Tips On Making Therapy A Safe Experience

[Bragado Jansing]

Hello everyone,

I just entered therapy again, and I want to make sure this is a safe experience for me. I have a long history of abuse and victimization, and I seriously don't want to live through that again.

My therapist seems pretty cool, but I also don't trust my perceptions really. My bar is set so low for human decency that it's hard for me to tell when something is OK or not OK. I've accepted abusive treatment simply because it wasn't sadistic! It was still really bad for me, but the fact that it wasn't viciously insane made it seem great in comparison. Ya know?

I'm also miserably alone right now, and desperate for human contact, so I have a tendency to rush into relationships and convince myself that things are better than they really are. I definitely do not want to do that again. I want to remain independent and work for this for my own benefit.

I had an intake session yesterday where I went over the basics of my background. Since I'm unemployed, my therapist wants me to help me look for jobs right away. He asked me to send him three job postings I want to apply to, along with my negative thinking, and in next session he said he's going to teach me to protect myself against my negative thinking so I can find a job as quickly as possible.

So that sounds pretty good, like, he seems to be concerned because he suggested we dive into the most important issue I'm facing right now. Does this sound right?

I'm worried, too, because my last therapist took advantage of me, so I'm a little bugged out. I'm afraid that I'm going to like, charm this dude or something and he'll want to take advantage of me. I'm really good at charming people, apparently... people have told me I have charisma or something, and I could tell he was pretty smitten with some things I said.

Like, when I called the first time he made an effort to understand my issues and mulled over whether he could help or not. He followed up with me a few times trying to get a better handle on where I was at, what type of client I'd be, and seemed to evaluate the situation pretty carefully from my emotional state to my financial situation. I told him I had about $20,000 in savings, and decent job prospects, so he was OK charging me his full rate of $200/session. I complimented his working method, because it seemed like he was genuinely concerned with actually helping me. He seemed pretty taken that I noticed this and mentioned it.

Another fear is that he's pretending to be cool just to lure me into a world of hell, which has also happened to me before too many times to count now. I keep second guessing myself, like, is this cool, is this OK, is this manipulation, is this right, wrong, what??? My standards of human behavior have been so horribly skewed my whole life that I don't trust my own perceptions.

If anyone has advice, thoughts, tips, or anything like that, I would seriously appreciate it.

Thanks!

 

[The Albatross]

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/10/15/your-patient-rights-in-therapy/

Right off hand.

 

[The Albatross]

One more, http://psychcentral.com/lib/characteristics-of-effective-counseling/

 

[Suzetig]

What modality does he use, eg cbt, psychodynamic etc because that will determine whether what he's doing is ok. For example the job stuff might be fine in one mode of therapy but very not fine in another. There are some common denominators around boundaries etc but you can expect different things in different types of therapy.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

He's trained primarily in psychodynamic, but he has some education in CBT. I'll take it slow and see what the next session is like. If it's helpful and cool, then good, if not I can always bail. The exercise I'm working on now is helping me to sort my thoughts out, so I'm feeling pretty good about that right now.

 

[Whyteferret]

Check his license for any disciplinary actions. (I suggest this for everyone)
The license information should be on the state licensing website.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

Check his license for any disciplinary actions. (I suggest this for everyone)
The license informat...

I think I'll look that up. My questions are in mind because he didn't call back when he said he would, forgot our appointment hour and had to call me about it, and he asked me to email him my homework, but he didn't give me his email address, so I have to find it somewhere.

So to me these are yellow flags. I'll try one more session, but my hopes aren't too high for it. I'm aware I desperately want help, but I'm not going to delude myself into thinking something's better than it is just for false comfort. That never works out well.

Also, he didn't even respond to all the miserable f*cked up crap that I'm dealing with. Just jump right into looking for a job. Which I need to do, but at least he could've been cognizant of how emotionally trying this is for me.

Like "damn, this is some heavy stuff to deal with. Let's find a way to help you deal with this while you look for work". Writing out these negative thoughts has predictably taken me to some crazy f*cking places!!! Predictably considering the stuff I told him during intake.

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm going to continue therapy here.

 

[Whyteferret]

I think I'll look that up. My questions are in mind because he didn't call back when he said he...

Listen to your instincts.
I wasn't there but sometimes the first session is more of an intake than anything else. It's gathering background information, current living situation, etc.
I agree not providing an email address is a concern.

 

[Bragado Jansing]

Listen to your instincts.
I wasn't there but sometimes the first session is more of an intake than...

I understand that, but hearing what I had to say, you'd have to be a little aware that I'm dealing with some wicked shit here, and that asking me to write out my "negative thoughts" would involve the very same whacked out stuff I mentioned right in the intake. That's a recipe for disaster without a little buffering or something. "Go into your world of nightmares, and send me some stuff to an email address you don't know." Yeah!!!!

The dude seemed really smitten by my cloyingness, which I told him was a problem, which to me, is a huge problem! I want a therapist to say, "yo man, you don't have to do that shit, you don't know who I am yet, that's dangerous." Nah, he seemed totally down with it, which is a huuuuuuuuge red flag.

He was also sniffling throughout the session and said he had a cold, but I don't think he had a cold, if you know what I mean. I think I can do this on my own for now, I've made it this far on my own. I really don't have the patience for crapola therapists right now.

 

[Whyteferret]

Listen to your instinct. If something doesn't feel "right" it isnt

 

[Bragado Jansing]

Listen to your instinct. If something doesn't feel "right" it isnt

That's what I'm going to do. It's a shame how hard it is to find a decent therapist.

 

[joeylittle]

I understand that, but hearing what I had to say, you'd have to be a little aware that I'm dealing with some wicked shit here, and that asking me to write out my "negative thoughts" would involve the very same whacked out stuff I mentioned right in the intake. That's a recipe for disaster without a little buffering or something. "Go into your world of nightmares, and send me some stuff to an email address you don't know." Yeah!!!!

No, not for everyone. For some people (myself included), I can do better when given permission to simply list things. Did you not have a copy of any intake paperwork with the email addy on it, or a business card? Strange, but just as much your responsibility to get the info.

Frankly, developing everyday coping skills (which includes job-seeking/starting) is always a priority. If you want to do full-time trauma therapy, you need to go into a minimum five-day outpatient program, maximum full inpatient, and you have to be ready to do the work.

It sounds to me like you are looking for reasons to not be in therapy, while simultaneously trying to get help. You also might have an unrealistic expectation of how trauma therapy works.

I'd encourage you to consider either inpatient (so you can just do full immersion), PHP (so you are getting daily skills-building), or a person specializing in CBT, to work on present day thoughts, not trauma memories. Because, while trauma memories may somehow be at the origins of some of those present day thoughts - you can learn to separate the now from the then. This is also a major foundational skill for when you do start with trauma therapy.