing a crime.

@Justmehere, your post eloquently says what I've been thinking but lately I've not been terribly articulate. But this, the betrayal of trust, this is what is such a double hit in this situation.

There's been a news story very recently where three women stopped a potential rape after this man slipped something into a woman's drink at a bar. It turns out, she was with him, knew him, and considered him one of her "best friends". WTF. I get that we need to exercise common sense in terms of staying safe...but this guy was considered a friend. And the OP considered her attacker a friend. Again...WTF.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Cashew

I find it disturbing that you don't advocate for women protecting themselves.

I have a feeling this is a perspective issue. Women know that the world is not a safe place (learned over time) and that we cannot depend on the rest of the world to keep us safe. Men cannot understand this as they have not lived it. (Just as I will never know the experiences of being a minority, etc.)

It's not an either or issue so please don't misinterpret my words. This is the second time in a week where people here have interpreted a stance as the only answer. (Another unmentioned thread comes to mind.) People need to stop assaulting each other AND people need to take steps to ensure their own safety. Lots of black/white either/or thinking around here. I realize it's a defense mechanism------

 

[EveHarrington]

@lightraze

You've taken @shimmerz argument and my argument and added your own words (thus twisting the original point).

You added the passed out bit to my statement about getting into bed being a sexual signal. This completely changes the meaning.

I still stand by what I said. Getting into bed with someone can be seen as a sexual signal. (I did not say getting into bed ----and passing out----- can be seen as a sexual signal.)

I'm female. I'm a CSA survivor. If a guy that I liked got into bed with me, damn straight I'd see that as a sexual signal. If he'd previously told me he only wanted to be friends I'd think ok, friends with benefits at the very least.

This is a take off of the OPs situation and is done to show that the simple act of getting into bed with someone (not taking alcohol into effect) can ----CAN---- indeed be seen as a sexual signal.

If people can't see how jumping into bed can -----CAN---- possibly (possibly!) be seen as a sexual signal------God help us all.

I'm only one person and if I think getting into bed with someone is a sexual signal, I know there are a lot of other people out there like me. I think if I did a random walk down the street poll that people would laugh at me for asking such an obvious question. I say this based on the fact that our society is so sexually charged.

Agree to disagree I suppose.

I'm out, too.

 

[Ronin]

I find it disturbing that you don't advocate for women protecting themselves.

I don't.
I advocate for people to not be rapists, regardless of gender.

The responsibility isn't on people to 'protect themselves'.
The responsibility is on offenders to not be offenders.

& Lived histories. I'm damn well aware of what things are like for 'a woman', thank you.
In cultures that are wiiildly more misogynist than the US one, too.

 

[Ronin]

If people can't see how jumping into bed can -----CAN---- possibly (possibly!) be seen as a sexual signal------God help us all.

The point of the poster who brought it up was different.

That a person wants to sleep in the bed / or finds someone a trustworthy friend they care for the proximity of, and feel safe when vulnerable with?
Is not a reason to betray that trust in god f*cking awful way, and rape said friend.

None type of behavior is a go ahead.
No means no.
Only enthusiastic & well informed yes means yes.

That rape culture & its internalizations warp some people's thinking about this isn't the OP's problem. Or of any other victim in the same situation.