What Does Dissociation Look/feel Like To You?

[Tinyflame]

safety when it comes to disassociating.

Oye, hard for me to explain. I can only think of this example atm:

The time with the physical pain I was getting hit in the face with an object, don't want to elaborate further as it was my fault. Anyway, I started to feel like I was removed, 'watching myself'. But no pain, no fear. After it was very disturbing to me, because I viewed it as rounding a corner towards- who knows?- schizophrenia-? -DID-? . I didn't know, just knew if I allowed myself to 'go there' as a 'go-to' in the future I felt I would really be in big trouble. But I can't say it wasn't tempting- no fear. None of it 'mattered'.

Fwiw, I think real safety involves being actually safe, physically, & with others not just physically but emotionally, feeling like they have your back/ won't harm you or it's not all lies. Dissociation (in terms of safety) just to me is more like a mental fantasy of what is happening really isn't. Like somone said once when they were being abused they 'went out the window & explored'.

For me, however, it has nothing to do with day dreaming. I'm not prone to that at all. I can get lost in my thoughts, but they're usually more like gruesome fears or re-livings/ re-enactments.

Not sure if that's even a teeny bit helpful! :(

 

[Tinyflame]

ETA, I don't really know if it's 'safe' in the present, or present & future, or 'safe' away from the past. Maybe all 3?, ie ~'you won't hurt me now, you won't hurt me later if you can, I can overcome the past with trust in the present (& my present surroundings/ the people there, etc, & therefore feel less fear)'.

 

[Deleted member 32956]

Does lack of trust with someone in the present cause dissociation? I'm having a hard time understanding sorry. My mind feels like goo. Has for months now and my mental capacity and lack of understanding is zero right now.

 

[Tinyflame]

No they are difficult questions @PaintedDreams124 . Let me think on it while I cut the grass.

My initial thought is it causes upset, triggering if applicable, all-over fight-or-flight-(flee!!!, for me) response.

But do you mean a feeling of a lack of trust (overall), or an action seen as untrustworthy (in the moment/ 'acute')?

 

[Deleted member 32956]

I mean both. What exactly causes this upset?

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@chant2012 your post #17 really struck home for me. I share space or coexist quite often. My mannerisms change, my vocabulary and my tone of voice. Not to the point of being a different identity totally because there is a familiarity but they come and go likethe tides and seasons. I also have some parts who have named themselves and I have one simply called Rage. I am very uncomfortable when Rage is about because he is very distainful of me. Lately I have a boy part who loves fixing things and is very mechanically inclined. I don't feel female during those times but it's not in a sexually aware man way but an interested in stuff boy way. The way I sit changes, the comfort level of the feel of tools in my hands change, even the way I run my fingers through my hair or ignore the sweat pouring. I often push myself way to hard physically and will bruise and cut myself and me more annoyed than concerned if I notice I'm bleeding.
My child parts stopped coming out as much when I went back to work. I also have times when I start talking or writing and the only way I can explain it is I feel like a channel. I don't believe there is " some one/thing " out there channeling through me. I feel it is a part of me but my vocabulary really ups a few notches and there is "me" wondering if I am even using these words in the right context but the part using them is quite sure. The words roll off my tongue and feel so unnaturally, natural.

Dissociation is when I suddenly feel like I am seeing something for the first time, like I've put on a pair of glasses that make things visible and details become sharper.
Sometimes I suddenly feel totally foreign in my body, misplaced inside my skin. I can be driving and suddenly not know where I am or recognize anything around me. Other times I kind of recognize but it seems different. Things can sound very far away or unreal.

I too just feel like I am crazy and for whatever reason just making things up in my mind for attention.

Then there is the sudden sleepiness like now, my eyelids feel so heavy. It's all a big hot
Mess

 

[Deleted member 32956]

@chant2012 your post #17 really struck home for me. I share space or co...

Different tone of voice you say etc? Does the way you communicate via email or text change too?

 

[Tinyflame]

@PaintedDreams124 I'm sorry my head is swimming.

