Childhood Does Anyone Else Have Intense Anger?

[Stills]

Like ALL the time? I hear some people saying how they don't let their memories affect them and that they try to forgive, and honestly it makes me feel like a weak person for ever self-destructing. I've dealt with more than one trauma in my life, not that it excuses my behaviour, but everyone deals differently, and it just pisses me the hell off when people say they don't let it affect their well-being, and it's like are you kidding? It affected my entire life and I TRY everyday to remain sane and do what I need to do... Are they just delusional or like able to handle? Because I can't. And I won't apologize for what I've done to myself in order to get through the day. Good for you for not letting it get to you, I guess? Like f*ck you for that...LOL........what the f*ck??? It doesn't matter how many times one was assaulted, but you can't tell me there isn't a difference for the kids who were abused repeatedly by the same offender? I feel like I'm trying too hard to validate myself and my experience and it's unnecessary.

 

[RussH]

The difference between the people who say they do not let the memories bother them, or affect their well-being, and us, is PTSD. Something in us broke. They do not understand how we are affected by the memories. It would be nice to say the memories don't affect our well-being, but the reality is they do.

 

[EveHarrington]

Russ is quite right-----those who can just let it go don't have PTSD. PTSD hijacks our minds so that we simply cannot just say we are going to move forward and not let it affect us. I hope that venting is helping you. I know that sometimes we just need to let it all out! :hug:

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I do, when it comes to abusers (either to other people or especially animals). If I am threatened or betrayed, I can become a very different creature. Though, my violent thoughts are not toward women, children, or animals. They are toward a small percentage of males who remind me of my abuser. And, if someone like that crosses me, I never forget it. These are rare occasions, though. Normally, I am very passive. I am also empathetic, so if someone I am close to is hurting or stressed, I can take on that pain personally. I am several 'people', so to speak, trying to live life as one individual. The angry part of me, which is mostly due to my abuse, is usually at the back of the line. I work hard to keep it that way, and it takes an immense amount of energy to do it.

 

[Stills]

Russ is quite right-----those who can just let it go don't have PTSD. PTSD hijacks our minds so t...

I've never been diagnosed with PTSD though

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you unable to seek out therapy or a psychiatrist?

 

[Stills]

Are you unable to seek out therapy or a psychiatrist?

I just started therapy. I've only seen my T twice. And I do agree to an extent because I get so angered and every f*cking day I tell myself to calm down in my head, like just f*cking relax. Feelings pass, duh, but when I'm angry, something in me just snaps, I'm like a different person and I'm not one to say I can't control myself because obviously I can, but when I'm angry, it just feels uncontrollable a lot of the times regardless if I act on my actual thoughts. Does that make sense?

 

[Bipfroggit]

I am always a little angry somewhere inside. I am angry at my abuser for all the crap they put me through growing up yeah. I get anger outbursts from time to time but only when i am at home and if (a particular person i am close to) is saying things to piss me off like : "it's all in your head" or when this person is shooting down every point i try to make, or just saying little things to make me angry that most people wouldn't like to hear. My anger outbursts begin like: i can feel it rising up creeping up on me and my muscles tense and im arguing/yelling and then i start slamming things on the counter or table, then i just lose all control and start screaming at the top of my lungs and by that time my arms are flailing and im just in a fury rushing at this person... Then it suddenly stops and i realize what happened and start to cry and curl up into a ball and then have to escape to be alone to compose myself. The person it happens with has always tried to hug me when it happens because they realize im going into a rage. It is all extremely embarrassing to me. This NEVER happens when i am in public with strangers. In public if someone says something to piss me off whether a classmate or stranger, i either become extremely silent and shut down, or i pretend to not be affected but try to get away as fast as i can until i am alone where i cry. Anger is just always there. There are only certain times when it temporarily drains from me like little pustules, otherwise it's always there below the surface (unless i stuff it down real quick as deep as i can in order to pretend when there is no escape in sight)

 

[Eagle3]

I actually had a rage come close to the surface at a group therapy session last week. I realized what was happening and shut it down before I acted out, but that night I had to spend some time punching a brick wall once I got home. Haven't had a response THAT bad in a while now. Usually I just cuss out drivers in traffic, or growl at something on tv, or act like a teenager to my mother (who p*sses me off to no end). I'm always angry, but most of the time I can keep in hidden under the surface. My friends all know if they need protection, they come to me, because I'm ALWAYS ready to go ape on a bad guy! Might as well put that anger to good use, ya know?

 

[Hope1969]

All the time. Only in the last few weeks I started to realize how constant and deep is my anger. I was angry all my life and I didn't know why. I take the anger inside not on other people (at least I try). The funny thing is that when I was younger people used to love my anger because it moved thing and stuck processes. Nowadays I am just tired of it.

 

[Lee2001]

Yes anger is what finally drove me to therapy! I was losing temper in front of kids and it made my four year old cry:( So you are not alone. I thought I was losing my mind but found out it was PTSD. When I am not triggered I am considered a very calm, patient person... so the full rage of anger was an eye opener and included hitting walls for release. Sorry it's hard.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

All of my emotions are super intense but anger, yep, have that! Its miss directed though. At me instead of abusers. Not sure if thay will fully change as i cant seem to not be angry at myself for what i did.