I think trust is based on our histories, & can include cognitive distortions (negative, innacurate), & accurate assessment (experience, information etc). Overall seemingly unwarranted negative feelings? Better chance our heads are messing with us. Gut instinct? May be correct. Accurate reality, trust is not a good idea, misplaced.

I can't say if breeches in trust cause dissociation, but certainly can have triggers embedded within it. Does dissociation come from too much/ overwhelm/ too many triggers? I think so, possibly. But when you realize it seems you have 'checked out' & you weren't aware, it's hard to trace it back.

I think safety could involve protection, or lack thereof (perceived). I mean, tbh, apart from feeling you're in a crisis from the past, that aside, if one's brain goes offline it does matter who & what is aound you.

I don't ever feel like I'm different aspects of myself though , nor different 'persons'. (Unless one were to say, panicked version, hanging-on version, etc).

ETA, I've heard of people buying things (even not their taste etc), & unaware.

But also you mentioned e-mail, text; they can be misread (have no tone, etc) at the best of times. I think it's important to remember all people act differently angry vs happy vs pressured vs anxious vs exhausted vs resentful vs elated vs lying vs worried vs depressed, etc. But that, or those, are all parts of a person's character or their assessment of the situation, & what they hope to achieve, plus biochemical influences, or situational- pain, lack of sleep, etv. But it does not necessarily infer dissociation or DID.

For most of my life I've felt both adult & childlike. Is that from my history? Maybe. Is it overcome-able? Who knows? But it's also 'me', regardless. But it's seamless.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@PaintedDreams124
Yes most definitely and that can be damaging because I can contradict myself or even worse Rage comes through.
Sometimes when I am posting here I go into a flow and it's as though I'm aware of physically typing but "I" am only going through the motions and the content doesn't feel authentically the "me" who I know. I believe it is parts of myself that for whatever reason, I've .... Rejected is not quite the right word... I've kept hidden, probably out of fear for whatever reason or they don't have as much staying power and so there is a continuing cycle of taking turns. Some get more turns than others. Some will hide when other parts are out and that can cause a lot of inner conflict. So I might be feeling scared and powerful along with confused at the same time. Or I might argue with myself a lot. Does everyone have this to some degree. Maybe, but it is often so bad that I usually talk out loud to myself as I'm working verbally going over what it is I need to be doing because it is the only way to stay on track. Music can help as well as long as I don't get lost in it. Strangely there are times fear and anger can help me focus but it's just as likely to scatter me so I try to avoid it.
It's just plain old Through the Looking Glass, down the rabbit hole where everyone is mad, crazy.

I have not found it very helpful to go digging, trying to figure out who is who and why. I don't mean pretend total lack of awareness. Awareness is very important but as long as I am being productive and not destructive, I go with the flow and accept. It is not so important to me anymore to know all the details of why and what part wants to lash out or hide. For me it's more important to learn to become aware of the rising emotions and pause , try to pause and reason with myself this is not a drastic situation. I am safe and I am capable of keeping myself safe. Time will tell if I am on the right track.

 

[Tinyflame]

Is dissociation the reason a person can't remember huge blocks of time, like most of childhood?

 

[Deleted member 32956]

@PaintedDreams124 I'm sorry my head is swimming.

I think trust is based on our histo...

Can you give me an example of a breach in trust causing triggers?

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Junebug I don't remember most of my childhood and it is when I dissociated and and my parts developed which is why there are so many children. The Others, my Assembly, Protect the children, and help me cope or think they do. What may have worked once does not necessarily do me any good now.

@PaintedDreams124
I know you asked @Junebug but I can share my most recent example.
My husband of 4 years died last May. We'd been together for 8 years. It was the first time anyone treated me with love and respect. I adored him. He got depressed the last couple years, deeply so and was no longer the same person.
He passed and anything of value was set up a couple years before to go to his children separate from the estate. Properties neglected, bills unpaid and I had put his funeral on my credit cards.
The betrayal was not the money aspect. It was he did it after we were married after showing me different and never told me. He knew he was sick and never told me. He did not have faith in my love for him because he didn't love me the same way.
That doesn't change the good years but he had gained even the children's and other parts trust and the devistation . Well it's still rolling through me.